“Something?” I ask him, but he doesn’t answer me. He keeps on speaking as if I hadn’t voiced the question at all.
“What was it like to hold a gun to my head?” he asks, and his voice is thick with emotion. “Did you think it made me feel like I meant something to you?” He doesn’t hide the pain behind a mask of cold indifference. I can hear him swallow and for the first time, he shows me everything in his expression. I’ve hurt him so deeply and I didn’t even know.
“Carter, don’t…” I start to say, inching closer to him although he stays perfectly still. “I was just trying to survive,” I say, begging him to understand. “If I could take it back-”
“You wouldn’t,” he cuts me off, and I know he’s right. Under that circumstance, I wouldn’t allow him to murder my friends and family. It’s fucked up how much that very knowledge guts me. There’s no way for me to make it out of this alive.
“You were just surviving. Maybe pretending that you mean nothing to me is a way for me to just survive.”
I’m struck by his confession, and I hate it. I hate the lives we have, and how fate has put us in each other’s path.
“Please don’t do this, Carter.” My throat is tight as despair claws its way up. “I know we’re broken, but stop this. Don’t do this again. Don’t make it worse.”
“I can’t make it better,” he rebuts.
“Tell me you care for me again,” I whisper, getting closer to him and ignoring the pain that still lingers. When I walked back into Carter’s grasp, easily letting him take me back here, I had no idea that we were so broken. How could I have been so fucking foolish to think that loving him was going to fix it all? As if it could put a stop to the war, rewrite the past, and make us invincible for whatever lies ahead.
He tells me he cares about me after a moment, but then he tells me a truth I hadn’t dared to admit I already knew until he spoke the words. “I wish I didn’t. It would all be easier if I didn’t.”
Chapter 4
Carter
Every time I thrust inside of her, I remembered the confessions she made the other night. How she told me she’d be with Nikolai if I wasn’t in the picture, and how she’ll never forgive me. She meant them. She still does.
Being inside of her is heaven, but last night, it was hell. There was no way I could have taken any pleasure in her. Not when all I can think is how she’s going to hate me when this is over. There’s no way I’m going to be able to keep her. It’s fucking impossible.
A numbness spreads through my hand as I form a fist, letting the cuts split open and feeling the pain rip through my knuckles. Leaning back in my office chair, I clench and unclench my hand again and again, just to feel something else.
I’ve never wanted to forget so much. To erase the mess I’ve gotten us into. To run away with her and start over.
It’s a pain I’ve never felt and a position I never considered I’d be in. Because I’ve never felt this way about anyone else. No one else has meant so much to me before. Not even my brothers.
I don’t know how we’re going to make it out of this together. And I’ve never wanted anything more.
The long strand of pearls that starts out with small spheres growing in size until they reach the center, stares back at me from its velvet box on the desk. The iridescence shines off the polished pearls, stealing my gaze. They mesmerized me, as did my Aria. Anything that can keep my attention should belong to her.
I needed to replace her previous necklace with one she could wear forever. This necklace is timeless and even if she leaves me, I pray she’ll keep it forever. I pray that what we had will be endless, even if us being together is only a dream I could dare to return to in my sleep.
As I hear Aria’s footsteps patter closer to my office right before the door creaks open, I shut the velvet box. Aria’s eyes are still puffy and red from lack of sleep, and her lips are swollen. She grips her sleepshirt with one hand and playfully knocks on the door even though it’s open and our eyes have already met.
She attempts a smile, but it disappears as quickly as it came. Fuck, it hurts. I want nothing more than for her to be happy. Truly happy with me, with the man I am and will always be.
“I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to dress,” she barely speaks before adding, “since there weren’t any clothes laid out.”