Here, I had my routines. I tried to make as normal a life as possible. I tried to get out, to interact with other people. I tried to relax and forget what being a soldier had meant. I had my group meetings and the random checkups from the guys who had been through all of this before. I had Stone and our tentative living situation.
But when it really came down to it, I missed the sureness of my life overseas. The security that came with knowing I was always one set of orders away from whatever I was meant to be doing next. There was so much uncertainty here, so much that didn’t matter. I couldn’t seem to get my feet beneath me again.
I felt adrift. I felt untethered. I felt like I didn’t belong to anything anymore.
And I started to wonder whether that was the appeal of Harper, here. If that was why I had come here, to Boston. I’d never been the kind of guy to rely on other people, but at least I’d have had a place at Harper’s side. A purpose, as her boyfriend or her lover or whatever else we might be to one another.
Now, realizing that I could have no place in her life, that she had moved on and that she had a daughter, I was back to square one. Figuring out who I was, all on my own.
That was a terrifying concept. I had never really had an identity, not even when I’d joined the military. How was I supposed to figure out who I was now, this late in the game? I wasn’t sure it was possible.
11
Harper
Monday was a rare day off, and I planned to take full advantage of it. I lazed around in bed even though I could hear Ava quietly playing in the other room and knew I should probably get up and feed her breakfast. But it was so rare to have these days where there were no stories that needed filing, when my inbox was blessedly quiet, and there were hardly any notifications on my phone first thing in the morning. Nor was there anything that Ava and I had to do that day.
Finally, I stretched and sat up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. It was a beautiful day outside, and already, a plan was forming in my mind. I dressed casually in a skirt and T-shirt and then wandered out into the living room, scooping up Ava and giving her a big kiss.
“Good morning, angel,” I said. “How about we have a picnic in the park today?”
“Yeah!” Ava said excitedly. “Can I bring Mr. Sloth with us?”
“Of course you can,” I said, setting her down in a seat while I packed together a picnic lunch.
At the park, I spread out a blanket for us to sit on. There were a number of other people out there, and clearly, everyone was enjoying the sun just as much as we were. We ate some snacks and then played a little ball. I laughed as I watched Ava chase pigeons around the park. I was utterly content, and it had been a while since I felt this good.
Ava came back over to the blanket finally, yawning and rubbing her eyes. “Uh oh, looks like it’s nap time,” I said, starting to pack up the basket.
“No,” Ava said, stamping her little foot, one of her rare temper tantrums coming on. “I don’t want to go home.” But just like that, her expression cleared. “Nap here?”
I laughed, but there was no reason she couldn’t do that. It was warm and comfortable, and she never napped for very long. If for some reason we needed to leave, and she was still napping, I could always carry her.
“Sure thing, sweetie. If you want to nap out here, that’s okay.”
Ava gave me a bright smile and then flopped down on the blanket, using my cardigan as a pillow. She looked adorable like that, and I couldn’t resist the urge to take a few quick pictures using my phone.
I had a couple new notifications, and I hurriedly scanned them. But they were just in relation to the work I already knew about for tomorrow. There was still nothing that needed to get done that day, thank God. I really needed a day off.
There was also a message from Maisie: Made too much food for dinner. Come help me eat it!
I grinned and texted her back to let her know that Ava and I would love to join her. Maisie was a great cook, always trying out new recipes. This wasn’t the first time she had tried a recipe and accidentally made too much for just one person. Sometimes I wondered whether she did it on purpose, so she would just have to have Ava and me over.
I loved her for it.
I leaned back on my elbows, turning my face toward the sun and closing my eyes as well, just for a minute. I don’t know how long I sat there like that, but suddenly a shadow fell over me. I opened my eyes, frowning quizzically, expecting to see a cloud or something. Instead, I was surprised to see Ace there, staring down at me.
Shit. I looked guiltily over at Ava. Could I pretend that I was just babysitting her? No, it must be obvious that she was mine. We looked pretty similar, after all. I only hoped he didn’t recognize the similarities between himself and Ava.
Ace put up both his hands. “I swear, I’m not stalking you,” he said.
I blinked up at him. I hadn’t even though of that possibility. Now, I had to wonder. Was it really a coincidence that he had ended up there in Boston, living just a few streets over from me?
I shook my head. That was crazy.
I glanced back over at Ava and then got to my feet, pulling him away from her. I never wanted to disturb her naps, and I definitely didn’t want to do it right now. What would she think if she woke up and found me arguing with her father? Would she have some sort of biological recognition of who Ace was?
That probably wasn’t possible, but then again, who knew. Maybe she wouldn’t consciously recognize Ace, but he was her dad, after all.