"Because of a lot of things, Natalie." She nodded and walked towards the door, shoving the papers back into the envelope. "Natalie?" I said, following her out the door. She was walking fast; any faster and she would practically be running.
"What?" she said, not looking back at me.
"Natalie, wait." She stopped and turned. She was at the bottom of the porch steps. Her eyes looked like she was going to start crying, and immediately, I knew I couldn't make her stay long enough for me to see that happen. "Tell Brett I'm sorry," I said lamely. She nodded and hurried towards her car. By the time she was pulling out, she had been too far away for me to see for sure, but I had thought I had seen her tears, her trying to wipe them away so she'd be able to see as she drove.
I should feel better, I thought. I should have felt relieved that I never had to worry about going back if I never wanted to. I never had to be part of that world again, see those people, get caught up in the money and scandal, all that shit I had wanted to get away from. It was gone now. It couldn't stick to me. I had said goodbye to the company and goodbye to Natalie. I should have felt better, but I didn't. Why?
This was what I wanted, wasn't it?
I thought it was. I wanted to be free from everything I hated. Now that I was, I still felt unsettled, like things weren't right yet. There was still something missing, or something I still had to get rid of. The memory of the dream nagged at me. Natalie's face as she pulled out onto the road haunted me.
This was about to be it. I was alone now, truly alone. I had severed all the ties I had to other people. Coming out here, I had been sure, fucking certain, that this had been what I wanted. Now that I had it...
I mean, was there any going back from this? To what? Clearly, this wasn't what I wanted anymore, so what was? Whatever I picked, I'd have to live with, so what was it going to be?
Natalie's car disappeared from sight, and I went back inside. I looked around the cabin, and that feeling settled around me again. Being so aware of the quiet that it sounded loud. This is it, I thought. I hope you're happy. It would be a shame if it still wasn't enough.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Natalie
Moving to Provo from Salt Lake, one of my biggest reservations, besides the distance I would have to start traveling to get to work, had been losing my Pilates place. It was the one form of exercise that didn't make me want to kill myself and everyone around me. I tried to make it a point to go a few times a week but had fallen off in a big way since I had gotten entangled in the whole thing with Cameron and the general Porter family drama.
I had no excuse not to go on the weekends and usually didn't try and make any. It was usually as easy as weighing the consequences of what I wanted to be able to eat and what it was likely to do to my dress size. Dress size tended to win out every time. Today though, it was two in the afternoon, and I had done nothing but rewatch episodes of Friday Night Lights that I had seen a million times already on the couch in yoga pants and no bra under my shirt. My kitchen sink was full of spoons that I had eaten peanut butter off of because at no point had I had it in me to call in for food or make something that required even minor assembly.
The last time I had felt like this had been a while ago. A while ago, and there was no good reason for this time. I didn't get this way unless I had recently ended a romantic relationship, so what the hell was the excuse now?
I had ignored my phone all day. The only other people I had seen had been the two-dimensional characters on my television screen, and they didn't count. I had napped more hours than an adult of my age and activity level needed.
I hadn’t cried though. That had stopped the night before, and I didn’t care how hollow a victory that was, I was celebrating it.
My doorbell rang, and I ignored it. I hoped it wasn't the mail carrier because I didn't want to be rude, but I wasn’t getting up. All my curtains were still drawn, I imagined the house looked like it was empty from the outside. Maybe my neighbors were checking on me to see if I had died. That would be in their interest, I guessed, probably affect their property value by proxy.
Whoever was at the door knocked again. I paused the TV and tried to make it seem like I wasn't home.
"Nat? Natalie?" I heard someone say. Shit. I rolled my eyes, getting up off the couch, wrapping the blanket I had over me around myself instead of leaving it behind. I unlocked the door and opened it.
"Oh my god."
"Nobody's home. Come back later," I said. That was the first time I had actually heard my own voice all day, I realized with some amusement.
"Natalie, what the hell. Have you looked at your phone today?" Kasey asked, barging inside.
"Please come in. It isn't like I wanted to be alone today. Have some time to my damn self," I said sarcastically. She walked into my living room, looked around, then turned to me with a look of utter disgust on her face.
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Do you want something Kase? I was kind of busy."
"Yeah, you and Coach Taylor have a lot to talk about together?" she asked me sarcastically, waving her hand at the TV.
"You know I never recovered after it was canceled."
"I've been texting you all day," she scolded.
"Sorry," I said, shrugging weakly. "Sorry if you were worried." I went over to the couch and slumped back into it. She looked at me, really looked, like she was inspecting me just in case a body double had taken over.
"What happened yesterday? You haven't replied to any of my texts."