"Nothing happened." I tried to sound nonchalant, but she saw right through it.
"Oh no, did he...?"
"He didn't do anything. I just said what I had to say, and he told me what he felt about that."
"I'm sorry, Nat."
"For what? I'm not losing anything," I said, shrugging. "He didn't feel the same way, so there was nothing to lose." The next time this happened, I’d use that advice, and hopefully it would work out better than it had this time. It was sound advice; that wasn’t the problem. Not everyone you wanted would want you back. I was just at that place after a breakup when you felt like you would rather be dead than think about whoever you lost anymore. Yeah, all that and Cameron and I hadn’t even been dating.
"But you didn't want to hear that,'" she said, sitting down next to me. I just shrugged, not wanting to go into it all over again but knowing she wasn't going to give me the option to sulk in peace.
"Of course I didn't," I said. "It's not like I was even really pursuing a relationship when we got involved. It was just... I know how this sounds, Kase; you don't have to tell me."
"I wasn't going to say anything."
"You were right about there being nothing at stake if he didn't feel the same way, but I could have sworn that there was something there and it wasn't one-sided. I felt it, Kase. I know that it probably hasn't been long enough, but I felt like I just knew. I felt like he would say yes, and I feel so stupid now."
"Don't feel bad for communicating your feelings to him, Nat. And don't feel bad that it didn't work out. I know you do now, but if it didn't work out, it wasn't supposed to."
"It was my fault."
"It wasn't anyone's fault."
"I lied to him, Kase; it was all my fault."
"You made a mistake. It sucks that he couldn't get past that, but maybe that's better for the long term," she said. "You can't sit here and wallow in all the things that can’t happen anymore otherwise you'll die here before you start living again."
"I just want to watch season four again and pretend like the last month of my life didn't happen."
"You can't do that."
"I was making progress before you showed up," I accused, starting the TV again.
"Turn that off," she said, taking the remote from me and turning the television off. "Have you been outside today? Have you even moved from that spot since last night?" I crossed my arms. I had actually slept in my bed the night before, and I resented her thinking that.
"Give me the remote."
"No, you get upstairs and get dressed. We're leaving."
"Leaving? And going where?"
"The salon. Your hair looks like shit."
"Thanks, I'll let my stylist know that she's bad at her job."
She glared at me. "I'm not the one who shot you down, Nat. You get to be sad about it, but you don't get a free pass to be a bitch." I sunk back into the couch.
"I know," I mumbled. "I just feel like... have you ever felt like you did something so bad, nothing can ever make up for it?"
"Cameron Porter isn't the last man who you'll ever fall for, Nat."
"That's the thing; I don't want to fall for anyone else. I wanted to see what happened with Cameron. I've never felt so close to anyone after such a short time." She sighed, letting me have that one. She didn't keep people around that long, so I was speaking a foreign language to her. The ocean was full of fish. If you stood in one place long enough, another person would come by; men were like buses, my mom used to say to me. I didn’t feel optimistic enough to consider my other options. Not when I still missed Cameron so fucking much.
"Did you love him?" she asked. I just shrugged because I knew what the answer was and I didn't want to say it because it would just make everything feel worse. "Natalie, I'm sorry that it didn't work out, but you can't just sit with the heartbreak of it forever. You got rejected, and you know what? That was the worst thing he could have done, and he did it. That was the end. Now you can move on because he gave you a clean break. You can take advantage of that and move on to something better."
"I'm not ready," I sulked.
"That's why I'm here," she said. "Go get dressed. I can do your hair. You can get your nails done."