She looked at me. “Oh, sorry, I forgot. Did you still need something?”
I gave her a look that said she wasn’t fooling anyone. It was obvious she was avoiding me.
We managed to get through another awkward class without speaking directly to each other. I dismissed class a couple minutes early, making sure she couldn’t use the excuse that she would be late to her next class. This time, I didn’t give her an opportunity to escape.
“Miss McShane, I need to see you after class,” I said, as the students began to file out the door, putting her on the spot.
She looked at me as if she were going to tell me no, but seemed resigned to the idea.
“Sure,” she said, trying her best to sound nonchalant. Jeff had stopped at her desk, but when he realized she was busy, he quickly left the room.
I could see how nervous she was. I think we both were. I know I certainly didn’t want to get into the whole embarrassing situation, but it was better than walking around on eggshells when we were in the same room together five days a week. The mature thing to do was to admit the mistake and move past it. I hoped.
Once the last student left, I walked over, shut the door and locked it. I didn’t want to take the chance we would get interrupted. The last thing I needed was a student or the dean hearing about our misdeed in my office.
Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself for what I needed to do. “Tessa, we have to talk,” I started.
I turned to look at her and slowly walked back to my desk. She nodded, stayed in her seat, and looked at me. I didn’t know what to say. How did I start a conversation about why I kissed her? I decided to dive right in, like pulling off a Band-Aid. I sat in my seat and rolled it closer to where she was sitting.
Her nervousness visibly amplified the closer I got, and I stopped several feet away from her. I couldn’t live with myself if I scared her or made her dread being alone in a room with me. I never wanted any woman to feel that way, especially her.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out. It was all I knew to say. I knew I had already said it, but I needed to say it again. I needed her to know that I didn’t go around kissing young women. “I know that kissing you was completely inappropriate. I know it violated written as well as unspoken rules about conduct between a teacher and student.”
She nodded. “It does. I mean, it was a risky move. I’m sorry, too. I should have stopped you.”
“No, please, it wasn’t your fault. This is all on me,” I told her, meaning every word. I initiated the kiss. Yes, she could have pulled back or slapped me, but it was still my fault for ever starting it.
We sat in silence before she looked up from her clenched hands. “Ian,” she said softly.
“Hmm?”
“Why? Why did you kiss me?” she asked.
The question took me by surprise. I wasn’t sure what to say. Why does anyone kiss anyone? It was an impulsive decision and not one I was exactly proud of. If I told her my real reason, because I wanted to, I would sound ridiculous. Who was I kidding though? I was ridiculous.
“Because I wanted to?” I said, more of a question than a real answer. I felt like a fool the moment the words crossed my lips. That was an answer a toddler gave or an insolent teen used, not an a
dult in a respected teaching position.
She smiled. It was a warm, tender smile. One that felt like she was patting me on the head like a good dog. I guessed that was better than a smirk or a slap to the face, both of which I was deserving of.
“Okay,” she said, slapping her hands on her thighs. “All right, then. I need to get going. I’ll see you Wednesday.”
I stood, not sure if that was exactly the conversation we needed to have, but I felt a little better. She seemed a bit more relieved as well, so I figured I should leave it at that. I didn’t want to leave it though. What I really wanted to do was grab her around the waist, pull her in close, and ravish her mouth.
Shocked with myself, I blinked, frozen with the knowledge of my sudden need to have her. If she knew how badly I was craving her, she would run out of the room screaming. I walked past her and unlocked the door.
“Have a good weekend,” I said, standing off to the side to make sure there was no contact as she went by. I watched as she walked down the hall, instantly feeling her absence. I wanted her… in more ways than one.
The beginning of next week was going to be rough without her around. She pushed open the double doors, sunlight filling the area, enveloping her and creating a spectacular silhouette. I stood there, unable to move as she walked away. It felt like a loss. A loss similar to what I had experienced when Miriam and Ally were killed.
It was clearly not the same, and it made no sense that I would feel this way, but I did. I felt bereft without her company. I wanted to spend every minute with her, and her absence was stealing away precious time.
I needed to get it together. Thank God I had the barbecue this weekend. I needed to get out of the school and hopefully put Tessa out of my mind. Jake better be prepared to keep me entertained. I couldn’t afford to fall in love or lust with a student. No way could I jeopardize my job.
Chapter 16
Tessa