Noah came to stand next to me, his attention on the cows eating grass far in the distance.
“Why?” he asked, turning to me now. I felt his eyes on my profile so intensely I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
“Why what?”
“Don’t play dumb. Why are you committing yourself to a nunnery?” His words were laced with frustration and anger and grief, and a whole host of other emotions I didn’t have time to identify. Did he really care about my choice this much? The thought made my pulse pound.
“Because dedicating my life to God feels like the right thing to do,” I told him.
“Bullshit.”
“Noah!” I exclaimed.
“You know I’m right.” I glanced at him, and his eyes were sharp as daggers. “The life of a nun isn’t necessarily godly. Have you any clue of the evil nuns have done in this country in the past?”
“I’m well aware of what nuns have done in the past, but that’s not what I’ll do. I’ll be a force for good.”
He threw his hands up in the air and laughed somewhat manically. “Jesus Christ, I might as well have taught you nothing.” He dragged a hand down his face. “I gave you all those books so that you could decide for yourself.”
“And I have decided,” I told him evenly.
“I thought you were different,” he said, frustrated.
I turned to face him. “Can you only ever accept my beliefs if they match yours?”
He deflated at little at this, one hand on his hip as he ran the other through his hair. “Fuck. No, that’s not what I’m saying. I love that you have such strong beliefs. Honestly, it’s completely fascinating to me, but there’s a big difference between practicing a religion and giving your entire life away to it. Becoming a nun isn’t the answer.”
“Do you know the main thing I learned from those books you gave me? I learned that all religions are humanity’s way of trying to understand the world and how to live in it. We interpret things in different ways and Catholicism is my way of interpreting it. You don’t have to agree with my choice,” I said, emotion wobbling in my throat. “But it’s mine, and I’m standing by it.”
He stared at me, his expression a smorgasbord of emotions; furious, perplexed, mournful. “You’re choosing to dedicate your life to a God that doesn’t exist, Estella,” he said quietly.
His words cut through me like a knife. “You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do. No God would allow this world to be as it is, to allow such depravity and suffering and cruelty to go on and do nothing to stop its spread. If there is a God, then he’s nothing but a devil. If you want to spend your life serving a deity like that then you might as well not have a brain in your head at all, and I know that you do. So, I’ll ask again, why?”
Frustration coursed through me. Just because God didn’t exist for Noah didn’t mean that God didn’t exist for me. Didn’t he understand that? Sometimes it felt like there was no reasoning with him when it came to these matters.
“I don’t owe you an explanation.” I turned to walk away but he caught my wrist, spinning me back around.
“Like fuck you don’t,” he said, glaring down at me.
I stared back defiantly, and then his eyes lowered to my mouth. On instinct, I wet my lips, my heart pounding but not from anger.
Our eyes locked, and I trembled when he captured my face in his warm hands, his thumbs moving back and forth over the sensitive skin at my jaw.
“Remember this,” he whispered hoarsely.
“Why?”
His eyes took on a dark, seductive gleam. “Because if you make this fucked up choice then it might have to last you a lifetime.”
Everything sped up as he lowered his lips to mine. Our mouths and bodies clashed, and my breathing stuttered. All the pent-up feelings I had for him tumbled out. I was unable to hide them now. My kiss with Kean might as well have been a million years ago because Noah’s kiss erased it completely. My chest rose and fell sharply as I sank into him, hands finding his strong, warm neck. I loved the feel of his skin. My fingertips skated shakily along his throat, and he growled into the kiss.
“Keep touching me,” he rasped and then he lifted me. My legs went around his waist as he carried me over to the stone wall separating the field from the one beyond. He settled between my thighs, one hand caressing my cheek as the other clasped my knee. A feminine sigh escaped me as his lips found mine again.
His tongue invaded my mouth this time, and my stomach flipped. Something tightened between my legs at the erotic slide of his tongue against mine. I couldn’t get enough of him as I pulled him close, as close as I could get without crawling under his skin. Tingles skittered down my spine, and my chest heaved, my breasts straining against him as electricity shot through me.