“Tell me why,” he said against my mouth. “The real reason. Do that, and I’ll accept your decision.”
I lifted my chin. There was barely a millimetre between our mouths, our breaths mingling. I noticed his breathing was just as laboured as mine. “I’m not seeking your acceptance,” I said, defiant again.
“We both know that’s not true.” His green eyes practically glowed as he nipped at my mouth, and it took all my strength not to moan.
His gaze held mine, and unspoken words hung between us. He was right. I did want his acceptance. His kiss sent me over the edge, and I was more conflicted than ever. One part of me wanted him to say I was making the right decision, but another part wanted him to tell me not to do it, to declare that he couldn’t possibly live without me. It was irrational, and there was no way to know if the strength of his feelings matched mine. All I knew was, ever since he walked into my life, he’s had a strange and powerful hold over me.
I lifted my hand to his neck again and felt his heartbeat pounding away under his skin. I clearly affected him. Maybe his feelings did match mine. The very idea sent my insides into a tailspin. It had to be true. Why else would he be so incensed about my decision?
“When he was a boy,” I began, speaking quietly. “My dad made a promise that he never fulfilled. His mother was very ill, and he prayed to God for help, promising that if He saved her life, he’d join the priesthood. Then he met my mother, fell in love and broke his promise. Ever since he failed to keep that promise, bad luck chased him until finally his life was snatched away forever. Now that same bad luck chases me, and if I don’t do something drastic my life could be snatched away just like my dad’s was.”
“Oh, Estella,” Noah breathed, his voice washing over me as he absorbed my story. “There’s no such thing as curses. There’s just life, and sometimes life goes wrong. Believe me, I know all about it.”
I shook my head. “It’s okay if you don’t believe, but I do. I can’t explain it, but I know there are forces out there far greater than what we can comprehend.” I didn’t mention the fact that the ghost of his dead father haunted me, or that I often dreamed of the past and suspected I might have psychic abilities. Telling him I believed in curses was bizarre enough for one conversation.
“Entering a convent means I can finally finish what my father started,” I said, my eyes flickering back and forth between his. “It’s a small price to pay if it means I get to live my life without constantly looking over my shoulder, worrying that misfortune and death might be looming.”
Noah’s eyes turned sad now, almost like he felt sorry for me. He probably thought I’d gone mad, that Ard na Mara had finally pushed me over the edge. His palm flattened out on my chest and practically burned a hole through my uniform.
“You truly believe this?” he asked quietly.
“Yes,” I answered, just as quiet.
“Is there anything that could change your mind?”
I shook my head. “Only a miracle.”
I couldn’t decipher the look in his eyes, but something about it knocked the wind out of me. He seemed to come to some kind of conclusion when he replied, “I’ll support your decision.”
My eyebrows jumped. “You will?”
“I will.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
We didn’t break eye contact, and his hand was still flat against my chest. My breathing quickened, and my stomach began doing somersaults. Lust coursed through my veins. I knew in that moment walking away from whatever it was that simmered between Noah and I would be the hardest part of choosing a life of faith. Especially after how life-altering his kiss was. So powerful I doubted the memory of it would ever fade.
Noah’s expression was sultry, his eyes hooded as they returned to my mouth. His lips tugged into the barest hint of a smirk. “Sister Estella. I quite like the sound of that.”
I shook my head. “I’m not a sister yet.”
“No,” he said. “You aren’t. And it’ll be a pity for you to cover up all this gorgeous hair, but luckily black suits you.”
“I won’t necessarily have to wear a full habit. Most nuns wear normal clothes these days, especially if they have jobs in the community.”
His smirk deepened. “Great. There goes that particular fantasy.”
I swiped him across the chest, relieved the mood had shifted. All the fears and worries that resided inside me were just so heavy, so debilitating at times. I needed the light, carefree moments to break them up.
“Of course, that’s the first place your mind goes,” I chided.