The sex came as a surprise and was not part of the plan. I didn’t think he really planned it either, I could give him that much, but it didn’t change how I felt. I wanted him, for real and was not sure if he felt the same.
I got the number, dialed, and hit send. The phone was ringing. I hoped that Liam wouldn’t pick up, not even sure I could stand hearing his voice. The call went to voicemail, and I relaxed. I told his voicemail as calmly as I could that we knew enough about each other, and we didn’t need to spend as much time together. There was no need for him to pick me up today.
I wasn’t mean, at least I hoped not. I didn’t hate him. Note yet. I still wasn’t really sure how I felt. I thought it was just best to stay away from him for a while until I could figure things out.
It was the first time I have gone into the office without cookies for a while. After what happened in the house at Big Sur, I didn’t really feel comfortable baking anymore. It annoyed me because I used to like it so much. I wore my old clothes, having donated the clothes I had bought with Liam’s money. I still had the red dress in case we were still going to the wedding, but I no longer liked how it fit me. It felt really revealing, which made me feel shy.
I sat in the chair at my desk, sincerely hoping that Ann wouldn’t need much. I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone. Both Vicky and Amelia passed my desk while going about their business, and I avoided eye contact, hoping they won’t talk to me. I did this for them as much as myself. I didn’t want to snap at them or burst out crying, both of which would be really embarrassing as well as equally likely.
Before too long, Ann came out of her office. I really hoped she was just going to lunch or something, but I could hear her coming toward my desk. I cursed silently and prepared myself for the worst.
“Hey,” Ann said, sounding concerned.
I made a grunt I intend to mean “hey” but ended up sounding more like I had a stomachache.
“What’s wrong?” she asked bluntly, seeing right through me.
“I -”
“Come on,” Ann said, heading for the elevators. “We’re going to get coffee.”
The café was just up the street from the law building. One of those pseudo-Parisian hipster places. Ann was buying so it didn’t matter. I still had a lot of Liam’s money, my tastes just not being that expensive, but I wasn’t really comfortable using it. It made me feel like a sugar baby, so I was glad I didn’t even have to think about it.
“Want to sit outside?” Ann asked as we got out drinks.
“No, too many smokers,” I said, as though I needed a reason, and all forms of smoking hadn’t been banned at the cafe’s sidewalk seating.
“Cool,” Ann said in her relaxed, easy way, heading for an interior table.
“It’s Liam,” I said as we sat.
“What happened?” Ann asked.
“Nothing much really,” I lied.
“Bullshit,” Ann said, clearly knowing it when she heard it.
“I thought things were going really well with Liam, that it might actually be real, but then he brought me back to earth. It was nice while it lasted, but it ends like everything does in the end.”
“Wow,” Ann said.
“What?” I asked.
“I had no idea you were actually so negative. I thought maybe you were just having a bad day.”
“About a year’s worth,” I said, laughing without humor.
“Why?”
“M-my brother, Jacob. He’s my twin. We’re not identical, obviously, but we still have the bond. He was in Iraq. Part of me died when he came back with PTSD. He barely even responds anymore. Has what they call a hundred-yard stare. I have no idea what’s going on in his head or if he is even in there anymore. He won’t talk to me. According to what the military told me he was coming back to the vehicle after a foot patrol when it was hit by a rocket. Every boy in his unit died, as well as an embedded journalist and independent photographer. Jacob only survived because he was still far enough outside the blast radius. Didn’t stop him from seeing everything. The doctors tell me he should come out of it, but I’m not so sure. Something just doesn’t feel right. I want to get him into some proper therapy but can’t afford it yet. Liam offered to help but never followed through.”
Ann nodded. “We should talk to my friend Carl. He had some PTSD when he came back too. Nothing like what you’re describing with your brother, but he’ll probably have some ideas on how to go about getting help. Let me call him and set up something for tonight. I may not be able to help with Liam, but this I can do.”