He, too, wants us to be a real family and no longer pretend that whatever’s happening between us is a lie.
If Mystery and Tassels weren’t sleeping on my lap, I’d have jumped into his arms and kissed him so hard and maybe even demanded we make love right here, even though making love to my husband on a porch wasn’t on my bucket list.
But little did I know, my fur babies protected me. Maybe they knew I needed that wall between him and me, because Zane’s next words have my ribs tightening until I can’t breathe.
“I just r-received an email from th-the hospital. We have an appointment with Dr. Allen t-tomorrow. If ever-rything’s okay, we can…s-stop. I’ll f-find a lawyer, and he’ll draw up our d-divorce papers.”
Time seems to have slowed down. I’m at a loss for words, and that has rarely happened to me. My hands caressing the fur of our kids stop. I try and fail and try again to imagine a day without Zane and Mystery.
“What about everyone else? Your family?” My voice sounds blank. There’s no emotion, not even sadness or disappointment.
I can’t feel anything. Half of my brain doesn’t believe this conversation is real.
Zane’s still clutching the phone. The usual calmness on his face is no longer there. “I’ll th-think of s-something. This w-was bound t-to happen.”
Was it?
With every passing day I spent with this man, I’ve felt several emotions lurking around us.
Friendship.
Affection.
Love.
How could I have been so wrong?
So all this time, Zane was waiting for me…to get better and leave?
But what about all our time together? We had sex—we made love!
You silly fool, what could he have done when you cried like a baby and threw that insane bucket list at his face?
What choice did he have?
My inner self continues to reprimand me, and I don’t even realize that Zane has gone inside.
I spend a few minutes on the couch. Every moment I’ve spent with him in this house flashes before my eyes as I try to figure out where the hell I went wrong.
When the cold air hits my face, I place a kiss on Tassels’ and Mystery’s heads before opening the door to the living room.
My feet come to a halt at the sight of freshly filled food and water bowls. One day I told Zane that even though they can’t see color, we should at least try to make their food look pretty. So, I placed three black kibbles in the form of eyes and a nose and then made lips with a string of pink-colored food. Since that day, our kids always have a smiling face on their food bowl.
But today, my lips don’t curl up at that sight. Instead, I bite them back, trying to bury the sob within.
Shit, Vi!
If this feels like someone has ripped my heart out of my chest now, how will it be when I leave this house with my luggage and Tassels’ carrier?
I plod inside, and for a brief second, I hesitate at the landing before the two bedrooms. Since our return in Cherrywood, Zane and I’ve spent every night in his bedroom. We’ve talked, made jokes, and shared our fears, kisses, and secrets in each other’s arms. I can’t believe all that meant nothing to him.
As much as I try, I can’t feel anger toward him. I wish I could know what he’s thinking.
Giving one last look to his closed bedroom door, I walk inside the guest room, which feels foreign and cold. I get under the covers, and as soon as I rest my head against the pillow, tears spill from my eyes.
Silent tears run down my face and get absorbed in the beige pillow covers.
I cry for the love that wasn’t mine.