My stomach tightens at his declaration. I say a silent prayer.
Please, God, make me strong enough that I can take away whatever pain he’s harboring.
Zane has always slayed my fears and turned them into beautiful hope. I wish I could do the same for him.
“You m-might hate me aft-ter—”
“Zane Teager!” I gasp and nudge him to turn around until he’s facing me.
There’s a painful smile on his lips, which disturbs me more than his words.
“Listen to me clearly. There’s nothing you can say or do that’ll change my feelings for you.” My throat chokes toward the end, and even if his beseeching gaze pleads me to speak those feelings out loud… I can’t.
Zane and I started with me needing him. Financially. Emotionally.
But if the feelings that have developed between us are to have a future, he has to confirm them.
I cannot be the first to say that I want him…without any reason this time.
I cannot be the first to tell him that I’ll die without him, and not because of some sickness, but because life won’t be as beautiful as it is with him in it.
If we ever take that leap of love, he has to be the first to offer me his hand.
* * *
It’s been a few minutes since Zane and I sat on the couch. The fireplace is lit, but there’s a chill of apprehension around us.
When I think maybe he’s changed his mind, Zane says, “My mother had a d-difficult pregnancy with me. I was born pr-re-mature, and as an infant, had more s-sick days than healthy ones. I’ve been t-told that my parents loved each other until th-they couldn’t.” He doesn’t look away from the crackling fire. “I’m s-sure the burden I br-rought along d-didn’t help their fr-raying relationship.”
My tongue feels heavy in my mouth as anxiety crawls up my spine. I can feel in Zane’s voice that this story doesn’t have a happy ending.
“One d-day my father w-was out to get me medicine, but he never r-returned. A car cr-rash took his life.”
My chest tightens to a point of pain. “I’m so sorry, Zane.” Words that don’t feel like enough spill out of my mouth.
A chilling smile crosses his face. “Just my exis-stence turned the lives of my family upside d-down. My mother was an ad-ddict and moved in with her dr-rug dealer. He abused, hit, and des-stroyed the lives of my br-rothers in ways I can’t even imagine. Th-that man’s actions left its impact on all of us. My br-rothers bear scars of th-those days even today. All because of me.”
The guilt behind his admission shakes my core.
“What…about…you?” Your pain. Your suffering. “What did he do to you?” I softly ask.
“It d-doesn’t matter. It was-sn’t anything close to wh-what I deserve, and neither was it anyth-thing as grave as wh-what my brothers went th-through.”
“I still want to know.” I crawl closer to him, sliding under his arm. His hands are cold and goose bumps litter his forearms.
He looks down at me, and I see indecision clear in his eyes. I twine my fingers with his, hoping he’ll share his pain with me and give me a rare chance to be there for him.
And thank God he does.
“I used to cr-ry a lot as a child s-sometimes because I was in pain, s-sometimes possibly because I didn’t unders-stand what was going on ar-round me. He used to sh-shake me to stop my crying. That fucker d-didn’t know about sh-shaken baby s-syndrome. I used to vomit, have s-seizures, which provoked him fur-rther.”
“Oh my God!”
“I didn’t have physical br-ruises or any signs of injury, but his actions affected th-the part of my brain r-responsible for s-speech.”
My nails dig into his forearms, and my throat chokes. It’s a struggle for me to speak right now. “I’m so sorry, Zane. I don’t know what to say.”
Zane looks up at the chandelier hung on the ceiling. “My major r-regret is, I continue to be th-that imperfection in my family and our business, which my br-rothers have worked so hard to put together. They s-suffered so much pain because of me, and even now, I d-don’t give them peace.”