I could look back with regret for the decisions I’d made, but this wasn’t my fault. Anger at Alvin surged through me, bringing cold fury with it. That chill helped fix the crack in my core. It wasn’t just death that helped protect me, but my own indignation forged from the many ways Alvin had hurt me.
Knowing that, maybe I could protect myself better now. My power relied on that indignation. It helped me make the choices that would decide whether or not someone deserved to live. That wasn’t a duty I’d ever asked for, but it was mine, nonetheless.
I had to lean into it. This was the fate I’d been given. Defying fate would get me nowhere. I had to follow it and see if it would lead me somewhere bright and safe.
Until then, I needed to get away from Ryder. I couldn’t risk hurting him. My pack needed Ryder more than I did, and I needed him a lot. The pack would crumble and fall apart without Ryder to lead them. I couldn’t be the one to take that from them, or I would prove that I had been the problem all along.
“I’m not hurt,” Ryder whispered into my hair.
I tightened my grip on his shirt. He could have been hurt. I’d come closer than I would have liked.
A dirty joke had helped me break Alvin’s hold over me. I didn’t understand why or how, but that moment of connection between Ryder and myself had given me the opportunity I’d needed. Now, I needed to figure out how to recreate that should Alvin make another attempt to control me.
An idea struck me. Ryder wouldn’t like it, but it was all I could think of right now.
I sat back and looked up at him. “Next time Alvin controls me, I need you to kill me.”
Cold flooded my body. I shivered with the force of it. Though I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I’d come back to life once, I had no idea if it would happen again. Would death keep sending me back? Or would I ask Ryder to do this only to find that it was a onetime offer?
Either way, it would keep Ryder safe.
Ryder snarled defiantly. His grip on me tightened, his fingers digging in so hard that they might bruise. “That’s not going to happen. We’ll find Alvin before it comes down to that.”
I cupped his face in my hands and savored the feel of his growing beard against my palm. I tried to commit the sensation to memory, so that I could remember this moment when my last breaths came.
“Ness,” he said, voice soft and low as if that might hide the pain behind it.
“If it comes down to me or you,” I said. “Then I need you to live. My pack needs you.”
Ryder shot up from the floor. He held me tight as we tumbled onto the bed together. I parted my legs so that he would fit against me like a puzzle piece I’d been missing my whole life. With his body over mine, I felt safe for once. Nothing could get past him. That thought allowed me to breathe for once.
I wound my arms around his neck and held him close. He bent his head and pressed his forehead to mine. This close, our breaths mingled. Need curled inside my chest. It reached for him. I wanted to pull him closer and press my lips to his, but I waited.
He’d kissed me a couple of times before. I didn’t know why. The one time, when I’d used my command to make him answer a question, he’d kissed me to buy time while he fought his command. At least, that’s what I thought.
Ryder confused me. He had a mate. Bri was nearby, waiting for him to make the decision to return to her. Yet, here he was with me. We’d been sharing the same bed for a while now. He hovered around me like he couldn’t bear to let me out of his sight.
I knew that was only because he wanted to keep me safe. Ryder didn’t feel the same way about me that I did about him. My love would remain unrequited, and I had to be okay with that. I had to savor this closeness for now, because I might never get it again.
“Don’t be stupid, Ness. I don’t know what I would do without you. I think my beast would riot if you left me now.”
“You mean, if I died. You wouldn’t be a failure if I died, especially if you had to do it yourself. I asked you to, after all.” I threaded my fingers through his thick hair.
Ryder lifted his chin and pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead. “You don’t understand at all.”
I paused. What did I not understand? It hit me that I’d asked him to kill again. He’d been forced to kill his own father, a man he’d admired and loved, to save his clan. My request had the same kind of consequences.