My body turned. Alvin seemed confident that Ryder would stay right where I’d put him. Out of the room, I padded into the kitchen and reached for the butcher block. A knife slid out with a soft whisper that I could barely hear.
Stomach clenched tight, I screamed and pounded again.
Slide the blade in between his vertebrae. That’s the only way to kill a shifter like him.
I flinched. My body recoiled as well. In the hall, my body halted. My revulsion made me rock on my heels. The hall seemed to narrow, growing smaller and smaller as the walls closed in around me.
Good, I thought. Let the walls swallow me. So long as they could keep me from hurting Ryder, then I accepted my fate.
My thoughts steadied, but that helped my body, too. The hall snapped back to normal, and my body lurched forward.
Well, that fucking sucks, I thought.
I wondered if I could give myself a command as my body stepped back into the bedroom. A part of me had hoped that Ryder would be gone by the time I’d returned, just as Jackson had escaped my command earlier.
Ryder was right where I’d left him, though. He looked at me with wide, pleading eyes. I could see him and everything those eyes wanted to say, but I was helpless. I wanted to tell him that I heard him loud and clear. I wanted to apologize.
My hand trembled as I lifted the knife. I did my best to fight it. I tugged and tugged, trying to drag it back down to my side. Sensing that it was futile, I tried to pry my own fingers open. They refused to give in.
Alvin told me to step around Ryder. My old Alpha whispered instructions, telling me exactly where I needed to put the knife in order to get it between the vertebrae. My whole being rebelled at the very thought.
No. Don’t do it. You love him. He means absolutely everything to you. Ryder is the only person who has ever protected you through thick and thin.
You can overcome this.
Don’t let Alvin win.
Ryder’s lips twisted in a growl. His body shook. I rocked back as he rose to his feet. He caught my wrist in his hand, rendering the knife useless.
I sank into my relief. It was momentary, though. I could already feel my lips parting. Alvin reached inside me again. His touch, even from a distance, was a violation that made my stomach turn. Bile soured the back of my mouth.
Alvin pulled on my arcana again. This time, it was thin and wispy. There was so little left in me. Would it hold Ryder for even a second? I hoped not. I hoped that this was the last of my arcana and that no one would ever have to fear me like this ever again.
Ryder didn’t seem afraid of me. He watched me with more kindness on his face than I deserved. I wished I could tell him how I felt, that I loved him and no one else would ever mean as much to me as he did.
My lips were sealed, though.
Wait. I had control of my lips! I clenched my jaw tight so that no sound could leave my mouth. Ryder’s brows lifted hopefully.
“Ness,” he breathed. “Ness, come back to me.”
A dirty joke flitted through my brain. I laughed and heard the sound echoed in reality.
“Alvin,” Ryder growled.
Maybe he thought that my laugh hadn’t been my own. Cautious, I unclenched my jaw and pushed out a shaky breath. When I breathed in, I smirked wryly.
“You want me to cum to you?” I asked, voice wobbling.
Ryder laughed, and it seemed to open a doorway. I surged through that doorway and found myself back in reality once more.
The knife clattered to the floor. I sucked in a deep breath as all the sounds of the outside world came rushing back. Sensations came back, too. My hand pulsated from how hard I’d been gripping the knife. My knees trembled, a warning barely an instant before they buckled altogether.
I collapsed into his arms. I expected him to push me away, but he pulled me in, and we both dropped to the floor together. He placed a hand on my cheek and turned my face towards him so I could see his eyes swimming with unshed tears.
Between one blink and the next, the tears vanished. Ryder gave me a shaky smile that made me sob. The sound escaped me before I could stop it. I gripped the front of his shirt and buried my face in his chest.
Ryder rocked back and forth, ever so gently, as he cradled me.