“Mummy, open your presents.” Cassie drags me by the hand, leading me into the lounge where two helium balloons waft and entwine. A number one and a four. It would be much simpler if I were fourteen.
Cairen hands me a gift bag. I open it to find my favourite chocolates and a bottle of gin. Holding up the bottle, I wonder if I’ll even get to drink it this year. Cassie’s gift bag contains a book by my favourite author and a candle that smells of the beach.
“Thank you. I love my gifts.” I hug them both as they squirm from my arms and wipe their cheeks where I planted a kiss. A tear forms in the corner of my eye, knowing this will probably be the last birthday I have where we’re all together.
The cuckoo clock sounds out, signalling it’s time to get to work. Justin hands me a large bouquet that he kept hidden until now.
I flinch, but let him kiss me on the cheek as he hands me the flowers. “I didn’t expect anything.” He’s making an effort tonight with a birthday meal, but Mum will have been behind it as well.
“Look, I know things aren't right between us, and we’re just going along with this charade for the kids’ sake, but I want us to try again. We can do marriage counselling or whatever you want.”
The thought of being a single parent fills me with dread. The night feeds alone are exhausting. I don't know if I could do it alone. If this baby is Callum’s, I have to, but if it’s Justin's, should I at least try to work things out? I smile at Justin. “We’ll see. Let’s get today over with, shall we? I’m just tired, Justin.”
He takes the flowers from me. “I’ll put them in a vase. Have a good day at work, sweetheart.”
Each time he calls me that, guilt rises in my throat. “Thanks. I’ll see you tonight.”
* * *
At lunch,I read Cal’s journal, something I do most days now.
25thJune. Steph’s Birthday.
Today was a good day. She loved her ring. I made sure she didn't get the wrong idea. I'm not ready to marry. But I thought if I were to propose one day, I'd bring her back here on the big wheel at sunset. She seemed to like it. In fact, the reward she gave me at the hotel told me she loved it.
A whimsical smile forms on my face, thinking about that day.
My nineteenth birthday was magical. We spent the day at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. The summer sun was setting, and the warm air had changed to a welcomed breeze.
“Shall we go back to the hotel?” I say with a glint in my eye, desperate to have him inside me as I did this morning.
“One more ride.” He winks, squeezing my hand.
I giggle. “We can make our own ride at the hotel.”
A puff of laughter leaves his lips, and he takes my hand, pulling me towards the big wheel. “I have another present for you.”
“You keep saying that, so let’s go back to the room, and you can give it to me.”
He laughs again. We show the attendant our wrists and board a carriage for the big wheel. I sit next to Cal and he wraps his arms around me and kisses the side of my face. “I have an actual gift for you. As well as a good seeing to later.”
“What, another?” I don’t know what I’m more excited about, the gift or the seeing to. My tummy vibrates just thinking about it.
“Yeah.” He smirks, and the wheel moves us to the next position and stops, allowing another couple to jump on the next carriage.
“What is it?” I hold my breath as he pulls out a small box and smiles. My heart races. Is he? No, he wouldn’t. It’s too soon. Although I would say yes. There’s nobody else I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Tears well up in the corner of my eyes and I take the box from him with a trembling hand. “Cal.”
“Wait. Don't get excited, it's not what you think it is.” He rubs the back of his neck and shuffles in his seat.
My heart sinks, but I keep the smile on my face. “Whatever it is, it’s beautiful.”
He twists the metal in his eyebrow, and his tongue darts out to wet his lips. “It's earrings.”
I smile and nod, wondering if he’s just teasing me? There’s a little part of me that hoped he would propose.
“It’s not earrings, it's a ring.” My chest flutters and my throat closes up. Tears drip down my cheeks. Is this really happening?