Gabriel
I was relapsing from Stacy in a way that was likely to kill me and everyone around me. It had been such a short period of time, but that didn’t really make any difference. Right was just right, and when it came to me, Stacy was just right. I knew that I was coming on too strong, calling her over and over, but I couldn’t think of anything else to do. I wanted a chance to show her that I was a man she could trust, that I wasn’t that monster the documentary made me out to be.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, though, I knew that I couldn’t fully do that. Intentions aside, my family still was who they were, and our world still was what it was. I could tell her the truth about me, that I hadn’t ever killed anyone. They didn’t typically involve me in the rougher parts of the business because they didn’t think that I was tough enough. All opportunities I’d been presented with to prove I had the Varasso mean streak had been met with my belly in the air. I could tell her that I wasn’t a monster, but is a non-monster who is a willing participant in the actions of monsters not, himself, a monster?
I picked up my phone to call Stacy again and stopped. It didn’t matter what I wanted her to believe. She’d asked me exactly the question she needed to before she asked me to leave. When it came right down to it, would I do monstrous things for my family? Without question. It was my lot in life, but it was also an honor I was proud to have. My brothers and father were men who all had some pool of evil seated deeply inside of them. I’d seen Luca and Marco’s for years as I was growing up, and they still hated me. I saw Alessandro’s when he snapped; his was the deepest and darkest of any of them. Did that pool exist inside of me, too, or had I gotten the anti-void chromosome from my unknown mother?
Stacy was probably right to avoid me, so I couldn’t keep calling her. I had to let her go, and it was probably better for both of us that it was quick and painless instead of the slow torture that might have happened if we’d gotten into a real relationship. I might have snapped like Alessandro did, and that was my number one fear. Some people feared heights or darkness or death. Me? I feared ending up exactly like my old man.
I hid my phone in my pocket to resist the temptation to call again and settled for staring over Luca’s desk and out the window. It was a gloomy, rainy day. Perfect to match the way I felt. It was raining more often than not at the Varasso estate, or at least, that was my memory. Our home wasn’t a happy place, and it never had been. We found pockets of love here and there. My dad and I were always close, and before my brothers’ mom died, there were almost always smiles on their faces. We had Molly and the kids around now. That injected joy by force, but even that seemed to be waning lately. Maybe that’s why it was raining; our gloomy existence brought it.
The slamming of the office door started me to attention. I looked over, and Luca was storming inside, wearing rage like a thick raincoat.
“Hey,” I dared to say.
Luca glared over at me. “What the fuck are you doing in here?”
Not good. We were already off to a rough start. If I had to make a guess, it was that Luca and Molly were fighting again. When Luca didn’t have the brightness that Molly brought his life, he was back to being the same foul person he was when we were growing up.
“I have something I want to talk to you about. I asked if you had anything scheduled for the afternoon, and you didn’t so…” My voice faded off under the weight of Luca leering at me as if he was contemplating whether or not to take my head off.
“Why wouldn’t you call me first? I’m really not in the mood to look at your sorry face today.” Luca threw himself down into his office chair.
I was debating whether or not telling Luca I had tried to call him or just apologizing, not knowing which gave me a better chance of making it out of the room alive. He was sick of me apologizing, so I took a risk on the former. “I did.”
Luca’s hand crawled into his suit pocket and returned with his cell phone. He looked at the screen and then closed his eyes. He set his phone down on the desk, and I expected a slam, but it was softer.
He looked up at me, and the anger had evaporated from his face. “I’m sorry. I’m being a dick.”
I sat stone still. That was so unexpected that I was suddenly considering the likelihood that I was actually looking at a body snatcher. “Oh, um.”
“I know. That didn’t sound like me, right?” A soft, possibly forced chuckle puffed out of his nose. “Shit, I don’t feel like myself most days these days.”
“I know what you mean.” I crossed my arms, trying not to let my normally nervous behavior add to Luca’s stress.
“Oh.” Luca’s face gained a little light. “How did it go?”
“What?”
“Did you ask that girl out?”
That was even more unexpected. Luca never asked about my personal life. Never. “I did, yeah.”
“How was it?” He leaned over his desk with curious eyes like we were high school besties. “Was she hot?”
Stacy’s lithe form and magnificent smile shot to my brain. “Yeah. She’s…”
I couldn’t clock my own expression, but a smile developed on Luca’s face. He shook his he
ad. “Nope. No. You can’t.”
“What?”
Luca started laughing. “Goddammit, Gabe. I feel like I can already hear you asking me if you can run off with her.”
I sputtered out an awkward laugh. “What?”
“I get it, man. I remember when I looked at Molly. She hadn’t been sitting there five minutes, and I thought, ‘Ah, shit. She’s mine.’” He laughed a little more, but then his eyes glazed over and his smile slowly faded.