Making my way through the fruit section, I grabbed an apple, and then I went to the premade sandwich section. A big sub with all the fixings on it was seven dollars. It had ham, turkey, lettuce, tomato, a packet of mayonnaise and mustard. My stomach rumbled, and my mouth watered. Now that I thought of it, the last time I ate was yesterday morning. I tucked it under my arm and walked through the next section. It was cold in here. I shivered as I strolled by the frozen meats and saw bacon. I heard a lot of people talk about bacon, and it did smell good. I’d walk by breakfast carts in the early morning hours while workers got their breakfasts, and the one thing I smelt the most was the bacon cooking.
I wished I could try it to see if I liked it.
Next, I went through the chip aisle and felt immediately overwhelmed. So many choices. I had no idea what I liked. It had been so long since I had chips. What if I bought them and hated them? It was money down the drain. I couldn’t afford to waste money. I stepped back and ran into a cart. I held out my hands as I turned around and mouthed ‘sorry’ before running to another aisle. I grabbed a traveled size bottle of shampoo and conditioner, something called dry shampoo that seemed pretty interesting, and deodorant. I still had a toothbrush and toothpaste.
I remembered my hygiene. Thankfully. What a nightmare that would be.
Music burst through the speakers in the ceiling, a slow tune that was enough to put me to sleep as I stood in the check out line. I felt everyone’s glares— their judgement—and tears welled in my eyes.
“Hi, how are you?” the cashier asked as she scanned the items. I watched the total on the screen add up and reached into the refrigerator to my right and grabbed a water. With every beep, the dollar amount climbed, and my pulse raised when it hit twenty dollars.
Twenty-two.
Twenty-three fifty.
When did things become so expensive?
“That’s going to be twenty-four-seventy-five.”
I swallowed. A part of me didn’t want to hand over the full twenty-five dollars I had. I had to though, if I didn’t want to be hungry for the night. With reservation, I stretched out my arm and handed her the money, placing it in her palm.
“This looks good,” she said, giving me a kind smile. “I hope you enjoy it.”
I tilted my lips to the side and gave her small, wary grin in return. I wasn’t too sure what to make of her kindness, but I had to show that I appreciated it.
“Be careful. It’s supposed to be cold tonight,” she advised.
My eyes drifted to her name tag. Cath-er-ine. Catherine. I hated that I had to sound things out in my head. I felt so stupid. Whatever happened to me, I’d forever be resentful.
She had soft brown hair, light blue eyes, wrinkles in her cheeks. She looked like a mom. I didn’t know what it was, but something about her glowed with wanting to take care of people. “Thank you,” I said slowly.
“May God bless you, sweetheart.” She placed my items in black reusable bags and handed them over.
I didn’t buy the bags. They are too expensive. I rubbed my hand down them and shook my head, trying to convey that there had been some mistake. She tried handing me the bags again, and this time, she slipped them around my wrist, giving the top of my hand a soft pat. Her hands were cold but soft. Her gold wedding ring shined in the grocery store light, a square diamond sitting in the middle. She brushed her wavy hair off her shoulder and handed me my receipt.
“A gift from me. I know you could use the bags. Take care, sweetie.”
Kindness.
It was one of the few things that brought warmth to my heart these days. I blinked away the tears, took the bags, and walked out the doors and into the heat. At least I had a place to stay tonight, even if I wasn’t supposed to be there.
Risk was the only thing keeping me alive these days.
And without risk, there could be no reward or promise things would get better.
I heard that somewhere. I didn’t know who or where, but it sounded true, so I was going to live by it.
Taking a left, I started the hike toward the house, my old shoes dragging along the sidewalk. Hopefully, this journey didn’t last much longer. One day I’d get my life together, and it wouldn’t be based on the sole purpose of surviving but to actually live.
I was excited for that day. I had to keep thinking of it because if I lost that, then the reason to live would be gone. And all of this would have been for nothing.
Chapter Three
Logan
The sun sat low in the sky, lowering over the edge of the earth I could no longer see. My truck was a few driveways down from the house my crew and I were working on. I sent everyone home a little early and decided to stake out the place to see if we really had a squatter or not. I wouldn’t just kick them out, that wasn’t my style. I’d offer to pay for a few nights in a hotel for them, get them food, maybe some new clothes, and send them on their way.
Kicking someone who needed a roof over their head out on the street was wrong. I wanted to always try and be a good person. Now, did that mean that I was always good? No. I had times where I knew I was an asshole, that I was up to no good, and my intentions weren’t always the greatest. I was fucking human. I made mistakes.