She shook her head and backed away, her throat closing up. Mortal. He would die on her. She would stay with him, grow to love him more every day. To rely on him for her happiness. He was part of her. He would become an even bigger part of her as the years went on. And she’d have to watch him age and sicken and die. She couldn’t do that. How could anyone be expected to do that, knowing that they’d have eternity alone afterward? Without the one they loved?
She spun on her heel and tripped through the door out into the street. She took a left, not knowing where she was going, and finally stopped near an alleyway. With a ragged sob, she sank down onto her butt and buried her face in her knees.
A boulder lodged itself in her throat, and her eyes burned as she tried to hold back the tears, but finally they burst free and she wept—bitter, horrible tears that made her previous freakouts over Warren look like a joy ride. Once, she’d have thought them pathetic. To be weeping like this over a mere man.
But he wasn’t just any man. He was Warren. He was her love. A mortal. She clutched her arms more tightly about her legs, desperately trying to rock the pain away. The Chairman’s meows did nothing to comfort her, and even when he rubbed up against her leg, it was like she couldn’t feel it at all.
When her sobs ran dry, she realized how silent the city was. Shadows peered out at her from their windows, ghostly remnants of soulcerers and soulceresses trapped forever in this cold stone labyrinth. The warmth that had once filled this city was long gone, leaving only shadows of the past that weren’t meant to be here.
Their job here wasn’t nearly over. And no matter how much her future was going to hurt, she couldn’t fall apart like this. It just wasn’t her. She wouldn’t let it be.
Esha shook her head violently, and it cleared a bit. She rose to her feet and headed back to the house. When she reached the front door, she scrubbed her hands over her eyes to get rid of the damning wetness and reminded herself of every shitty thing that had happened to her.
“This isn’t that different from everything else,” she said to the Chairman. “I’ve been left before and suffered loss, and I’ve been fine. I’ll be fine now.”
He meowed, and though she had no idea what he meant, she took it to a be I’m with you. She nodded resolutely and climbed the stairs to the house. The hall was dim as she made her way back to the kitchen, hoping for Aurora.
She got Warren instead.
“We’ll head to the temple now,” she said, trying her hardest to keep any inflection out of her voice.
He reached out to her. “Esha, I—”
“I’m going to get Aurora.” She turned and left the room, unable to look at him. Did she blame him for not telling her? Not really. But she also couldn’t look at him right now and keep her shit together.
There were too many unanswered questions. Would she be able to be with him, knowing that he would die? Or should she try to end everything now and save herself greater pain later?
Hell if I know. She huffed out a dejected laugh and climbed the stairs to the top floor. Aurora walked out of Esha’s room and met her in the hall.
“I was waiting for you,” Aurora said. “Are you all right?”
“Fine.”
“You’re no’.”
“I know. But I don’t want to talk about it. I can’t.”
Sympathy gleamed in Aurora’s eyes. “So you doona know what you’ll do?”
“No. It doesn’t matter now. Not until we destroy the temple and get out of here.” She clung to that. A job. As long as she had that to accomplish, she didn’t have to think about anything that hurt.
“Okay. Any ideas how we’ll do it?”
“Some. We can talk on the way. You ready to go?”
Aurora nodded and followed her down the stairs. Warren waited in the foyer, which meant she couldn’t leave him behind.
He stepped toward her. “Esha, can I talk to—”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” No, she couldn’t talk about it. But even explaining the nuances of that was a field fraught with land mines. Even though it was stupid to ask, desperation made her open her mouth. “Stay here. Please. We don’t know what could go wrong with this. Please stay here.”
“You know I canna do that. There’s no way in hell I’ll stay behind when it could be dangerous for you. And I canna stay away from every potentially dangerous thing because I might die. That’s no life.” His jaw was set.
“For me?” A crazed laugh escaped her. Did he have any idea how dangerous it would be for her to lose him? What that would do to her?
Clearly not. And he was the type of man to throw himself into danger on her behalf, no matter the consequences to his mortal body. It would kill him.
They weren’t going to get anywhere with this because there was no way she could convince him. She turned and headed out the door. The sun beat down weakly from overhead, illuminating windows occupied by soul shadows that watched them. Did they have any idea what was coming? That they’d soon be free to go to their afterworld?