She pressed on. “I also think we should do a few visits together before you get to be alone with her.”
I felt my whole body go cold. “You don’t trust me with her?” I asked icily.
“It’s not that,” Harper said hurriedly. “Just you’re still new to her, and I don’t want her to be nervous around you. And she’s still new to you. Don’t take this the wrong way—you just don’t really have any practice dealing with kids. I know you probably know your first aid stuff better than anyone else, but I just want to make sure you know what you’re doing before I throw you off the deep end with her.”
I stared at her for a moment. “That makes sense,” I finally said, reluctantly.
“Did you really think I wouldn’t trust you around her?” Harper asked quietly. She shook her head. “Don’t be ridiculous, Ace. I know you’re a good guy. I wouldn’t have ever slept with you if you were anything like what you’ve described your father as. You’re smart, you’re driven, and I think you’re going to be a great role model for Ava. I just want to make sure that both of you are comfortable together.”
“Thanks,” I said quietly.
“So how are things with you anyway?” Harper asked, abruptly shifting gears. “What were you so busy on all week?”
I grinned at her. “You know how George was asking me if I wanted to go into partnership with him, opening that second training facility?” I asked.
“You can’t possibly have started on that already!” Harper said, sounding amazed.
I nodded. “We signed all the paperwork, we’ve leased the building, and I’ve even started putting my things in my new office over there. We’ve got six pups already in there for training, all destined for the police force. And we’re hoping to get a few more next week. George has a couple scouting missions lined up.”
“That’s so exciting for you,” Harper said. “Congratulations!”
“Thanks,” I said. I gave her a serious look. “Things are going really well for me right now,” I told her, trying to impress upon her again that things were different now, that I wasn’t the same guy that I’d been in Kuwait. I wasn’t going to just disappear again; I wasn’t going to leave without saying goodbye.
If I could get her to believe it, maybe she would reconsider the romantic part of our relationship. I had to hope so. I already missed her, in some strange way, even though she was sitting right across from me at the picnic table.
We chatted idly for a little while longer. Eventually, Harper looked at her watch. “I’d better go pick up Ava,” she said. “I know Maisie had a couple errands she still wanted to run this afternoon.”
“No problem,” I said, getting to my feet and packing everything away into the picnic bag.
Harper came around the table and gave me a big hug. For a moment, I lingered there, feeling her curves pressed up against me. I wanted to kiss her, to prove to her that we were still good together. To try to remind her what she was giving up, by saying that we could no longer be romantically involved with each other.
But maybe that wasn’t the smartest idea. I forced myself to hold back.
“I’ll come by tomorrow so we can talk to Ava,” I promised.
“Good,” Harper said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
With a backward wave, she strode quickly away, turning the corner and disappearing. I collapsed down on the picnic bench, staring out over the park for a long moment. Things felt better and worse simultaneously.
One thing was for sure; I couldn’t let things end between Harper and me. I needed to keep trying with her. I couldn’t just let her go. But first, before I tried to take things any further, we would tell Ava the truth, that I was her father.
I was a little worried about how that would go. Was she old enough to really understand? Harper seemed to think so. And I supposed she understood what a mom was and what a grandma was. I wondered what she considered Maisie to be. And honorary aunt, maybe?
But would she really understand what it meant to call me “Dad”? Why did it matter so much to me that she did?
I didn’t know when I had crossed over from never wanting to have kids to wanting to know for sure that Ava understood exactly who I was in relation to her. Things had definitely changed since I had come to Boston. I just wished Harper would acknowledge that.
I understood exactly how much responsibility that word carried. How much weight was there. My relationship with my dad had set me off on the whole course of my life, into the armed forces and onto long tours overseas.
When I really thought about it, I would never have met Harper if it weren’t for my dad. I supposed that was one thing to thank the bastard for.
But I could also recognize that I wasn’t like him, in fundamental ways. I chose not to be that person. I had learned to work through my fears and my anger, to take deep breaths and find my balance. At this point, it was automatic to find some sense of rhythm with my feet or with my hands, anything that would help me push those thoughts back away. Anything that would calm me down.
I wasn’t like him. I didn’t need to be so nervous about meeting Ava “formally,” about being introduced to her as her father.
But all the same, I felt anxious. I decided to go for a run.
37