“Admitting that to you was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I wish I knew what you were really thinking.”
“Even I don’t know what I’m really thinking. It hasn’t sunken in. So, it’s hard to know how I feel about it. It’s upsetting, yeah. But I guess I’m trying to convince myself that what happened in the past is not happening now. I have to learn to move past it. At least, I want to be able to do that.”
He examined my eyes. “But you’re not sure if you can.”
“I didn’t say that, Landon.”
“Just promise me one thing.”
“What?”
“Promise me you won’t be with me if you decide you’re ashamed of me. I can’t live with that. I don’t want to pretend with you. I love how real you are, Rana. And if you can’t accept my past, I need you to be up front with me about it.”
I nodded. “I’m just still in shock.”
“I understand. It would be unfair of me to expect anything else right now.”
I didn’t know what else to say, but I knew nothing was going to get figured out today. My plane would be taking off soon, and that overwhelmed me with sadness. Every bone in my body felt it.
He could see that I was chilly, because I was rubbing my arms. Landon opened the zipper to his hoodie and enveloped me in it, wrapping the material around my back and pulling me into his chest. I could feel his heart beating against mine. Even under the scariest of circumstances, he still managed to make me feel safe in his arms.
I felt like a hypocrite for having any doubts about him. He’d been nothing but honest and up front about his past, which was more than I could say for myself. As ugly as it was, he’d unleashed his demons. Mine were still locked up inside of me. My choosing not to reciprocate his honesty right now was nothing short of pure cowardice. But shifting the focus to me would’ve been too much to handle while we were still dealing with this.
I couldn’t guarantee how I was going to feel once I returned to Michigan. I just knew what I wanted right now, and that was for him to keep holding me. I wanted to ingrain this moment into memory.
Landon ended up being the first to break our embrace.
He was about to light up another cigarette when I said, “I really wish you’d stop.”
He put the lighter down. The cigarette moved between his lips as he asked, “You really want me to stop smoking?”
“Yes. It’s so bad for you. I really think you should stop.”
He paused and took the cigarette from his mouth. He suddenly crushed it between his fingers before letting it fall to the ground. Then, he took the pack out of his pocket and tossed it over the balcony. “Done.”
“That’s it?”
“Yes. That’s it.”
“Can you do that…just stop cold turkey?”
“I’ve slept on the couch and kept my dick in my pants the entire time you’ve been here. And I just admitted my most painful secret to the person who matters most to me in this world. Pretty sure I can handle just about anything now.” He cracked a slight smile. “You asked me to do something for you. And it’s something I’ve wanted to do for myself anyway. But now that I know it really bothers you, that’s an even bigger incentive. There’s probably nothing I wouldn’t do for you at this point.”
I knew he meant that.
“Wow. Okay. Thanks.”
“Thank you.”
The mood continued to remain somber. Landon led me to the kitchen where he prepared us a breakfast of bagels and coffee that we took down to the beach. In that sense, my last morning here was a lot like my first, aside from the dark cloud hanging over us this time.The ride to LAX was quiet. Perhaps, we were mourning a certain innocence to our relationship that we would never get back.
Once at our destination, the sounds of the airport were all jumbled. Anxiety was starting to take its hold on me. Not only did I hate flying, but leaving Landon right now was definitely up there as one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
He walked me as far as he could before he was no longer allowed access.
I gently scratched at the scruff on his chin. “This trip was amazing.”
He took both of my hands in his and firmly gripped them. “Amazing isn’t strong enough of a word to describe the past week for me. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. No matter what happens, I will always be forever grateful that you hopped on that plane to see me. In the meantime, I’ll pray that I get to see you again soon.”
“Have I mentioned flying makes me nervous? This is only my second time ever.”