“Jess, how much do I owe.” I reach into my tote, but he holds up his hand.
“I covered the remainder. Just hang on to the rest.”
My chest tightens. I don’t want to owe him anything. “I should really pay—”
“Mel, I’m not letting you. I know I screwed up…so much. Shit, I can’t ever make it right. None of it.” I hear my own thoughts about my situation with Boone in Jesse’s words. Do all addicts think we have control over people or events? That we’re all powerful?
It’s just not true.
But it’s even harder to make yourself believe the truth.
Jesse rests his hands on the handlebars, leaning over them, closer to me. “I fucked up that night.”
I shake my head, but he presses on. “Yes, I did. I fucked up big time. I wanted to make you mine so badly…I just couldn’t hear no, Mel. I was and am a desperate man for you.” He swallows, the hard knot of his throat moving up as if it’s going to choke him. “It’s just a pathetic excuse, really. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’ll damn sure work my ass off to earn it if you just give me that chance.”
Holding his gaze, in this moment, I can look into our future. For a split second, the world stops on its axis, and the fates open a portal just for me. I see us on the road, some days happy, some days miserable. I see myself holding Jesse’s hand in the ER, each time worrying that this time he won’t pull through.
I glimpse further still, to us arguing over ridiculous issues, me accusing him of spending the baby formula money on a bag of blow. The MC always there to remind me to be there for my man, he needs my support. And me, the junkie mom, barely making it to teacher/parent meetings, my kid giving me the same looks I gave my mom…
And I’m tunneling.
Back to the here and now, with Jesse offering me something that, had it not been for the past couple months, I might have accepted. But things did happen. Dar did die. Jesse did violate me, someone who I thought I trusted more than almost anyone else in this world.
Nothing in my life is sure anymore.
What control I thought I had, to stop people from leaving me, abandoning me, by me quitting them first—it’s pure deception.
The only control I have is over myself. My choices.
With a rock in my stomach, I place my hand over one of Jesse’s. Stare at our connected fingers. “I forgive you, Jess, and I love you, but it can’t ever be that way between us. It will break us.”
Finally, I look up, and I see the resolve in his eyes. He understands. “I’ll still see you on the road.”
It’s a question. A biker’s way of stating that we’ll remain friends. And I can’t picture my existence completely void of him. “Of course. I have some things I have to do first, but I’ll be around. We still have to celebrate you getting your full patch.”
A bright smile lights his face. He turns to show me, for the millionth time, the MC patch that sports the Lone Breed’s rocker. And now, the prospect is gone. In so many ways.
The message to Tank worked. My vote of confidence in Jesse’s innocence, my backing him, absolving him of any responsibility, is what the MC wanted more than Jesse and me to become an item. That was Tank’s wishful thinking.
And in return for my testimony, Tank swore that no retaliation would be carried out on Boone for the attack on Jesse.
It wasn’t an easy deal. But in the end, Tank wanted his prospect fully initiated more than he wanted revenge.
For me, I got to right two wrongs. My conscience not completely clear, but less troubled.
“All right, Mel. I’ll hold you to that.” He tosses me the bike keys with a tight smile. “I’m heading to Hazard for my official welcoming ceremony. Then…I don’t know. Just shout when you want to get up.”
I nod. “I’ll be back there again soon. I still have some unfinished business to take care of.”
I allow him to embrace me, maybe for the last time. His arms circle my waist, and I wrap mine around his shoulders. It’s not goodbye—but a chapter out.
I watch him walk toward Tank as I squeeze the clutch and slam down the kick starter, cranking the engine of my new Breakout. Tank stares at me long and hard before a small smile hikes his face. I salute him as I drive away, one path already mapped out, destination known.
Boone
No sacrifice too deep
DAY THREE.