From the second she opened the door, I’ve been caught up in a whirlwind of spiralling emotion. Of fear. Of gut-clenching panic. Of tomorrow being the end. Because tomorrow she leaves, and this will be over.
The hedonistic fun. The lust.
Because it is just lust. Granted, it’s more powerful, more all-consuming, impossible to sate, but it’s just lust. No more.
And yet I feel as if I’m working too hard to convince myself of it.
‘It’s time...’ The wedding planner gives us a nod, refocusing my attention, and I look to Dani.
‘Well, here goes, sorellina...’ She gives me a small smile, her eyes so big in her face as she looks up at me, fearful, nervous. ‘You want to do this, si?’
She laughs softly. ‘Yes.’
‘Good, because you look terrified.’
She steps forward, taking me with her. ‘I’m many things right now, fratellone, but the one thing I know for sure is that I love Tyler and I want us to spend the rest of our lives together.’
She looks back at me as I struggle to keep in step.
‘Now you look terrified.’
I give an uneasy laugh; there’s too much racing through my brain. Too many questions. Too many ‘what ifs’. But I focus on her certainty, on what’s important in that moment. ‘It’s my honour to give you away to a man worthy of you, a man I love as a brother already.’
Now we fall into step together, the music wrapping around us, guiding the rhythm. I remember my toast at dinner the other night—that if life is kind it will be long and happy and worthy of such commitment.
Dani pauses beside me and I look at her. Her eyes are locked with Tyler’s, their depths glistening, her lips curving up.
‘Love is worth it, brother,’ she whispers, her eyes not once leaving her husband-to-be. ‘You just have to open up your heart and let it in.’
I look up the aisle to Tyler’s beaming expression and to Faye... Faye.
‘One day, I hope you’ll find someone worthy of it too.’
I’m barely aware of her words, of my legs moving now as we approach. I am lost in the sight of her standing there, waiting for us.
She is worthy, she is more than worthy... It’s me that’s the problem.
I feel her eyes on me during the ceremony, I feel them because my every sense is urging me to look back at her. To listen to the mayor as he talks of love, of marriage and of the sanctity of the vows. I listen to Dani and Tyler make their promises to one another...
I run a finger through the collar of my shirt and lower my hands in front of me, gripping them together. A gentle hand covers them, and I look down to find that it’s my mother offering me comfort. I lift my eyes to hers and she gives me a smile that swims with emotion. Then she looks back to Dani and Tyler and I do the same. I don’t pull away; instead, I turn my hand over and take hers in mine.
I wonder if she’s thinking as I am. Worrying for their future. Worrying about what life may throw at them down the road. Will they be as unlucky as her and Papà?
My thoughts return to Faye, to her encouragement where my mother is concerned, and how right she was. I look across the aisle and see her smile, her eyes looking at where our hands are entwined before returning to my face. I smile back at her. I have her to thank in some way for this and, when I can, I’ll tell her so.
And then I remember that I don’t have long, that the clock is ticking, that tomorrow she leaves and this, whatever this even is between us, will be over.
Emptiness consumes me. Suffocates me.
Is this how being without her will feel?
Is this what it’s like before love sets in? Or have I...?
No. Impossible.
My mother squeezes my fingers and I realise I’m gripping hers tightly. I soften my hold, shift in the seat and do my best to ease the tension that’s taken hold, but it’s no use. It’s buried so deep and it’s consuming me.
I need to get out of here, but I’m trapped.