'I don't like being called a fatso,' Lula said. 'I think you should apologize.'
'If the shoe fits,' Joyce said. 'Or in your case, if nothing but a tent fits…'
'I'm not that fat,' Lula said. 'I'm just a big woman. I'm Rubenesque. You wouldn't know that because you're ignorant. I know all about it because I took an art course at the community college last semester.'
'I know fat,' Joyce said. 'And you're fat.'
I didn't like Joyce frightening Melvin Pickle. And I didn't like Joyce calling Lula fat. And I really hated that Joyce was able to find stupid dead Willie Reese when I hadn't been able to find him.
'Hey Joyce,' I said.
Joyce turned to look at me, and I threw one of my meatballs at her. It hit her square in the forehead and
left a big splotch of marinara sauce.
'Bitch,' Joyce said, narrowing her eyes at me.
I narrowed my eyes back. 'Slut.'
'Skank'
'Hag.'
Joyce grabbed Lula's spaghetti and dumped it on my head. 'I am not a hag,' she said.
'That was my lunch!' Lula said to Joyce. And she dumped Connie's chocolate milkshake down Joyce's cleavage.
Joyce pulled a gun on Lula, and Lula pulled a gun on Joyce, and they stood there pointing guns at each other.
I'm going to fucking kill you,' Joyce said.
'Yeah, maybe, but I got a better gun than you,' Lula said.
'Your gun's a piece of shit compared to my gun,' Joyce said.
'I got a big whup-ass gun,' Lula said.
'Puleeze,' Joyce said. 'I've got dildos bigger than that gun.'
'Oh yeah? Well I bet Stephanie could out-dildo you any day of the week. She's got a Herbert Horsecock.'
'Are you shitting me?'
'No, honest to God. Tell her, Stephanie. You got a genuine Herbert Horsecock, right?'
'It was a two-for-one sale,' I said.
Melvin had managed to crawl under Connie's desk while all this was going on. I looked down and saw him reach out and tag Joyce in the leg with a stun gun. Joyce gave a squeak, went limp, and crumpled to the floor.
'I hope it was okay that I did that,' Melvin said. 'I was afraid she was going to shoot someone. I've never used one of those before. Will she be all right?'
'You did good,' Lula said. 'And don't worry about Joyce. We zap her all the time. When she opens her eyes we'll tell her she slipped in the marinara sauce and knocked herself out hitting her head on the desk.'
I had noodles in my hair and noodles hanging off my ears and noodles sliding down my face.
'You're a magnet for mess,' Lula said to me. 'I've never seen anything like it.'
I picked some noodles off my shirt and dropped them on Joyce. 'I have to go home to change. I'll be back later to go through my stack of losers.'