'God loves sinners and what better place to find them?'
'He's got a point,' I said to Connie.
Connie ripped his application off her clipboard.
Lula bustled in as the last guy was leaving. 'I can't believe how hard it is to find clothes when you're a rock star. It's not like us singers can wear just any old thing. And now Sally and me are getting famous for dressing together, and so I gotta find something that'll match up with a thong for him. I tell you, it's not easy.'
'Why can't you wear the white outfit again?' I asked her.
'It turns out all that shiny white isn't good for the old folks. They got macular shit and cataracts, and they were getting seizures from the light reflection off my ass.' Lula pulled a wad of pink feathers out of her shopping bag. 'I finally found this here flamingo feather dress. Only thing is, I couldn't find a flamingo feather thong, so I got a boa, and I figure we can sew some of it on a jock strap or something.'
'That's a lot of flamingo feathers,' Connie said. 'They aren't real, are they?'
'It says here they're genuine farm-raised dyed fowl. You want me to try it on?'
'No!' Connie and I said in unison.
Lula looked a little put off, so I told her it was just that we were starving, and maybe she'd show us after lunch.
'I'm hungry, too,' Lula said. 'I'm feeling like spaghetti and meatballs.'
'I could go for some spaghetti,' Connie said. 'I'll get Pino's to deliver.'
'I want a meatball sub,' I told her.
'And a side of potato salad,' Lula said. 'And a piece of their chocolate cake. Now that I'm doing all this entertaining I gotta keep my strength up.'
'Melvin?' Connie yelled out. 'We're ordering from Pino's. Do you want something?'
'No,' Melvin said from behind the first bank of file cabinets. 'I brought my lunch. I have to save my money in case I go to jail. I hear if you can't afford to buy cigarettes for everyone you have to be someone's bitch.'
'Is that why you didn't show up for your trial?' Lula asked. 'On account of you didn't want to be someone's bitch?'
'Yeah. I know I'm a pervert and all, but I'm not that kind of a pervert. I'm sort of a specialist. I'm like a do-it-yourself pervert.'
'I hear you,' Lula said. I've shopped in that aisle.'
Connie put the order in and shoved a stack of files to the middle of her desk. 'We have to pick one of these… for lack of a better word, people.'
'These people all gonna lower the quality of our work,' Lula said. 'And God knows it's already pretty low.'
'How are we doing?' I asked Connie. 'Are we catching up enough to do without a third person?'
'The problem is, you catch up but then we get a couple new FTAs in, and we're behind the curve again. I'm going to divide these files between us and everyone has to pick the best person in their stack. Then we'll choose one of those three people.'
We were still reading through the files when the Pino's guy arrived. We set the files aside, spread the food out on Connie's desk, and pulled up more of the funeral home folding chairs. I had my sub in my hand when Joyce Barnhardt stormed in and threw a file on the table, splattering Lula's spaghetti sauce.
'What the fuck's the matter with you?' Lula said. 'You got a problem?'
'Yeah, I got a problem, fatso. I don't like getting sent off on a goddamn wild goose chase with those LC files. I bet you all thought it was funny. See if Joyce can find Willie Reese, right?'
'What's wrong with finding Willie Reese?' Connie asked. 'Those were legitimate files I gave you.'
'He's friggin' dead. He's been friggin' dead for almost a year. What do you want me to do, dig him up and cart him in here?'
'No,' Connie said. 'I want you to bring me a copy of his death certificate, so we can close the case and get our money back.'
'Oh,' Joyce said. 'I didn't know I could do that.'