Caroline was seventy-two years old, according to her bond sheet. She had skin like an alligator and bleached blond hair that was teased into a rat's nest. If it was a wig, she got swindled no matter what she paid. She was wearing orthopedic shoes, fishnet stockings, a tight spandex miniskirt, and a skimpy tank top that showed a lot of wrinkled cleavage. I was guessing she smoked three packs a day and slept naked in a tanning bed.
I glanced at my watch.
'Okay, I can see you're all antsy to make this bust. How about we check out, and then we give her the bad news?'
'Deal.'
Lula took the dildo and the DVD to the register and handed Caroline her credit card.
'We're having a two-for-one sale on dildos,' Caroline said. 'Don't you want to pick out a second?'
'Hear that?' Lula said to me. 'Two-for-one sale. Go get yourself a dildo.'
'I don't actually need—'
'Two for one!' Lula said. 'Pick one, for crying out loud. How many times in life do you get offered a free dildo?'
I took the first one I saw and brought it to Lula.
'That's a beauty,' Caroline said. 'You have good taste. It's our precision replica of the famous adult movie star Herbert Horsecock. It weighs five pounds and it's solid rubber. It's one of our few uncircumsized dildos. It even comes in a special-edition red velvet drawstring carrying sack.'
Lula got her credit card back and took possession of the dildos. 'Okay,' she said to me. 'Do your thing.'
I gave Caroline my card and introduced myself and gave her the baloney about rebonding.
'Who's going to watch the store if I leave now?' she asked.
'Is there someone you can call to come in and babysit?'
'What, like my ninety-year-old mother?'
'You're not exactly doing a lot of business,' I told her.
'Sweetie, I just sold over a hundred dollars worth of shit.'
'You sold it to Lula!'
'Yeah,' Caroline said in her deep smoker's voice. 'Life is good.'
'It isn't that good,' I told her. 'You're going to have to come with me. Now.'
'Okay,' she said. 'Just let me get something.' And she dipped behind the counter.
'What are you getting?' I asked.
She reappeared with a sawed-off shotgun. 'This big gun,' she said. 'That's what I'm getting. Take your dildos and march your ass out of my store.'
Lula and I speed-walked out of the store and rammed ourselves into the Firebird.
'Look on the bright side,' Lula said. 'You got a free dildo. And you got a great movie. Happy birthday early.'
'I don't need a dildo.'
'Sure you do. You never know when it might come in handy. And this Herbert Horsecock dildo's got some heft to it. You could use it as a doorstop, or a paperweight, or you could decorate it with those little twinkle lights at Christmas.'
'I need an apprehension. Vinnie isn't the only one worried about money. I need rent money.' I shuffled through the files. 'I want to do phone work on some of these. Make some calls to verify employment. See if anyone's at the home address. Let's go back to the office.'
'Where am I supposed to park?' Lula wanted to know. 'There's not supposed to be people parked in this lot back here. This is a private lot for the bonds office. We should call the cops on these people.' She circled around the block and looked for a spot on the street. 'I swear I've never seen so many cars. They must be having a party at the beauty parlor.'