Shit.
“What is the deal with you?” I said to the guard. “Couldn't you see I was talking on the phone? This is so important it couldn't wait two seconds? Don't they teach you anything in rent-a-cop school?”
He had his gun out now. “Just move away from the chest.”
I knew Ranger was watching from somewhere, and he was probably having a hard time keeping from laughing.
I placed the chest on the bench and stepped away.
“Now reach out with your right hand and slide the top open so I can look inside,” the guard said.
I did as I was asked.
The guard leaned forward and looked in the chest. “What the hell is that?”
“It's a heart. Is there a problem with that? Is it illegal to take a heart to the mall?”
There were two guards there now. They exchanged glances. The rent-a-cop handbook didn't cover this.
“Sorry to have disturbed you.” the guard said. “It looked suspicious.”
“Moron,” I snapped.
Then I slid the top closed, took my cooler, and stormed back to Lula at the pizza stand.
“Uh-oh,” Lula said. “How come you still got that cooler? You're supposed to have Granny.”
“It got screwed up.”
Ranger was waiting by my bike. “If I ever need to be ransomed, do me a favor and decline the job,” he said. He reached under my shirt and turned the wire off. “Don't worry. He'll call back. How could he refuse a pig heart?” Ranger looked inside the chest and smiled. “It's really a pig heart.”
“It's supposed to be Louie D's heart,” I told Ranger. “DeChooch removed it by mistake. And then somehow DeChooch managed to lose the heart while en route back to Richmond.”
“And you were going to pawn a pig heart off on him,” Ranger said.
“It was short notice,” Lula said. “We tried to get a regular one, but they were special order.”
“Nice bike,” Ranger said to me. “Suits you.”
And then he was in his car and gone.
Lula fanned herself. “That man is so hot.”
I CALLED MY mother when I got back to my apartment. “About Grandma,” I said. “She's spending the night with her friend.”
“Why didn't she call me?”
“I guess she figured it was enough to talk to me.”
“That's very strange. Is this a man friend?”
“Yeah.”
I heard the sound of a dish breaking and then my mother hung up.
I had the cooler sitting on the kitchen counter. I looked inside and wasn't happy with what I saw. The ice was melting and the heart wasn't looking all that good. There was only one thing to do. Freeze the damn thing.
I very carefully scooped it up and plopped it into a sandwich bag. I gagged a couple times, but I didn't blow chow so I was pretty pleased. Then I put the heart into the freezer.