“I’m trying not to be a fool. I love him, but what happens in a week, a month, when he’s no longer overcome with guilt, or pity or whatever he’s feeling for me right now?”
“Jesus, Liz.”
“You know what my dad said to me in the last moments I spent with him at the hospital? He said, don’t settle, Liz. Don’t settle for less than you want…”
“And you think he meant Aidan?”
“Yes! He knew more than anyone how easily I could be tempted to stay with Aidan, even when I can’t be sure how he feels. What else could he have meant?”
“Your father didn’t want you to spend the rest of your life unhappy, trying to make the most of a career that has long ceased to inspire you, just because you’re too afraid to fight for the love you always wanted.” Her eyes soften. “Aidan is what you want. You love him. He loves you…”
“He doesn’t…I don’t…”
Natalia barks out a bitter laugh. “Liz,” she says with a pitying smile. “I thought it was obvious, even to you, that he never stopped loving you. Isn’t that the reason you came back and tried so hard to change his mind about you? He was angry, Liz. He has been angry for seven years.”
“But…”
“Death makes us question our convictions. At least, it’s made me question mine. For years, I focused on all the reasons I couldn’t be with your father the way I wanted, instead of all the great things about what we had. Now, it’s too late for us, but it’s not too late for you.”
“Nat…”
“Don’t walk away from him again.”
I pull in a breath. I wish it was that easy. He expects me to leave, and he hasn’t asked me to stay. Natalia has tears in her eyes, and I don’t want to distress her any further with this subject.
“You sure you’re not mad about the play?”
“Oh, I am.” She smiles. “Very mad. Once again, you’re costing this company a chance at the best actress award.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I understand. The first time, you were rash and immature. This time, you lost your father.” She sighs. “It’s not all sentiment for me, however. I love you, but our lawyers have made sure it’ll cost you a lot of money to leave. Money that will compensate McKay Theater Productions for ticket refunds and that award.” She pauses. “Your manager is the one who’ll be furious with you.”
“He’s half furious and half hopeful I’ll do the movie with Devlin Coates.”
She shrugs. “He’s a good manager.” After a pause, she gives me an encouraging smile. “I wish you the best, Liz. No matter what you do.”
“Thanks.”
“We’re arranging a press conference with your people to clear all the crazy rumors flying around.”
“Yes, I know.”
After she leaves, I close my eyes, and my mind drifts to Aidan.
Aidan is what you want.
My heart longs for him with a raw aching hunger. I’ve wanted him for so long, ached for him for so long…that I believed I’d be willing to take almost anything he offered.
Even if he was offering nothing at all.
But I can’t. I can’t choose the uncertainty of not knowing when his resentment and anger would rise to the surface again. I’m not strong enough to bear his inevitable rejection when the sex and pity is no longer enough.
An announcement comes over the loudspeakers and I undress. It’s time to let go of my thoughts, my hopes, myself, and to prepare for that one last performance, my last curtain, which sadly, feels like it’s also a curtain closing on my life.
“We’re sad to announce and confirm that this will be the last curtain call for Liz McKay on the Break of Day.”
I bow again and the audience applauds and makes sounds of regret. The orchestra plays loudly from the pit. The applause grows to a crescendo. Beside me my co-stars clap as I walk downstage and bow again to the audience.