I didn’t mean to sound rude, but I was sure that was how it sounded. Everything that I said seemed to sound rude in recent days. It was either the tone of my voice or the way I didn’t make eye contact with them, but I was aware of it and couldn’t change it. Well, I couldn’t change it just yet. I did have a feeling that I would be able to manage my tone better as soon as I got a grip on the rest of my conversations.
“Chase and I have missed you so much, Ana. I’m glad you are doing well,” Jordan said sweetly.
“So, when can I leave, Mike?” I asked sternly as I looked toward him.
“In a couple weeks.”
“Do you want to stay with Nate instead of us? He’s got a nice quiet cabin in the woods and it will be much calmer than our house which is still being remodeled,” Chase asked.
In my heart I knew he was just trying to be kind and offer me some quiet, probably because he saw me trembling so much. But unfortunately, I didn’t have control over my thoughts much at that point in my life. A feeling of rejection swept over me. As if they didn’t want me there; maybe Chase was put out by the idea I was going to come live with him.
But instead of acting like an adult, I felt a childish tantrum as it was coming on. I knew whatever was going to come out of my mind wasn’t going to be what I wanted it to be. Yet, I didn’t stop myself. I didn’t even try to curtail my thoughts or words that followed.
“I get it: you guys don’t want a crazy woman coming around your house when you’re getting ready to have a baby,” I yelled as I stood up and pushed my chair to the ground.
The anger that came out of me surprised Jordan, and she instantly burst into tears. I’d like to say the anger surprised me, but it hadn’t. I had felt that anger since I arrived at the facility. I wasn’t proud of my outburst, but I surely wasn’t going to apologize for it. I didn’t have that kind of insight just yet.
“Ana, sit down,” Mike said firmly to me. “Your friends are just trying to have a conversation with you.”
“Oh, shut up, Mike. They aren’t trying to have a conversation; if that was the case, Jordan would have come to visit alone. No! She brought Chase because they don’t want me there and instead want me to go to some stranger’s house in the woods so I don’t embarrass anyone!”
“No!” Jordan said firmly. “Nate was the one who pulled you out of Stephano’s. He has asked about you almost every single day. He offered for you to come out there to help in your recovery. He knows trauma and he can help. But you refuse to talk to him or allow him to visit!”
Jordan was angry and I really couldn’t remember ever seeing her angry before. I grabbed my chair and sat down as I looked at her. She was so beautify pregnant and I was really happy for her. She had a man who loved her and took care of her. She had the life she had always dreamed of, and I was ruining it by not being able to get over my own issues. I didn’t want to mess up the happy time she was going to have with her new baby all because of my messed up life.
Jordon was sobbing as she looked from Chase to me. The feeling of guilt that started to build because of my outburst was impossible to ignore. I couldn’t be a burden on Jordon when she was getting ready to be a mother. I just
couldn’t do that to her. I wasn’t in control of myself and I didn’t like being like that around my best friend.
“I’ll go to the woods,” I said quietly as I looked at Jordan.
Her tears were heartbreaking to me. But I couldn’t deal with them at the moment. I couldn’t feel anything, yet I felt everything in an overwhelming flash, and I certainly wasn’t going to start crying again; I had spent way too much time crying since getting into counseling.
Every day I had at least one point when I ended up crying. It was like emotional exhaustion all the time for me. I couldn’t even imagine a day when I wouldn’t cry at least once in the day.
“I’ll come visit you and you can come to the house anytime. It really is going to be better for you there. It’s quiet and peaceful and you will get better,” Jordan said through her tears.
“Okay,” I said as I got up and started to leave the room. “Have him come get me next Friday. Does that work, Mike?” I asked.
“Yes, that should be fine.”
“Thanks for coming,” I said as I walked out of the room and didn’t give them to opportunity to talk any more.
I didn’t look back and kept walking as far away from the building as I could. I knew Mike would continue to talk with them, probably tell them all the troubles I had been having and how it was so nice for them to come and visit me. But I just couldn’t stay in that room and talk to them any longer.
Inside, I felt like there was a time bomb that was always ticking away and getting ready to explode. I didn’t have a sense of calmness any longer, and I certainly couldn’t have a sense of peace at all. I had wanted to go back with Jordan, because I know her. She really was the only person in America who I really knew. I didn’t know Nathan Foster any more than I knew Chase. Although, I did have one very clear memory of Nate.
Sometimes, in the middle of one of my nightmares, Nate would scoop me up and carry me out of the horror. His arms were strong and safe. I instantly felt comfort from my nightmares when he would show up. But I didn’t actually remember much else about Chase’s brother: only the feeling of his arms around me as he had carried me out of Stephano’s house when they rescued us.
In truth, I knew nothing of the man except what he looked like. Nate was tall, probably well over six feet, and he had blond, messy hair. His arms were large and I remember him looking like a soldier as he carried me to safety. But the thing I remember most was his blue eyes as he looked into mine, and I knew I was protected. The kindness that was in his eyes was something I would never ever forget.
I hid away in the garden area as I watched for Jordan and Chase to finally leave. I was ashamed for making them come all the way out to my treatment facility and then not wanting to talk to them. But I just couldn’t stand to deal with reality for another minute. Instead, I wanted to slink away into the Georgia woods and just forget about life all together. I didn’t know if Nate was going to let me do that, but I hoped he would just leave me alone and let me deal with the demons in my head for a little bit.
Sandy Meadows was a brilliant treatment facility, and I really did think my counselors were highly skilled; but I couldn’t wait to find myself again. I was scared to death to leave, yet also wanted to be whole again. It was a constant, internal battle which I was convinced I would never win.
“It’s safe now. You can come out of hiding,” Mike hollered from his office window.
“I’m not hiding!”