“Are you ready for today?”
“I think so,” I said, not believing a word I was saying.
“Ana, this is your opportunity to tell your best friend and others how grateful you are for them rescuing you. You have talked about the fear that you were going to die; now it is time to let it go,” my counselor at Sandy Meadows, Mike, said.
He was right: I had been having nightmares since the moment I arrived. Each one almost identical, where I end up dying in the basement of Stephano Copal’s home. My time there was a bit of a blur because of all the drugs he was shoving into my system, but I could still feel the deep fear that had run through my body. Now, even though I knew I was free and safe, I sometimes was overcome with that same fear.
My counselor had told me over and over again that someday I wouldn’t fear Stephano at all. He said that I would be strong again and would look at the world in a different way, without fear clouding my view. But I really couldn’t see that in my future at all. I couldn’t imagine a day when I wasn’t afraid of absolutely everything around me. It was weird though, because I had lived my entire life without fear, up until the moment that I laid eyes on Stephano.
If it hadn’t been for Jordan and her husband Chase, I certainly wouldn’t have made it out of that situation alive. I wanted to thank them both for everything they did for me, but every time I practiced saying the words, I felt my body start to shake with the memories. In fact, I had asked them not to come visit me at all over the previous six months because the fear was so much that I couldn’t stand the thought of having to deal with it. They didn’t listen to me and had tried to visit several times, all of them going horribly wrong. But as my discharge date approached, Mike knew that I was going to have to deal with these emotions and had forced me to set up a visit.
“My hands are shaking. I still remember that fear so vividly,” I said as the tears started down my face. “I feel afraid right now. It’s ridiculous, I know.”
“Let’s talk about that fear. Is there anything in this room that will hurt you?”
I looked around the room. I knew what he was getting at. Logically, my brain knew that I was safe in that meeting room, but my body kept slipping back to the horrible experiences I had endured at Stephano’s house. Just the thought of having to talk about the events with Jordan and Chase had my heart racing and my body shaking.
“I know what you mean; I know there is nothing here.”
“Then just let the anxiety come. Let your body shake. Let your body sweat. Give your b
ody the chance to work through its feelings. If you know you are safe, then there is no harm in letting your body experience the anxiety. I’m going to go out and get Jordan and Chase. You take a few deep breaths.”
“So, I’m not supposed to trust my body right now?”
“No, you’re body is confusing normal events with fearful ones. Trust me, or trust someone else around you when you’re unsure if something is a danger. But more than likely, you are safe and your brain is making you feel fear. It will be like this for a while. Trust the people around you.”
I felt like I was going to pass out as I sat at the table waiting for them to come in. Slowly, I took in a few deep breaths and tried to get my body to relax, but there was no hope. Everything I did just seemed to make my anxiety worse.
Over the previous months, I had struggled much more than I thought I was going to struggle. It was beyond frustrating to feel so out of control over my own body. I had never experienced something like it before. The physical withdrawals were hard, but the mental process of getting over the fear was much harder for me.
I had been in control my entire life; I was an alpha female who always went after what I wanted. I hadn’t really even known fear—well, not a fear like the one I knew now. To me, life was about facing fear and overcoming it. Sure, I was afraid to come over to the States and meet this guy I had only known briefly online, most of our interactions making place via webcam. But I pushed against that fear and came anyways. Now all the thoughts I had to push against led me to more fear; I just couldn’t seem to break through and get back to the person I knew I was deep down.
Instead, I sat in that chair shaking as I waited for Jordan and Chase to come and visit with me. I couldn’t tell why my body was reacting so fearfully, but I couldn’t stop it either. I was embarrassed that I couldn’t keep myself together even for a visit with one of my best friends. I was ashamed that I had fallen for Stephano’s tricks; I was disgusted that I had let myself get into that situation. It was even worse that I had needed to spend the last six months in a treatment facility because I wasn’t strong enough to get over everything on my own. I felt broken and I didn’t want my friend to have to see me that way.
“Ana!” Jordan said as she flung her arms around me and hugged me so tight I could hardly breathe.
Her arms felt like home to me, and I was instantly much calmer, although my body continued to shake. I was used to the shaking that my hands did, it was almost constant now that I had started to discuss leaving the treatment facility. On every other visit, I had cancelled or just not shown up to see Jordan and Chase. I knew she was worried sick about me.
Sometimes my brain knew my fear was ridiculous, yet I couldn’t stop my body from reacting. Other times, my brain didn’t know at all what was going on. It was a delicate balance and I couldn’t tell which times things were going well and which times they weren’t. I felt like that would be the key for me, when I was able to tell the good thoughts from the bad and squash the bad ones before they took over my whole thought process.
“Hi, Jordan. Hi, Chase,” I managed to say quietly as they both came in and sat down.
I really didn’t know Chase all that well, besides what Jordan had told me over her letters. She and Chase had fallen in love after she came to the United States. He was her Prince Charming and I was so happy for her. Jordan had done a much better job of picking a man than I had when we came over to the U.S.
“How are you feeling?” Chase asked as he reached for Jordan’s hand and held onto it.
The two of them exchanged a look of concern for me that made me instantly feel like shit. I could see the worry in their eyes. It was the same thing I felt when I looked at myself in the mirror. I wasn’t the person I wanted to be; instead, I was a weak and shaking girl who really just wanted to curl up in the corner somewhere and have everyone leave her alone.
“I’m great,” I said sarcastically.
I had just spent months in a counseling facility trying to regain my footing on life, but I was better that day than I was the day before. Sometimes when I would think about the future, I just kept imagining that if I got one step better each day, sooner or later, I would be totally better. Sooner or later, I would be back to myself again.
“Ana, would you like to talk with your friends outside instead of in here?” Mike asked.
He knew that the garden was a calming place for me—pretty much anything outside was better for me than sitting inside. I just hated to be locked away from the outside world. I liked the freedom of sitting and watching the nature around me. But I just wanted to get our visit over with. I knew Jordan and Chase wanted me to come home with them when I left treatment and I just needed to get the conversation over with so we could make the arrangements for my discharge.
“I’m fine here.”