“Either I look really silly in this suit, or someone was getting a little liquid courage before I got here.”
“Is it that obvious?” I asked.
“Do I make you that nervous?”
“I wasn’t nervous,” I said totally unconvincingly. “Okay, yes, you mak
e me nervous. Like sweating to death nervous, and I had a drink. Now can we stop talking about it because you’re making me even more nervous.”
“That dress is one hell of a dress,” Brandon said as he obliged me and changed the subject. “We better get going; the traffic is going to be difficult tonight.”
He gallantly held his arm out for me to grab onto and we walked out to a black hired car. The driver was waiting by the door and smiled at us as I climbed in followed by Brandon. I’d never been on a date that started with a chauffeur before, but then again, I’d never dated a man who owned an island, either. I was doing a lot of new and different things with this guy by my side.
Brandon was something else than I had imagined for myself. His softness was hidden under the confidence that he displayed outwardly for all to see. Yet I saw his softness before I had noticed his rugged, manly side. Even my first glance at his profile made me think he was a gentle soul.
“It’s been a long time since I’ve gone to the theater,” I softly spoke as the car pulled away from my house. “Probably since Spencer and I were dating. Gosh, I’m sorry I keep talking about him. That’s not fair; I’ll try to do better.”
Spencer had been my whole life. I knew I had the horrible habit of talking about him when I was on a date; even when I was being hit on by men in the bars, I always ended up referencing my late husband. It wasn’t like I was comparing others to him, and I didn’t do it for sympathy. I genuinely just thought of Spencer when I remembered some of my favorite times from my past.
“You can talk about him whenever you want. I know we are just getting to know each other, and I’m really glad you feel comfortable enough to talk freely about your life,” he said. “Maybe someday I’ll feel as strong as you and talk about Noah.”
My heart dropped out of my chest, onto the ground, and felt like it was run over by our car as I thought of Brandon’s son. It was his reality, and never would I want him or anyone else I was friends with to stop talking about a loss they had, but it took the wind out of my sails to think of those emotions, even for one second.
I sweetly grabbed his hand and held it while we continued our ride to the theater. I didn’t dare try to talk because I felt the tears welling up and my ability to hold them back was only there because I wasn’t trying to make words. My son was my world now, and it was just impossible for me to think of how broken of a person I would be if anything ever happened to him.
Silence was a difficult thing for me most of the time – that was probably why Mattie and I got along so well. She always was filling the silent moments with lots of funny remarks. When I withdrew and got sad, she was right there with a cute story or a funny joke; it was my safety net against the dangerous quiet that often brought sadness.
But as I sat with Brandon, I was strangely unafraid of the silence that filled the space between us. It didn’t feel awkward or scary; instead, I was comforted by how my hand in his was able to calm my emotions.
The only other human on earth who had the ability to calm me so quickly was Connor. When he was near and his sweet eyes looked at me, I knew that everything was going to be better than my imagination was allowing it to be. Connor’s optimism was refreshing and his view on life made it difficult for me to wallow in self-pity.
That was the innocence of a child, though; they hadn’t been corrupted by doubt and hurt yet. Even though Connor had lost his father, he was much too young to know what life was like in any other circumstances than the one he lived in. To him, it was normal for families to watch old videos of their dead loved one, it was normal for his mother to be found crying while reading an old letter, and it was perfectly normal to spend his Sunday mornings visiting a gravestone to tell his father about his week at school.
I was lost in my thoughts as Brandon leaned in and kissed me on the cheek to pull me back to the current moment. He didn’t say a word, just a simple and gentle kiss was all I needed and I was there with him again.
“I’m excited to see this show. I don’t get to come to the theater as much as I’d like because most of my friends don’t have time.”
“Mattie doesn’t have time?” he asked.
“Okay, she has time, she just hates the theater, opera, and anything else that requires her to pay attention for long periods of time.”
“Well, I’ll take you to the theater anytime you’d like.”
We were dressed up and seeing a full-length play downtown; I felt like an adult. It’s weird to think that most of my life I still felt like a child, but it was often true. I called my parents with questions about dinner, I talked with Spencer’s mother when I had child-rearing questions…in general, I often felt like I was a teenager pretending to be an adult. But in that moment, as I slipped my arm into Brandon’s and we walked swiftly into the theater, my posture straightened and I let the adulthood wash over me.
The theater was a magical experience for me, just like going to the movies. The way artists could bring you into their world and make you feel like you were there – I admired that so much.
I knew I could have had a wonderful career as an artist if I would have continued on with my passion. There’s no way of knowing if I would have been any good at it or if I would have made money selling my artwork, but I know I could have been happy. Art had always made me calm and content. So, if I couldn’t spend my time producing beautiful art, I wanted to spend as much of my free time around it as possible.
Art was more than just paintings to me. I saw it in so many different forms. Artists were musicians, painters, writers, actors, and even inventors. It was odd that so much of my life had ended up surrounded by non-artistic people since I loved the art world so much. Unfortunately, I also loved being able to pay my bills, and that meant I was often surrounded by business professionals and people like me who had channeled their creativity into more lucrative and less risky jobs.
“This is so good,” I whispered at intermission when Brandon and I got up to walk around.
“You seem to be enjoying it very much,” he smiled and pulled me close to him. “I love how intently you watch the characters.”
“Are you enjoying it? I’m sorry if I’m ignoring you.”
“Oh, I love the theater, but I already saw this play when it premiered a couple of weeks ago.”