“Hey, you here somewhere?” Jake called.
I took a deep breath and prepared for a long night.
“Yep, I was just looking around. You ready?”
Jake nodded. “Are you?”
Shrugging, I said, “I don’t know, but if we stand here talking about it, I may lose my nerve.”
“Here,” he said, handing me a cold beer. “Let’s get started.”
“I’ve got boxes in the garage,” I said, heading that direction.
“You do?” my brother asked. “I brought some as well.”
I nodded. “I’ve been collecting boxes with the intention of one day packing the stuff up. It never seemed right before. It does now.”
Jake nodded. “I’m glad, brother. Really, I am. I think this is a big step and am happy to share it with you. Let’s start in your room first,” he said, carrying a couple of boxes down the hall.
Nodding, it occurred to me how sharp my brother was. It would be far easier to remove Miriam’s things than Ally’s, which he apparently had thought of.
“I’ll start in the closet,” he said. “I think I can handle figuring out which clothes are yours.”
I nodded and began collecting various knick-knacks, old bottles of perfume, and so on. It felt strange—touching her things. When she was alive, they were kind of off-limits, and since her death, I had left them as they were. I always felt like I was violating her privacy if I touched or moved anything that belonged to her.
“I should probably throw away all her makeup and stuff, right?” I asked, suddenly realizing that wasn’t something women would probably want.
Jake shrugged. “Yeah, may as well. I’m sure it’s no good anymore after all this time. I guess, dude, I don’t know. Why are you asking me?” he laughed. “You’re the one who was married.”
Shrugging, I shook my head. I didn’t know. I’d never paid much attention to a lot of the things Miriam did.
“I think that’s all in here,” I said, looking around the room and immediately feeling the absence. It wasn’t even the fact I could actually see the missing clothes in the closets or the empty dresser, but I knew it.
“You okay?” Jake asked.
I nodded. “Yeah. It feels weird, but, I don’t know, I kind of like I feel—lighter. Does that make sense?”
He smiled. “I think it makes a lot of sense. You’ve been carrying around a lot of baggage for a long time. Like actual baggage. This stuff is going to make some donation center very happy. Have you thought about where you want it to go?”
“Yeah, there’s a shelter for women and children who are domestic abuse victims. I want it all to go there. I don’t want anybody jacking up the prices to make someone else a profit. I want it to go to those who really need it,” I said, imagining little girls Ally’s age getting to wear her dresses and play with her dolls. It was the only way I could envision anything positive come out of the tragic accident.
“You ready to start in Ally’s room?” he asked, in a low voice.
I took a deep breath. “I’m going to need another beer for that.”
Jake nodded, and we headed to the kitchen to fortify my nerves. This was a job I had been putting off for too long. Putting away Miriam’s things hadn’t been so bad, but I knew that boxing up Ally’s toys, clothes, and bedding would be a different story.
“We can stop if you want, and do it another night if you want to,” Jake started.
“No. I need to do it now while I have the courage. If I don’t, it could be another four years.”
“Okay, let’s do it,” he said, grabbing a couple more boxes and heading back down the hall.
This room was easier in some ways because everything would go, but harder for the exact same reason. I picked up Ally’s stuffed dinosaur. It had been her favorite toy.
“Keep that one,” Jake said, coming to stand beside me. “There’s no need to get rid of every last bit.”
“I will; you’re right,” I said, placing the dinosaur on the dresser with the pictures I was keeping.