A car pulled up to the curb; I checked my phone. “That’s ours. I’ll see you tomorrow. Maria! Car’s here!”
She emerged from the shadows and climbed in the car.
The moment the car pulled away from the curb, I turned to her. “What the hell were you thinking?” I screeched.
She giggled. “Don’t be mad. He’s a good guy. You’re a fun
girl. You both had a good time. Don’t even try to deny it.”
I glared at her. “That’s not the point. You know we can’t date or anything like that. Maria, we both have a lot at stake here. You know that.”
She shrugged. “I do, but I also know both of you need to have some joy in your life. You two seem to bring each other joy. I think that’s what is important.”
I sat back in the seat, mulling over her words. It was important, but my future depended on me graduating. I couldn’t risk losing everything for a little ‘joy,’ as Maria called it. Maybe after I graduated, Ian and I could find joy, but until then, we had to keep our distance. Maria and Jake would just have to accept that. If only Ian and I could. I knew he was still struggling to keep his distance.
Chapter Twenty-One
Ian
No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop myself from watching her. She was wearing a pair of shorts that revealed more skin than I had ever seen on her. It created this desire in the pit of my stomach, making it nearly impossible for me to think straight. I watched as she bent over, filling a vial with water from the marsh.
My mind instantly went to a place it had no business being. Her bent position caused her tiny shorts to ride up to the point that I think I could see a glimpse of her ass. My God. I want to be there, behind her, pushing into her with my hands squeezing that pert, fine ass. I know it is absolutely sinful for me to be looking at her and thinking such thoughts, but she has a way of stirring up that basic male instinct in me.
I shifted my position, and my pants had suddenly grown tight. She stood up and was laughing at something another one of the students said. I looked to my right, and I was pissed to see that I was not the only male suffering the effects of Tessa’s backside waving in the air. Jeff and one of his buddies were standing there staring. I could only imagine what they were saying. It was then I realized I’d been down that road as well and was no better than these randy young men.
She looked at me and waved me over. I took a few deep breaths in order to calm the arousal I’d been fighting since I first laid eyes on her.
“What’s up,” I asked, in my most nonchalant voice. Being close to her is difficult. I had to fight the urge to grab her and run my hands all over her body.
She smiled. “We have ten samples. Is that enough?”
I stared at her blankly; my mind turned to mush.
“What?”
“You said you wanted us to get a variety of water samples. We have ten from all over the marsh. They’re all labeled. Do you want more or is this enough?”
“That’s fine. We need to be getting back,” I said, a little more abruptly than I should have.
Her question had only fired me up more. Hell yeah, I wanted more. I wanted it all.
“Let’s go, guys.” She turned and shouted, so the students who had scattered about the marsh heard her.
We began the walk back as a large group, but eventually, the students pulled ahead, leaving Tessa and I walking behind, chatting about the marsh and the health of the various plants that called the marsh home. As we walked on the narrow trail up to the campus, our hands kept brushing. Each time her skin connected with mine, that little fire in my belly was fed, and it was difficult to keep it in check. Each time her hand grazed mine, I wanted to grab it. I wanted to hold it in my own, simply to have that connection with her.
I can’t do it. I know better. But the pull is incredible. I have been wrestling with my attraction to her and every time I tell myself it’s never going to happen; I crave her all the more. Unfortunately, this forbidden love seems to be a disease for which there is no cure.
I managed to get through the rest of my classes without doing anything that would land me in the dean’s office. Small miracle. Once I got home, I plopped down on the couch and looked around. It is the same stuff in the same place it has been for nearly seven years. I knew people usually rearrange the furniture, update their décor and so on, but that had never been something I wanted to do. I preferred to keep it all as it was when Ally and Miriam lived here.
Now I had come to believe it was an unhealthy shrine. I had lived in my self-made hell long enough. I jumped off the couch, nearly throwing Dexter across the room, and dug my phone out of my briefcase.
“Jake, it’s time. I need to clean this place out,” I said, in an urgent voice.
To his credit, Jake didn’t ask questions, saying, “I’ll be there in an hour. With beer. And pizza.”
I walked to my room, stopping to look in Ally’s room and take in the sight before quickly changing into jeans and a t-shirt. I steeled myself for what was coming. It had been years in the making, but I only now managed to gather the strength to move Miriam out of my home. Ally’s room had been in the exact same condition since that horrible day. I had dusted but left her toys exactly as they were. Jake had told me repeatedly it wasn’t healthy, but I couldn’t imagine living in the house alone. Instead, I lived with ghosts. Ghosts that were keeping me mired in guilt, and preventing me from enjoying the life I did have.
I’d been telling myself it was out of respect for them, but now I knew it was my own cowardice.