“Well, that is what happened, I won’t lie to you,” I said with a sigh. “Adults’ emotions can be tricky sometimes, and we hurt each other, even when we don’t mean to.”
“For a while there, about a month ago, you were really happy,” she said. “You were smiling, joking with me, and acting like you again. I really liked to see you that way, and it really helped me get to where I was feeling better, too. I thought that if you could get over that hurt in your heart, then I could, too. So, I made up my mind that I was going to, and magically, when I woke up the next day, I felt better.”
“Aww, sweetie, I’m so glad,” I said, kissing her forehead.
“But when I told you to stop seeing Alissa, you got sad again, and I don’t want that,” she said with a slight sniffle. “I realized that Alissa was the person that made you happy again, like you made me happy again. Daddy, I’m really sorry for making you get rid of her. I didn’t mean to make you sad again.”
“Sweetie,” I said, pulling her close. “You didn’t make me do anything. I wanted to make sure that you were able to get through this at your own pace, and not be pushed into anything. It is true. Alissa brought me out of my sad place and made the world pretty again for me, but you had a lot to do with that, too. Your smile made me smile, so in a way, we helped each other.”
“I want you to start dating Alissa again,” she said with a sigh. “She is super nice, and pretty, and she always has the nicest things to say to me. I wasn’t always the nicest to her, and I want to be able to apologize to her. I know that she really liked me. Maybe she could start babysitting me again so that she can come around again.”
I squeezed Kayla very tightly, taken aback by how wise she really was. I was shocked that she was able to bring herself to that conclusion, and I realized that she was way more perceptive than I was giving her credit for. She may not fully understand everything, but she understood love and happiness, and she wanted me to have those things, even if it wasn’t with her mother. It was a very big step for her, and I was very surprised at how quickly she had come to that conclusion.
The thought of having Alissa back in our lives made me instantly 10 times as happy as I ever thought I would be before. She was a very important part of my life, and now that Kayla was seeing things clearer, I knew that she would be a very important part of her life as well. The only thing that left a lump in my throat was the fact that I hadn’t spoken to Alissa since I broke things off, and I had no idea if she even still had feelings for me anymore. I couldn’t blame her at all if she had run for the hills and written me out of her life for good.
“I love that,” I said kindly. “It just might be a little more difficult than that, though.”
“I don’t understand,” she said. “She looked so happy with you, too. Why would she not want to come back and be with you?”
“Like I said before, adults’ emotions can be very complicated,” I said, trying to explain. “I think that when I broke up with Alissa, I might have hurt her feelings.”
“So, take her a ham and cheese sandwich, and tell her how sorry you are,” she said with a serious face.
I tried to stifle my laughter, but I just couldn’t. Kayla was so sweet and innocent. Wouldn’t it be amazing if all the problems in life could be fixed by a simple ham and cheese sandwich and a heartfelt apology? We would probably have a ham and cheese shortage in this country, since as adults, we seemed to do things to each other on a regular basis that warranted that kind of action.
“Will you at least try?” she asked.
“Of course, I will,” I said, smiling. “I promise I will do everything I can to get her back.”
This time, that was not an empty promise. I would just have to figure out how to find the courage to do so.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Alissa
My palms were sweaty, my head was swimming, and I hadn’t been this nervous since my debut in the school play in the third grade. I woke up with the feeling that I just had to talk to Ryan. I had to go to him and tell him exactly how I felt. I didn’t know, after weeks of moping, where the gumption came from, but I had a dream about Kayla and me at a baseball game, and I just knew that it was the right thing to do. I drove down the street and turned into the large complex on the right. As I slowly passed the doors, I finally found Ryan’s company logo on the door, and I stopped the car. The next move would be to get out. I kept telling myself that, but it seemed that my legs were not connecting with my brain at the moment.
I pulled down the visor and looked in the mirror, realizing that sweat was beading up on my forehead, clumping the makeup that I had meticulously applied that morning. I shook my head and pulled out my compact, pausing as I stared into my own eyes in the mirror. I started to second-guess myself, but I was already there, sitting in my car on the curb by his office. I looked over at the door, having never actually been to his office before. In fact, I had no idea if he would even be in there since he worked out in the field so often, but I didn’t know where else to go at that point.
My sister’s words were flowing through my head, reminding me that it was okay to be a little selfish every once in a while, and that if I felt this way about Ryan weeks later, I needed to fight for him. I decided before I even got out of bed that I wasn’t going to give up, even though I understood how he felt about Kayla. It was worth it to me. He and Kayla were worth it to me to stand up for what I really thought was right. I wanted to be in their lives, and I wanted to have Ryan by my side, even if it meant Kayla being angry for a while.
I sighed and loo
ked back in the mirror, wiping the eyeliner from under my eyes and putting powder on my face. I was fighting with myself internally, trying to decide whether I was actually going to even go into the office or not. I kept asking myself what the point was if he wasn’t even there. If I gathered the courage to go inside and he was out in the field, I was afraid that I would never build that courage back up again, and it would be lost, destined to float around the empty parking lot. I stared at myself hard in the mirror, clenching my jaw and telling myself to get it together and stop being a wimp. I was literally sitting in the parking lot, giving myself a pep talk to walk into a building and talk to the man I loved. I was pretty sure I was starting to lose my mind. I closed my eyes for a moment and then jumped, screaming slightly at the sound of a loud bang on the passenger side window. I looked over to see Ryan standing there, looking at me with confusion. I fumbled with the locks and watched as he opened the door and climbed into the passenger seat.
He climbed in and looked out the front of the car, to the side at his door, and then back at me. I could tell he was really confused as to why I was sitting in front of his office, talking to myself, and I could feel my cheeks immediately begin to blush. My mind was running a million miles a minute, and all I wanted to do was push him out of the car and make a run for it, leaving everything behind me and crawling back into my house. That wasn’t possible, though, and I knew that I was going to have to go through with it. I no longer had a choice, and there was no good excuse as to why I would be in an industrial park in front of his office. He turned and lifted his eyebrows, smiling his charming smile at me as I melted into the driver seat.
“It’s good to see you,” he said happily. “But, uh, what are you doing here, and why are you just sitting outside of the office?”
Oh God, get it together, Alissa. Open your mouth and just say it.
“I, um, well, I was talking to my sister over dinner,” I said nervously. “Did you know she was pregnant? No, you probably didn’t know that. Anyway, she told me that it was okay to be selfish sometimes, and she told me I needed to fight you. Well, not fight you, like, pow, but like fight for you. She said that selfish people were the happy ones. No, that’s not what she said. That doesn’t make any sense at all, does it?”
He stared at me, blinking his eyes, completely confused by what I was trying to say. Hell, I was completely confused by what I was trying to say. I took in a deep breath and continued, even though my mind was screaming at me to shut the hell up.
“I woke up today after being at a ball game with Kayla,” I said, shaking my head and wringing my hands. “I mean, I had a dream about being at a ball game with Kayla, and it made me start thinking about how miserable I have been since we broke up. Not because I can’t go to a baseball game… Shit, I am completely screwing this up.”
“It’s okay,” he said, laughing. “Take a deep breath. How about you let me talk for a minute, and you listen. Okay?”