“I was going to,” she said with a pitiful look. “But then you got here, and you looked tired and sad, and I knew how upset you were about Kayla and Ryan. I didn’t want to interrupt your amazing pouting session with something I could easily tell you later on.”
“Are you kidding me? That is like, the most important news of my life.” I laughed. “I am going to be an aunt, and oh my God, you are going to be a mommy.”
“I know,” she said, smiling. “It is so crazy. He didn’t want me to tell anyone until the doctor gave the okay, just in case something happened, but I couldn’t keep that a secret from you.”
“I feel terrible that I let my weepiness hold you back from such amazing news,” I said, rubbing my cheeks. “Congratulations. That is so amazing, and look at that. My heart is beating again. It’s a miracle baby.”
“See, you just needed some light in your life,” she said, smiling as the food came.
She was right. I did need light in my life, and Ryan was exactly the way I wanted to receive it.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ryan
Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t even try to sleep through the tornado that was my daughter. I could hear her downstairs, clinking and clanging in the kitchen. I looked out the window, knowing that it was Father’s Day, and she was trying to do something nice for me. As much as I wanted to make sure she wasn’t making a four-course meal out of flour, I left her alone to do her thing so that we could have a nice morning together. She had been so pleasant lately, and it was really helping me get through these days without Alissa. She was still very heavy on my mind, even after weeks of being apart. Juan’s words were sticking with me, though, and I knew that he was right, even though I couldn’t bring myself to take his advice. I just wasn’t ready to send Kayla back to that dark place where she was before.
As I heard her stumbling through the house and up the stairs, I closed my eyes, wanting to pretend that I was asleep so that she wouldn’t feel like the surprise was ruined. I forced my smile to go away, listening to her struggle through the door carrying a tray, the silverware clanging around everywhere. I felt her set the tray down on the bed and take a deep breath before she walked over to me and kissed me lightly on the cheek. Slowly, I opened my eyes and looked at her.
“Good morning, princess,” I said, faking a yawn.
“Happy Father’s Day,” she exclaimed, grabbing the tray and waiting for me to sit up before setting it on my lap.
She was so cute with her attempt at a breakfast, not that a ham and cheese sandwich with no condiments and a juice box was really breakfast, but I wasn’t going to complain. I smiled up at her and picked up the handmade card that had hearts drawn all over it. I opened it to find that she had written Happy Dad’s Day really big across the middle, and drew a picture of me and her in a field of what I was assuming were roses, but looked more like tiny bleeding heads. I stifled a laugh and opened my arms, hugging her tightly.
“Thank you, baby,” I said.
“I just want you to know how much I love you,” she said with a smile.
“Do you want to split it with me?”
“No, I ate one already.” She laughed. “I thought since no one was here to make you breakfast this year, it was going to have to be my job.”
“And I love it,” I said, biting into the ham and cheese.
We chatted about the day and the weather for quite a while, while I finished my sandwich and drank the juice box in one long sip. Juan’s words were, for some reason, even louder in my head than any other time before. I knew that it was the right time to talk to her about her mother, and I started to steer the conversation in that direction. I didn’t want to hurt her in any way, but I wanted her to understand the truth of the matter, and for some reason, I felt like she was ready to hear it then.
“Sit down next to me,” I said, putting the tray to the side and watching as she crawled into the bed beside me. “I know things have been really tough for you for almost a year, but I want to tell you how proud I am of you that you have pulled yourself out of it. Look, things are more complicated between your mom and I than I can really explain to you. You are only 7, and you won’t fully understand until later. I know that your mother loves you very much. She always has. I can remember the tears she had the first time she held you in the hospital. Sometimes, though, people go through things in their life, and they need some space to figure it out, and I think that is what happened with your mom.”
“Do you think she’s had enough space?”
“That’s what I want to talk to you about,” I said. “I need you to understand that your mot
her and I, we got a divorce. No matter what happens between her and you, her and I will never get back together again. That ship sailed when she left, and there was nothing I could do to change that. I have moved on with my life, and that is important for grown-ups to do.”
I watched as Kayla worked those words over in her mind. I could see the pain in her eyes, but for the first time since Christina left, she nodded her head without a single tear forming. She was taking it relatively well, a lot better than I thought she would. I realized that she was starting to come around and starting to understand what it was going to mean to have a pair of divorced parents. Of course, this was not what was ideal in my mind, but Christina had made her choice, and I was over it. I didn’t want to be angry about it anymore. I knew how important it was to at least try to foster a relationship between Christina and Kayla, and I was going to make sure that it happened.
“How would you feel about spending more time with her?” I asked. “Maybe alternating weekends so you can stay focused in school but still see her a couple times a month. A lot of people do that in situations like ours.”
“I would like that,” she said with a smile that showed she was hopeful that she would see her mother soon.
I loved the fact that she was coming around and starting to understand that the dynamic of our household was different and it wasn’t going to go back to what it was, but her hopefulness scared me. She may be understanding now, but it would gravely affect her if we set up joint custody, and her mother bailed on it like she had so many times before. I knew that it was a possibility that she would be hurt, especially since Christina had only seen Kayla a few times since she ran off with Dale, but I had to give it a chance anyway. I didn’t want her to hurt, but I also didn’t want her to miss out on something special with her mother, whether I liked it or not. This was going to be difficult for me to swallow, especially knowing that if she went to her mother’s, that also meant she would be spending time with Dale, someone I still had a lot of animosity toward. Looking at my little girl, though, I knew I had to let that go.
“Daddy,” Kayla said, turning to me. “I know that this has been hard on you, too. I know that you loved Mommy, and it hurt when she left. I know that she left with Dale, and he was your best friend.”
“How did you know that?” I asked, shocked.
“I figured that since he didn’t come around anymore, that must be where Mommy went,” she said.