“Yeah, sure, okay,” I said, scoffing.
“What in the hell is that supposed to mean?”
I could tell I was starting to get on her nerves.
“I don’t know, just that you promised to come into town a couple months ago,” I reminded her. “I spent all this time pumping Kayla up, letting her know it was just a visit, but she was so damn excited. Then you never showed up. Seriously, it was heartbreaking, staring at my daughter sitting there after she had picked out her favorite outfit, had me curl her hair, and waited with her jacket and shoes on by the door. She sat there for two hours after the time you were supposed to get there before sulking away quietly to her room.”
The fact that my ex-wife was ruining my early morning cup of coffee was infuriating, but add in the fact that she just felt like she could walk in and out of Kayla’s life like that, and it was heating me up quickly. I had been so nice and caring the last few times she had contacted me, but that was all over now. Christina didn’t deserve for me to be kind and caring to her anymore. What she deserved was to be told to go to hell and have her daughter completely taken away from her. I knew that I could do it if I really wanted to, but I knew how hard that would be on Kayla, and she would be angry at me forever for it. She just was too young to really understand what was best for her.
“I told you,” she snapped. “There was a lot going on with our move and the new job. I just wasn’t able to make it. I would have called, but I knew you would just give me hell for it, so I decided that it was best that I just leave it alone. You are incredibly difficult to deal with when you are angry.”
“How dare you!”
“How dare I what?” she asked.
“How dare you make excuses for leaving your daughter waiting for you on the front steps,” I snapped. “How dare you use me as an excuse for you being a shitty-ass human being. Do you know why I am angry when you fuck up like that? Because I am the one who has to spend months holding her at night after one of these mommy sessions, because she cries all night long. She begs for her mother, and it’s absolutely heartbreaking. I would love nothing more than to tell her how selfish her mother is, how she doesn’t care about anyone but herself and what makes her feel good on the inside, how she chose freedom over spending her time with her own flesh and blood. You are a disgusting human being, Christina, and I don’t want you thinking you can just barge into our lives at any time. You are not part of our life anymore. We are moving on.”
“I don’t understand why you are being so hostile toward me,” she yelled. “I am calling to spend time with Kayla, not purposely ditch on her. I’m sorry that you are so perfect that you never have anything in your life come up that keeps you from going somewhere.”
“You know what? I have an extremely busy life, but there is nothing that could come in the way of being with my daughter and fulfilling promises to her when I make them,” I said angrily. “It would be one thing if you were doing this to me. I’m a grown man, and I understand it. I can even turn my feelings off toward it, but you are doing it to Kayla. She’s 7 fucking years old, and you are breaking her heart, and she doesn’t know how to stop loving you and wanting you. You disgust me, and I can promise you that no matter how much she wants you in her life, she may not know it yet, but she doesn’t need you at all. She has more than enough here with me and my family. They love her no matter what and make sacrifices for her happiness. I don’t give a damn that you left me, but you didn’t have to leave your daughter, too. You made that choice because you didn’t want to be her mother anymore, and now, you have to live with the consequences of those actions.”
“You are being completely unfair,” she screamed. “It has been over a year, and you still cannot forgive me.”
At that, she hung up the phone, which was probably good since I had a whole slew of things lined up in my head to tell her. I hadn’t unloaded on her like that ever, and it felt good to get it out of my system. Still, just like every other time that she called, it put me in a shitty mood, and now, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much that woman infuriated me. My anxiety was on high alert, and I slammed my phone down on the table, not wanting to deal with anything that had to do with her. Every single time I turned around, she was fucking up mine or Kayla’s life in some way, and I couldn’t deal with it anymore.
Chapter Fourteen
Alissa
When I got to the house, I walked in the door like usual with two cups of coffee, but the smile on my face quickly fizzled as I noticed Ryan pacing back and forth in the kitchen. He looked way more agitated than normal, and I didn’t really know what to say. He looked up at me and gruffed a hello, causing me to put his coffee down on the counter and clear my throat. This was not at all how I thought the morning would start. I didn’t know whether I should talk to him about what was going on or just let him come to me. After a few more minutes of him staring out the kitchen window, I realized I should probably make sure he was okay since we had a really long day of work ahead of us, stuff that could wait if he wanted.
“Ryan, what’s wrong?”
“Don’t worry about it,” he snapped. “Let’s just get to work. There is a lot to do.”
I shook my head and followed him into the living room, standing back and approving of the paint that they had applied the day before. We worked silently, removing the tape from the walls, starting to hang up shelves, and laying out the rug that was going on the floor. I looked over at him and watched his short, angry movements, feeling slightly uncomfortable. I couldn’t help but wonder if I had done something wrong. Maybe I had misread the entire situation, and Ryan didn’t feel the way I felt. Maybe he only thought of me as his sister and decorator, and falling off the ladder was just a ploy to keep him close. Oh, God, what if he thought I was trying to weasel my way in, and he had no feelings for me at all? I may have just made a huge ass out of myself, and I didn’t even realize it until that moment. He was so angry, and I guessed if I felt that way, I would be angry at me, too. He was supposed to be able to trust me, to rely on me, and I had made it look like I was some young girl fawning all over him in one of the hardest times of his life.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out, after standing there for several minutes in cold silence.
I couldn’t take it anymore, the not knowing, the assuming that I had done something to cause him to act that way toward me. I couldn’t just sit there and let it go on. Whether we had mutual feelings or not for each other, he was part of the family, and his daughter had become a very important part of my life. I couldn’t let him continue to stew over this until he no longer wanted me around. He slowly turned around and looked at me, his eyebrows furrowed.
“What?”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I got caught up in everything, but I don’t know what I did. I really enjoy spending time with you, more than I have with anyone else in my life, in fact. I don’t want that to end. You are obviously upset with me, and I want to apologize for what happened yesterday. That was in no way intentional. My foot just slipped off the ladder, and you caught me. The moment was a lot, I know, but I guess I read too much into it. Listen, why don’t I just go for today, and we can start fresh tomorrow?”
“Whoa, whoa,” he said, grabbing my arm before I could walk out of the living room. “God, I am so sorry. I am not upset with you at all. My mood has nothing to do with you. Christina called this morning and acted like a royal bitch, as usual. It just spun me all up and made me want to scream at her.”
“Oh,” I said, feeling slightly foolish. “What did she want?”
“She wanted to tell me she was coming into town soon and wanted to see Kayla,” he said. “Only last time she did that, she left that little girl standing at the front door and never showed up. She had the audacity to blame me for not calling and explaining why she didn’t come. She can never take responsibility for her own actions, so I let her have it. Before she hung up on me, she said she couldn’t understand why I couldn’t forgive her. Are you kidding me? I mean, sure, maybe I could forgive her for cheating on me, but abandoning her daughter? Never. She didn’t have to move away. She could have stayed in the area and had custody of Kayla, but she didn’t want her.”
“What?” I could feel the blood boiling in my veins. “She is such a selfish bitch. I’m sorry, Ryan, but I have been holding this in the entire time I have been coming over here. Kayla is an amazing child and needs very little upkeep as far as children go. She wants love and attention. That’s it. Christina decided that she wanted to relive her glory days as a fucking whore, and she didn’t want to have the responsibility of a child. God, I’m sorry. You know all of this.”
“No.” He chuckled. “It’s okay. Trust me; you are allowed to say those things. You have been here taking care of both of us long enough to see the truth.”
“I just don’t understand it,” I said quietly.
“What?”