Ryan
The past week had flown by, especially with the amount of work that I had riding on my shoulders. I was having to split my days, driving back and forth to different work sites, making sure they were being managed properly. I ended up making one of my longtime employees an assistant manager just so that I knew things were getting done when I was away. I ended up running into Juan again about midweek since he was doing another job across the street from ours. We set up a time to have a few drinks, which was where I was headed.
I had stopped by the office to change clothes, since I was covered in dirt, and to call and check in on Alissa and Kayla. They were doing fine, and Alissa was helping Kayla use the new computer software I got her to ignite her interest in interior design. Kayla seemed to be up and down when it came to opening up to Alissa, but that was better than nothing.
Alissa had stayed and had dinner with us once, but she seemed to clam up a bit whenever I would come home. Maybe she felt the same way as me, or maybe she was just a shy person. Either way, being around her all the time definitely didn’t help me get over my crush on her. She was nice enough to stay at my house and watch Kayla while I had drinks and caught up with Juan. I walked into the pub and looked around, finding Juan sitting at the end of the bar, eating pretzels and drinking a beer. He waved at me and smiled, and I felt slightly normal for the first time in a while.
“Hey, man,” I said, giving him a hug and sitting down next to him.
“Long day?”
“Yeah,” I said. “It was insane.”
“I know how you feel.” He laughed.
I ordered a beer, and we chatted quickly about work, getting that conversation out of our system. We tried not to always talk about work when we had free time, but being in the same business, we understood each other and found it an easy conversation starter. The bartender brought my beer back, and she smiled at me when she sat it in front of me.
“See?” Juan asked when she walked away. He nodded toward the girl behind the bar. “You aren’t as out of the game as you think.”
“She’s paid to flirt with me,” I said, laughing.
“Speaking of flirting,” Juan said, smiling. “I’ve been dating a woman named Maria now for about six months. She’s pretty amazing, and I think things are starting to get serious.”
“That’s great, man,” I said, patting him on the shoulder. “Just be careful. When you think you know someone is when things start to get really hairy. Women are sneakier than they seem. Trust me.”
“I appreciate the advice,” he said, chuckling. “But you aren’t in the right head space to talk about relationships, I don’t think. I know you’ve been burned bad, but don’t let that affect your love life, Ryan. Not all women are Christina. You have to remember that if you want any hope of being happy in the future.”
I looked up at the bartender, ordered two shots of Jack, and stared down at my beer. She placed the shots in front of us, and I took mine to the head, ordering another before the heat dissipated from my chest. She filled my glass back up, and I turned to Juan, clinking my shot glass to his and watching as he lifted his eyebrows. I shook my head and took the shot, letting out a deep breath as the warming liquid moved down my throat. I put the shot glass down and covered it, not letting the bartender pour another. It was one thing to feel better. It was another to drink away my issues.
“I don’t know, Juan,” I said, running my hands through my hair. “He was my damn best friend. Like, we shared everything for a very long time. I guess by everything, it really was everything. And Christina, I mean, how could she play me like that? She acted like everything was fine. And I’m not dreaming that up. I’ve replayed the few weeks prior to her leaving over and over in my mind, and I still couldn’t find something that maybe I had missed. It was like they both had a double life, and on the other side, they were together.”
I looked around the bar, making sure I wasn’t the poor sap everyone was staring at, but the bar was relatively empty. There was a couple on the other end, paying attention to themselves, and us, stuck away in the back corner of the bar. I felt bad about bringing this up to Juan, but I barely ever talked out loud about it. Maybe I was just kidding myself. Maybe I was angry with more than just Christina leaving. I knew somewhere in there, I was pissed that I couldn’t bring myself to have more than a couple one-night stands here and there while she was God knows where, soaking up the love life that she and I should have had.
“I know it’s hard to understand,” he said. “But have you ever thought that maybe it isn’t for you to understand? Have you ever thought that maybe it really wasn’t something that you caused? Maybe Christina was just unhappy with herself. You know better than I do that if you are unhappy with yourself, you can’t ever be happy with someone else. What’s-his-name probably was all fun and games, but one day, she is going to wake up and realize what she lost, especially her beautiful daughter.”
“And by that time, it will be too late, for me at least,” I said. “It’s already too late for me, but it kills me that Kayla has to go through this. I want to protect her, but there is only so much I can do. She wouldn’t understand, especially since I don’t fully understand, and that makes it even harder. Not having something legitimate and sound to tell Kayla when she is sad or wants to know why. It’s like I’m living in an alternate universe.”
“Give it time,” he said, patting me on the shoulder. “One day, Kayla will be old enough to tell the truth to, and that will help her look back and understand why you did the things you did. One day, you will be ready to move past this and trust another woman.”
As Juan spoke those words, Alissa buzzed through my mind, her gorgeous smile flashing through my memories. She was so sweet and absolutely gorgeous, and I knew that she was the first girl I was actually interested in since Christina had left. It was difficult, though, especially with the whole “our parents are married to each other” thing. I wasn’t sure what was right and wrong about that situation. I knew that other people would look down their noses at us, but I wasn’t worried about other people’s opinions, just hers. I sat there contemplating it while Juan talked about how I would find someone again that I could trust, but the truth was, I was already starting to trust Alissa more than I probably should. I felt good about that, though, and not at all as scared as I thought I would when I started realizing my feelings for another woman
.
“There actually is someone I have been thinking about,” I said, looking over at Juan. “She is smart, funny, sweet, kind, and amazingly caring. It’s different, and I think she feels something similar toward me, but it’s hard to tell. I’ve been a married man for so long, I feel like my radar is completely messed up. I have zero game in the romance department, and it doesn’t help that she knows the situation between Christina and me. I really just don’t know how to approach her.”
I sat there feeling better after getting that off my chest. I didn’t care if we were stepbrother and sister; we weren’t related in any way. It just so happened that our parents were married, but we were all adults, and it was different than if they had gotten married when we were still kids. I just didn’t want Juan to ask me who she was. I didn’t know whether I could tell the truth or not.
“I’m so relieved to hear that,” Juan said, smiling. “That is really awesome news. You have finally gotten to a place where you are ready to move on. I knew that the one-night stands weren’t good for you, but I knew you had to get to a relationship point on your own. Now, maybe you can start to be a little less hard on you and have someone remind you of why you are so awesome. Well, someone beyond me.”
“But you are my biggest fan,” I said, laughing.
“You’re right,” he said. “But I can’t make you feel the way an adoring woman could. As far as being off your game, I don’t really think that is a thing after the age of 23. I’m pretty sure all of us 30-somethings, or almost 30-somethings, are feeling the exact same way. The thing is, you just have to go for it, put yourself out there, and when you are getting the feelings like you are for this girl, find your commonalities and get involved in what interests her somehow.”
“What if I’m wrong about her interest?”
“Then you shake it off, come have a beer or two with me, and move on. Not every woman is going to fall into your lap like Christina did. Sometimes, it’s going to take a bit more work than a head nod at a ball game. Besides, when you put effort into the girl, the relationship is so much more rewarding. I promise.”
Maybe Juan was right; maybe I should just suck up my fears and try to get involved with Alissa. She had been on my mind for weeks, and before that, for months in a little corner in the back of my mind. Maybe the fact that our parents were married would scare her away, and maybe not, but I was starting to feel I had no choice but to find out. But how?