“I—I have to go.” I pushed off the bed and rushed for the door.
“Wait—Kandy! What’s wrong?”
“I just… I need to go. I need some air.” I could feel my bottom lip ready to quiver. Don’t cry here. Don’t cry in front of him.
I opened the door and rushed out to the hallway, while he stood in his room, confused and unsure what to do. “Happy birthday, Brody,” I said, then took off, rushing down the stairs.
I made way for the kitchen and found Morgan and Gina still there. Gina was still flirting with Leo in a corner and Morgan was sipping on a beer while scrolling through her phone by the patio door. I didn't want to interrupt Gina. I knew she’d longed to hang out with Leo for months, so I went for Morgan.
“Can we go?” I asked, grabbing her arm.
“Really?” Her eyes expanded. “We just got here. What happened?”
“I’m just…not feeling too well. Kind of getting a headache.”
She didn’t feed into my lie. “Shit, did something happen with Brody? I knew that fucker was too good to be true! You need me to go up there and kick his ass?”
“No Morgan, he didn’t do anything wrong, I swear. I just…I really, really need to get out of here. I need fresh air. Please,” I begged, holding her eyes. She must’ve realized I was serious because she gave a hard nod and grabbed my hand, leading the way out the patio door.
“Kandy!” I heard Brody call. I looked back and he was trying to get through the thick crowd that’d gathered in the kitchen. I didn’t stop. “Wait—Kandy!” he called again.
We trekked through the backyard, on top of icy grass and plastic cups, until we reached a gate. Once we hit the sidewalk, we walked pretty fast to get back to our building. Well, maybe I was the only one walking fast. Morgan was struggling to keep up with me.
“What the hell happened, Kandy?” Morgan asked, trying to match my pace. “If he did something, then let me know and I can help. We can let someone of authority know.”
“He didn’t do anything wrong, Morgan! It was me! I fucked it up!” I stopped walking, twisting around to face her. Her eyes were wide and probably more confused than Brody’s were minutes ago.
“What do you mean you fucked it up? What was there to fuck up?”
I shut my eyes and shook my head. Drawing in two deep breaths, I opened them again to focus on my roommate. “Can I tell you something and you promise not to judge me?”
“I would never judge you. You know that,” she insisted, taking a step closer.
I blinked hard, fighting the emotion, a tremble trying to claim my lip again. It didn’t help that it was thirty-fucking-degrees outside. “Brody wants to be more than friends…but I can’t do that with him. I can’t give him more.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t move past the last guy I was with.”
“An ex-boyfriend?” she inquired.
“Well, that’s the thing. He was never really my boyfriend. Just…someone I messed around with. But it got serious the more time we spent together. Then something bad happened.” I shut my eyes, reliving that terrible night all over again. Remembering how Mom cried so hard when she had the flash drive. Seeing the blood on the ground. How Dad couldn’t even look at me the next day.
“Something bad like what?”
I opened my eyes. “The guy was my dad’s best friend…and my dad found out about us. It ruined everything.”
“Holy shit,” she gasped, eyes widening.
“I haven’t heard from him in a few months. When my dad found out, it was the night before I had to come here. I didn’t get the chance to see him because he was in the hospital.”
“Shit, Kandy.”
“I know. It’s so fucked up and we promised to move on and get past what we were doing, but it was so hard. Harder than I imagined it would be. I think about him every single fucking day. I even called him the third day I was here. He called back, we talked a little…but there was no depth to the conversation. It was almost like he was already moving on.” I wiped at my face when a single hot tear slid down. “I haven’t heard from him since.”
“Wow…I’m so sorry, Kandy.” She shook her head. “I mean, I knew there was something up because you never talked to us about relationships or your ex-boyfriends, but I didn’t realize it was like that.”
“It’s fine,” I sighed.
“So…Brody doesn’t know about the last guy? That he was your dad’s best friend?”
“He knows there’s someone I can’t get over, but not that the guy was my dad’s best friend. We, um…we kissed in his room just before I came downstairs. He thought it would lead to more, but I turned him down and I think that bothered him because he started assuming really personal stuff, trying to get an answer out of me.”