It feels…strange.
As strange as leaving without Mina.
32
CRULDEN
The ship is the nicest prison I've ever been in…but it still feels like a prison.
I pace in my quarters back and forth, trying to calm my mind. It's been a day since we've left Lord Sir's jungle moon behind. A day since I was given these quarters, with the softest bed I've ever had, and equally soft blankets. There are fresh clothes—robes that will fit over my hulking form. There are trays of delicious foods sent my way.
I ignore all of it.
I hate everything. I hate all of this. And most of all, I hate myself. I want to hate Mina, too, but I can't, and that makes me angry. She used me. She tricked me with her smiles and her soft touches. She made me think I was special to her.
And…I miss her. I hate that I'm still thinking about her. I hate that I can't sleep in that comfortable bed because I keep thinking Mina should be there with me. I feel like a fool. She thinks I'm a monster and…and I still want her. Still remember her softness and her smile, her delicate scent, and the feel of her hands on my skin.
I don't know what to do with myself now. I've been trained to be a gladiator and yet, I'm told that can't happen. The new lord—Lord va'Rin and his wife Milly—have explained why they have come for me. The male that I let escape with his pregnant female was a friend of theirs. He told them about how I helped him escape, and they wanted to help. They have a clone of Crulden the Ruiner that's come into their possession, and so they knew I must be a clone, too. Normally an illegal clone would be destroyed, but Lord va'Rin feels that's an unfair fate. He's working with his government to create a “reform” school for us. On his home planet, Risda III, I'm going to be educated and given land. I'll be taught to read and to write, and set up with a plot so I can farm or do as I please. I'll be given a new identity, too.
It'll be a fresh start.
I'm…not excited about it. Maybe if Mina was here…but it doesn't matter. She's not the Mina I thought she was, anyhow.
So I pace in my chambers. And pace. And pace. I don't sleep. I don't eat. I just walk back and forth, and I think.
A gentle chime sounds at the door.
I turn and stare at it, waiting for the person to enter. When nothing happens, the intercom in the room buzzes a moment later. "Crulden? It's Milly—Lord va'Rin's wife. May I come in and talk to you?"
I want to shrug that it's their ship, but it's still foreign to me that they are giving me the freedom to say no. To say that I don't want to be disturbed. I can shut them out and they'll leave me alone, and after being a slave…privacy is somehow more bizarre than anything. I want to say no, but Milly is human, and pregnant, and she reminds me of Mina…and I am weak and foolish. "You may enter."
The door slides open a moment later and Milly steps inside. She gives me a gentle smile, her hand skimming over her rounded belly. Really, she doesn't look much like Mina other than they are both human. Milly's hair is a bright orange-red shade and her skin golden from sunlight. She wears a rich, flowing dress belted below her belly, and her figure is round with her child, her face full and kind. Mina is milk-pale with dark, slashing eyebrows. Her face is pointy and anything but kind…and I want nothing more than to look at her again.
Milly leaves the door open, and I scent a guard on the other side. As if I would harm her…but then I think about what Mina told me of the other Crulden's antics. Perhaps the guard is wise. "Hello, Crulden," Milly says brightly. "I heard you haven't been eating. Is everything all right? Is there something in particular you'd prefer to eat? We can talk to the ship's kitchen and make sure that we prepare what you enjoy. We want you to feel like a guest."
"Not hungry," I say, and I sound sulky and pathetic.
"Would you join myself and my husband in the rec room later for some music?" Milly asks. Her smile is kind and maternal. "Lord va'Rin won't speak of anything that makes you uncomfortable. We just want to get to know you better as a person. It'll help us determine how to help you once we get back home."
"No. I want to stay in here."
"And brood over Mina?" she asks, her brows going up.
I scowl in her direction. "You do not understand."