"It's nothing now. Okay? I wasn't thinking clearly a few seconds ago. It was kind of tough to form rational thoughts when you had your hand shoved up my shirt."
He hooked a finger under her chin. "If it's nothing, then why won't you tell me?"
She threaded her fingers through his tousled hair, desperate to return to the promise of forgetfulness, already knowing the ever-honorable Zach would pull away when he heard, damn him. "Just a stupid minute earlier when you pulled into the driveway. You weren't due home yet and I didn't know who was out there. I thought it might be... I thought something had gone wrong on the flight." She stared at his throat. "Like before, with Lance a year ago."
Julia's words sluiced over Zach like ice water. Actually, ice water would have shocked less.
How could he have missed the date? He'd seen it stamped all over accident files a hundred times during the past year.
Because he hadn't wanted to remember. Not now.
And now he couldn't forget.
Zach rolled off her and sat on the edge of the bed. Not that turning away kept his mind from seeing the imprint of her br**sts straining against the T-shirt. Straining toward his mouth.
Julia scrambled to her knees behind him. She looped her arms around him, her cheek against his ear, her br**sts too perfect against his back. "I was scared, okay? Scared something had happened to you. So sue me. Or better yet, get back here and finish this.
Prove to me you're totally all right."
Her warm breath caressed him with a promise hotter than her words just before she nuzzled his neck.
He shoved to his feet. "I don't think so."
"What?"
Being honorable blew, but he wasn't crawling back in that bed with Julia and a ghost.
"This isn't right for you."
She leapt to her feet, eyes blazing. "Who made you the god of deciding what I can and can't do with my life? Last time I checked, I was a consenting adult and I want us back on that bed."
"Not tonight. You're not ready for this."
"Oh, now you're a mind reader too? The great commander can take care of everything before we even think it." Julia closed the last inches between them. She linked her hands behind his neck, her body grazing his in a sinuous stretch that brought her mouth a whisper from his. "So tell me, Colonel, what am I thinking right now?"
He couldn't stop his body's reaction, and she wouldn't miss it. But he could control what he did about it.
"You want to forget that one year ago today I stood on your front porch to tell you your husband was dead." The words fell from him harsher than he'd intended, but then he wasn't feeling particularly pleasant.
She froze against him.
He loosened her hands from his shoulders and put much-needed distance between himself and the powder keg of pain radiating from Julia, ready to detonate. He wanted to pound a wall and maybe Lance Sinclair as well.
Zach gentled his hold on her wrist, trying to gentle his tone as well. "I won't be a stand-in for another man."
"I never said you were a substitute for anyone." Even pain-filled, her eyes didn't waver from him.
He almost believed her. Except when it came to relationships, he'd blown it too big in the past to trust his instincts now when the fall-out could be so bad for her. "No, Julia. Not now. You need time to think."
Her eyes flared again. "Why do you get to tell—"
"I need time to think," he said because he knew it would sway her, and because damned if it wasn't half true. "We need distance from this day before we make any decisions. Time apart would probably help too. I was going to tell you tomorrow, but I'll be leaving Monday to go TDY for a few weeks."
As if accepting the inevitable, she shoved the strap to her tank top back up her shoulder, only to have it slide defiantly down again. "Where are you going?"
He didn't answer, couldn't answer because of security, a reality of his job that had shredded his first marriage.
She dropped to the edge of the bed. "Please, don't say it's one of those 'can't tell ya, babe'