“The whole nun thing. You’re running away from how you feel about him. You’d rather never know, but I think you need to find out before deciding.”
I shifted in place, frowning down at her exquisitely drawn portrait. I wanted to roll it up and keep it forever, so that in years to come, when I was sitting in some quiet convent garden, I could look at it again and remember how I felt. The feelings would be fainter, just a small wisp of nostalgia, but that would be far more tolerable to the madness burning inside me now.
Suddenly, several foil packets dropped down in front of me. I blinked. “Are those—”
“Condoms. Yeah. Just in case you decide to take my advice,” Aoife answered, and I flushed the deepest shade of red that was humanly possible.
***
Several days went by. I knew I had to return to Vee’s house sooner or later, and I suspected I’d outstayed my welcome at Aoife’s. The two-bedroom flat wasn’t big enough for three people.
Love, sex, marriage and babies were the themes that filled my head all week. Maybe Sister Dorothy and Aoife were right. I could at least try and find out for certain if they were things I could live without. The condoms Aoife gave me were currently burning a hole in the front pocket of my school bag.
“Hey, Estella,” Kean said as he approached me one evening after school.
I was going home at last, carrying both my school bag and my backpack full of clothes that I’d packed the night I went to stay at Aoife’s.
“Oh, hi, Kean. I didn’t see you there,” I said with a small smile.
“Yeah, you looked a million miles away. Can I help you with one of those bags?”
“Um, sure,” I said and handed him the one with my clothes and other possessions.
“Shit, this is heavy. You got your wicked stepmother’s decapitated head in here or something?” he asked with humour.
Normally, I would’ve laughed, but the imagery was far too vivid, especially considering the anger I’d felt towards Vee when Noah revealed her lie. Was there some dark, mangled version of me that could resort to murder? I shuddered at the thought. It was another reason why a life of faith appealed so much. I could work every day through good deeds and prayer to eradicate the deep-seated parts of me that were ugly and twisted.
“No, I was staying at my friend’s house for a few days.”
“You brought a lot of stuff,” Kean chuckled.
“I did. How have you been?”
He ran a hand through his dark blond hair, looking a little shy. “I’ve been okay. My dad mentioned something about talking to you.” He winced. “I’m sorry if he said anything weird.”
I waved away his apology, even though from what I’d experienced of his father, I didn’t like him one bit. “It’s fine. He was a little drunk.”
“Oh, man, that’s embarrassing.”
“Seriously, don’t worry about it,” I said. “I’m used to drunk grown-ups.”
Kean eyed me, looking like he didn’t know whether or not to say something. “My mam says your stepmother’s an alcoholic. Is that true?”
I stiffened. “What makes your mam say that?”
Kean shrugged. “Vee’s made drunken late-night phone calls to our house a few times, ranting and raving at my dad. He accidentally put her on loudspeaker once, and she kept going on about him knowing something and doing nothing about it.”
I was surprised by this. I had no idea Vee made phone calls while drunk, but it was very possible. She locked herself away in the study so many nights. Who knew what she was doing in there?
“Speaking of my mam and dad,” Kean went on. “They’re away for the weekend. It’s my mam’s fiftieth so they’re spending a few days at a spa down the country. You want to come over and hang out?”
Normally, I would’ve said no, but right now, I’d take any offer that meant I could delay seeing Vee. Sylvia, too. I just didn’t know how to feel after what Vee said.
My mother is a vile, evil monster, and if anyone deserves a slow, torturous death, it’s her.
“Okay, sure,” I replied, and I swear no one ever smiled at me as wide as Kean smiled at me right then.
We walked along the beach to his house, chatting about this and that. I found him easy to talk to. If he wasn’t so influenced by his dickhead friends at school, he’d be perfect.
My eyes scanned Ard na Mara as we passed it in the distance. It sat quiet and foreboding, and the thought of sleeping there again had me breaking out in hives. I wondered how long it would take before I could join a convent. How many hoops would I have to jump through? My exams started soon, and even though I was no longer so sure about college, I knew I wanted to sit them at least. I couldn’t allow all the studying and preparation I’d done be for nothing.