Sister Dorothy surveyed me for several long moments before she spoke again, “I’ll put some information together for you, set you out on the right path, but I’d still recommend you take some time to fully think this through. Before you make this decision, we always encourage prospective members of the community to go out and experience the things they’ll have to give up. Since you’re so young I imagine you haven’t yet had a romantic relationship?”
Again, Noah’s face flashed in my head, and my chest heated. “No, I haven’t.” I couldn’t tell if it was a lie. I’d developed a bond with Noah, un undeniable connection, but we’d barely touched, hadn’t even kissed.
“Then I would encourage you to explore that avenue if you’re so inclined. You have the rest of your life ahead of you, and you don’t want to rush into anything. What you want today might not be what you want tomorrow.”
“Thank you. I’ll take that into consideration,” I said, standing. “Thank you for talking to me.”
She nodded and led me out of her room, back through the cloister. A nun knelt on the ground tending to the vegetable patch, and another sat on a bench in quiet contemplation.
I could certainly be content living an uneventful life like these women did, even if there were things I’d have to give up.
For the rest of the day my mind was on my conversation with Sister Dorothy. I thought about what she said, about the sacrifices I’d have to make. If I became a nun, I’d never fall in love with a man, never know what sex was like. Since I’d never had it, it didn’t seem like too much of a sacrifice. But what if I was giving up something wonderful? I thought of the way I felt when Noah touched me, and tingles swarmed my belly.
“I’m thinking of entering a convent,” I said to Aoife as we sat on her bed doing homework that evening.
She blinked several times, her face scrunching up in confusion. “A convent? Do you mean—”
“That I want to become a nun. Yes,” I answered.
More blinking. “Wow, that’s … where did this decision come from?”
“After finding out about Vee’s lie, it just suddenly occurred to me. I know you probably think I’m mad, but nothing has ever felt more right.”
My friend stared at me for a long moment, her eyes flickering back and forth between mine. “And it doesn’t frighten you? I mean, you’ll never even get to fall in love.”
Love is terrifying, I thought silently, Noah at the forefront of my mind. If not feeling the sinking, wonderful, scary, exhausting emotions I felt when I was around him was the sacrifice I had to make, so be it. I didn’t want to live on a stormy sea. I wanted to live on calm waters.
I shook my head. “No, that doesn’t frighten me. I’ll find fulfilment in my faith.”
“But you’ve never even had sex,” she whispered. “You’re only nineteen. You might change your mind.”
“I don’t think I will.”
“Have sex then, and see if you still feel the same way,” she said, a hint of challenge in her eyes.
I scoffed, shaking my head. “Okay, I’ll just go out and grab the first man I see.”
“Or woman. Who knows, you might be gay. Maybe that’s why the thought of never having sex with a man doesn’t make you sad,” she joked lightly. “And why being cooped up in a convent with a bunch of other women appeals so much.”
Again, I thought of Noah. “I’m not gay.”
She eyed me a moment, chewing her lip. “Nah, I didn’t think you were. Can I show you something?”
“Sure.”
She left the bed and knelt on the floor, pulling out one of her art folders. Plopping it open, she sifted through several sketches before revealing one that made my breath catch.
“How did you …”
“I did it from memory. It’s not perfect, but I think I caught something of his likeness.”
She’d done more than that. Aoife had drawn a charcoal portrait of Noah, and it was captivating. She’d caught every dark shadow, every mysterious, haunted line. I couldn’t drag my eyes away.
“You can keep it, if you like,” she said, and I glanced at her, cheeks flushing.
“Um, no, that’s alright.”
“Does he scare you?” she asked in a quiet voice.
I met her gaze, and in a moment of unfiltered honesty answered, “He terrifies me.”
“What I wouldn’t give to know what that feels like,” she said on a sigh. “I mean, Jimmy gives me tingles, and it feels nice being with him, but the chemistry between you and Noah. That’s a once in a lifetime feeling.”
“It’s not a good feeling, Aoife. It’s intense and uncomfortable and like there’s this constant itch under my skin.”
A smile tugged at her mouth. “Ah, now I get it.”
“What do you get?”