“Like shit. I still say my ribs are broken,” I said, as I looked over at Jeff.
Dr. Ross glanced over at Jeff.
“Jeff Johnson, Ari’s fiancé,” Jeff said as they shook hands.
“Ari, we’re going to let you head on home. I need you to take it easy for the next twenty four hours. Get lots of rest and be sure to watch for a fever. ”
“You are going to go through a range of emotions. Anger, sadness, grieve. You need to allow yourself time to grieve the loss of your child, both of you. ” Dr. Ross glanced back over toward Jeff and gave him a slight smile.
He also told us he would like for us to wait two months before we tried for another baby. Jeff squeezed my hand and I felt the tears building in my eyes.
Do. Not. Cry.
Standing up to leave, Dr. Ross shook Jeff’s hand again.
“Please let me know if there’s anything else I can do for y’all. If for any reason you start feeling worse, my personal cell phone number will be on your discharge papers. Or if you just need to talk to someone, I’ve been where you both are. I know what you’re feeling. It will get better. ”
I was fighting the tears like there was no tomorrow. Jeff was squeezing my hand so hard that I was pretty sure he was going to break it. I looked down at my hand and back up at him, and he must have noticed it because he immediately loosened his hold.
My whole body started shaking and Jeff moved in closer to me. After the doctor walked out of the room, I lost it. I didn’t think I’d ever cried so hard in my life, and I couldn’t seem to stop. I turned and put my head on Jeff’s chest. My side was killing me, but I didn’t even care.
“I lost our baby, Jeff. Oh my god. . . I couldn’t even take care of her. I lost our baby…I’m so sorry. ”
Jeff held me and just kept repeating over and over, “It’s not your fault, baby. It’s not your fault. ”
I continued to cry on his chest.
“Ari, I love you so much. This isn’t your fault, baby, so please don’t cry. We can try in a couple of months to have another baby. ”
I pulled back and looked up at him. I started to shake my head. There’s no way I can do this again. What if I lose the next baby? What if I’m not meant to have kids?
“Stop. Stop this right now, Ari. I know what you’re thinking. This was an accident, and that’s all. It was not your fault or my fault. It just wasn’t meant to be yet, baby. ”
I put my head back on his chest and tried to calm myself down. We’ll get through this together. We can make it through this.
***
The moment I got into Jeff’s truck, I smelled her perfume, and I almost threw up. I knew he brought her to the hospital, I knew he stayed with her while the baby was born, and I knew the baby wasn’t his. So why am I so pissed off at him all of a sudden?
He jumped in the front seat and must have noticed it, too. He rolled the back windows down. “Do you want to stop anywhere to eat before we head back to Mason?”
I just wanted to get home I shook my head. “No, let’s just go home. ”
Jeff handed me his cell phone and said that Ellie wanted me to call her.
“Hey, Ells, how did last night go? Did y’all have fun?”
“Fuck no, I didn’t have fun. Heather got trashed, Josh got trashed, and they were both hanging all over other people on the dance floor. It was a mess. I ended up having to drive Josh’s truck back to y’all’s place. Lynda begged Josh to let her stay with him, but thankfully he wasn’t that drunk. I’m pretty sure Heather would have killed him if he did that. ”
“Um, I’m pretty sure I would have killed him if he did that in my house! What the hell is going on with Josh and Heather?”
I looked over at Jeff. He rolled his eyes. I had to smile because those two reminded me of Jeff and me once upon a time.
Ellie filled me in on everything that went down between Josh and Heather. Good lord. What was wrong with those two? I was going to have to have a long talk with Heather in a few days. I wasn’t sure why she was pushing Josh away when everyone knew she cared for him.
***
Jeff and I drove in silence for most of the way before I started to fall asleep. I finally stopped fighting my weariness as I drifted off to sleep.