Jeff looked confused as the tears started to slide down his face.
“Ari, no. Please don’t say that, baby. I didn’t pick her over you. I didn’t know what else to do, Ari! I was worried about the baby and. ”
I shook my head. “Please just stop! Stop talking about that baby. ” I looked back at him. “You left us, Jeff. ”
“Ari, I’m here, baby, I’m here now. I promise you that I’ll never leave you again. I promise baby, never again. ”
I just stared at him.
“Do you want to know what I was going to tell you before you left?”
“Of course I do, Ari. ”
“I was going to tell you that you and I were having a baby, that our future was growing in my stomach. I wanted to tell you how scared I’ve been for the last week, how scared I was that you were going to be upset because I missed my pills and got pregnant, how scared I was that you would pick Rebecca’s baby over ours, and how scared I was that our baby might have Fragile X. I was going to
tell you all this, but you left. You left to go be with Rebecca and a child who you didn’t even know was yours when I knew for a fact that you were the father of my baby. ”
Jeff’s face turned white as a ghost. “Ari…we’re gonna have a baby?”
When I saw the smile slowly spread across his face, I died inside all over again.
I turned my head away and started to cry. Why didn’t I tell him sooner? Why am I blaming him when it was entirely my fault? If I had just told him, he might not have walked away from us.
“Ari, baby, I could never, ever be upset with you. When I held that baby in my arms, I felt nothing, and in that moment, I knew he wasn’t mine. I only want to have kids with you…only you. ”
He reached over and turned my face back toward him.
This was tearing me up inside. I needed to tell him even though I knew I was about to devastate him.
“I lost the baby when I fell off Rose. ”
He stood up straight and started to shake his head. “No…oh God… no. ”
He slowly started to lower himself to his knees. When his knees hit the floor he put his head on the side of the bed and started to cry.
“Oh god…Ari. I’m so sorry, baby…oh god…this is all my fault. ”
I wanted so badly to comfort him, but at the same time, I wanted him to hurt just as much as I did.
“I need you to leave, Jeff. I need to be alone. ”
He looked up at me, eyes filled with tears. “I’m not leaving you again, Ari. I’m never leaving you again. ”
“I don’t want you here!” I shouted at him. I winced in pain from my bruised ribs and pounding headache. Motherfucker! Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, that fucking hurt.
“I’m not leaving you baby. You can shout and scream all you want, Ari. I’m never going to leave your side again. It doesn’t matter if you want me here or not. ”
Ellie walked into the room. “Is everything okay, Ari?”
When Ellie looked at Jeff on the floor, she saw that he was crying. Walking over, she dropped to her knees next to him.
“Jefferson. ”
He turned and hugged her, and then he started crying even more.
Of all the times I’ve fallen off a horse, why do I now get ribs that hurt so damn bad I can’t move? I just wanted to be the one to hold and comfort him.
Shit! I’m losing my goddamn mind. I just told him to leave, and now, I’m jealous of Ellie hugging him.