I sat down next to my mother, and Merit let her go. My mother turned back to me, and I held her. I pressed my mouth into her hair and kissed her head as she whispered my father’s name over and over.
The breeze softly blew the leaves of the large oak tree, gifting me with a calming sound as I stood and stared down at my father’s casket. It was so quiet except for the sound of the wind whispering through the trees.
He was gone. There had been so many things I wanted to tell him. So many things I wanted to do with him, and now I couldn’t. I’d never be able to talk to him ever again.
A single tear slipped free, and I let it roll down my face. I had let myself fall apart in the waiting room of the ICU, but since then I had been there for my mother. She was trying to be strong, but I heard her crying at night, and it ripped my heart open even more. I’d walked into her room the other night and found her clutching my father’s pillow. She was crying so hard she could hardly breathe.
That was the last time I saw her cry. She hadn’t even shed a tear today at the funeral. I wasn’t sure if she simply had no more tears left to cry, or if she had somehow found the strength to hold it in. I, on the other hand, felt like a damn ticking time bomb. I had no idea when my own strength would fail and I’d lose control. I could feel it coming, though. I knew that much.
“Dirk?”
I stood up straighter and dragged in a breath before pushing it out.
“I’ll be right there, Brock.”
He walked up next to me and stood in silence for a minute or two before he finally spoke. “They need us to leave so they can bury the casket.”
“Us?” I asked as I pulled my gaze away from the casket and focused on Brock.
“Yeah, it’s just me and you now. Everyone’s gone back to the ranch for the memorial.”
I looked over my shoulder to see the only vehicle still there was Brock’s truck.
“Oh.”
It was all I could say.
Brock placed his hand on my shoulder and gave it a hard squeeze.
The last few days had been a whirlwind. My mother had thrown herself into planning the funeral with the help of Lori and Stella. Merit had been at the house each night, making sure there was food and trying her best to help with the plans. I’d avoided her like the plague, though I was not entirely sure why. As much as I’d needed her to be with me at the hospital, now I just couldn’t be around anyone. She didn’t push back and gave me the distance I needed, which I was grateful for. When night fell, I found myself sleeping in Brock and Lincoln’s spare bedroom. Too afraid to face whatever it was at my folks’ house that had me running away each night.
But now it was all over. We’d be going back to the ranch, and he wouldn’t be there.
“How do I go back home with him not there? I’m not sure I can.”
“You can, and you will. It’s not going to be easy, but you’ll do it for your mom and for you. You can’t hide at my place forever, Dirk. Life has to move on.”
I closed my eyes tightly and nodded.
“Come on, let’s go.”
I turned and walked to Brock’s truck. It felt like I was running on some sort of invisible battery. I had hardly slept, hardly eaten, and found myself getting up at night and pouring myself a glass of my father’s favorite whiskey that Brock happened to favor, as well. My thoughts bounced from my mother to Merit. Mostly they stayed on my father, though.
I had told him I loved Merit. Had he heard me? Did he have any idea how much I needed him? I was so fucking foolish for leaving, chasing a dream that didn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things.
The drive back to the Shaw ranch was filled with silence until we drove through the gate.
“Is everything okay with you and Merit? Your mom mentioned something about you hardly speaking to her at all since...”
I shrugged. “There isn’t anything to talk about.”
“Dirk, you know how much she loved your father. She’s hurting, as well, and I know she only wants to be there for you, but you’re pushing her away.”
“Yeah, well, if it wasn’t for her, I would have still been home and maybe he wouldn’t have been on the tractor that day.”
I felt Brock’s eyes on me, and I stared out the passenger window. I regretted the words the moment they slipped out. What the hell was wrong with me? I knew none of what I’d just said was true. It hadn’t been Merit’s fault I’d run as fast as I could to avoid her. Merit hadn’t been the one to force me back out onto the circuit when I’d promised my folks I’d take some time off. But fuck, I was angry, and I wasn’t even sure who it was directed at.