“What’s happening? Dirk, what’s going on?” my mother asked, her voice filled with fear and uncertainty.
“I’m not sure,” I said as I quickly made my way back toward my father’s room.
A nurse stepped in front of me. “Mr. Littlewood, I’m going to need to ask you to stay in the waiting room.”
I looked over her head. “What’s going on with my father? Is he okay?”
“Please, sir, I need you to return to the waiting room.”
Without taking my eyes off the door to his room, I demanded, “Tell me what is happening, dammit!”
“Sir! You are in the way. I need you to please go back out to the waiting room.”
The door flew open, and a nurse ran out. I saw Frank over my father, pumping his chest as a nurse handed him something. The door started to close, and I heard him shout, “Clear!”
The door shut fully, and I looked down at the nurse. “Please, tell me what’s happening and I’ll go back.” By now, my mother was next to me, along with Merit.
The nurse let out a slow breath. “He’s had another heart attack.”
Everything seemed to move in slow motion. The nurse sounded like she was talking into a can, and my mother let out a small scream of “No!” I heard Merit telling my mother to come with her, and I felt the nurse taking my arm gently and guiding me to the waiting room. I didn’t even remember walking the steps it took to get there, but suddenly I was dropping down into a chair and staring at the retreating nurse.
I looked over at Merit. She was on the phone talking to someone. My mother had her face buried in her hands and was chanting something about God not taking him.
I caught a glimpse of the night sky through the large window, and I saw a thunderstorm building in the distance. Lightning lit up the sky. I focused on it and nothing else until I felt someone touch my arm. I looked up, and it was Merit.
“She needs you, Dirk.”
Suddenly, I heard my mother’s soft cries, and I quickly stood. Merit took my hand, the same hand my father had just squeezed. She did the same and then nodded.
Without another thought, I went to my mother. I sat down and placed my arm around her. She turned and buried her face into my chest and sobbed.
I gently rubbed her back and whispered, “Shhh, he’s going to be okay. He will. He has to be.”
It felt like an eternity before I heard Frank clear his throat. My mother and I both looked up and then stood.
“Frank, how is he?” I asked, hearing the fear in my voice.
When his gaze bounced from my mom to me and then back to her, I knew. Deep down in my heart, I had known already.
“Kimberley, I’m so sorry, we tried everything…but we lost him.”
My mother let out a strangled sob, and nearly fell to the floor as I grabbed her and held her up. I met Frank’s eyes.
“It was a massive heart attack, and there was nothing I could do. I tried, but…” His voice trailed off, and I nodded slightly.
“I’m so very sorry, Dirk, Kimberley. So very sorry.”
My mother’s cries grew louder, and I sat back down with her. She started to rock and call out my father’s name. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I closed my eyes and fought the urge to scream out. I wanted to hit something. I wanted to yell and tell the world how unfair this was. He had squeezed my hand, goddammit! He had…he had tried to talk to me.
I had the urge to let my mother go and bury my own face in my hands and scream. I tried to get a grip on my emotions. My mother needed me. My mother needed me, and I could not…I would not break down.
I held onto my mother while she cried until she finally pulled away from me, hunching in on herself. A hand softly touched my shoulder, and I looked up to see Merit standing there. I stood and pulled her into my arms. She buried her face into my chest as I buried mine into her soft chestnut curls. She hugged me with all her might for a few moments before she let go and stepped back. I didn’t want to let her go, but I did. Merit looked over at my mother and bent down in front of her, gently placing her hand on my mother’s knee.
“Oh Merit. Merit!” my mother said as she allowed Merit to wrap her arms around her. “He’s my everything. He can’t be gone. No! Please, tell me he isn’t gone!”
I clenched my fists a few times as I stared down at the two of them. Merit glanced back up at me and softly said, “I’m so sorry.”