“And look how upset you are knowing that,” he said softly. “You aren’t a mean person, freckles. You don’t have a bad bone in your body, so when you resemble anything close to rude, everyone knows you have a damn good reason to behave that way.”
“And you think me reason was justified?”
“And then some.” Damien nodded firmly.
I rubbed my head. “I can’t tell if you’re lyin’ or not.”
“I don’t lie when it comes to you.”
At that, I snorted.
“Everyone lies about somethin’.”
“I’ve told one lie regarding you, and it’s the biggest lie I’ve ever told and my biggest regret.”
I could hear my heartbeat in my ears.
“What was the lie?”
Damien blew out a breath. “Are you ready to hear this?”
No.
I barely managed a nod.
“The biggest lie I’ve ever told was that night in Darkness when I told you I didn’t want to keep you.”
It’s not that I can’t keep you, Lana; it’s that I don’t want to.
My heart slammed into my chest, and my mouth dried up. Words that had haunted me for years, were suddenly untrue and held no meaning. I didn’t know how to process that.
“You didn’t know it would span into this.”
“No,” he agreed, “but whether it was for days or years, I still hurt you, and I hate myself for that.”
I frowned. “Well, I don’t hate you.”
The look of surprise on Damien’s face was one I’d never forget.
“You don’t?”
“Damien,” I began. “If I truly hated you, then I wouldn’t have been so upset over everythin’ that happened between us. I’ve just been mad at you, at the situation. That can seem like hate sometimes, but it was just anger.”
“Was anger or is anger?”
“I’m not sure.” I swallowed. “I know you’re sorry for everythin’, you’ve said it enough times and showed it enough since you came back, but I just can’t click me fingers and pretend everythin’ is okay. I wish I could, but I can’t.”
“It’s okay,” Damien said, licking his lower lip, his eyes never once straying from mine. “I’ve got the time to wait for you to decide.”
I blinked. “To decide what?”
“Whether you want to be with me.”
The moment I opened my eyes that morning, I was aware of the events from the day and the night before. I had left my apartment after being cooped up for seven days on the trot, and in the few hours that followed, my life had once again been turned upside down. Damien had kissed me until I couldn’t see straight, he fought Dante, again, I found out my ma had breast cancer, and Damien, of all people, was the one who stayed the night with me just so I wouldn’t have to be on my own.
I was in a permanent state of confusion over that man.
I had gone from not knowing what he wanted from me to him flat out saying he would wait for me to decide if I wanted to be with him or not. To be in a steady relationship with him. He told me he lied when he said he didn’t want me when we were eighteen. The words that haunted me day and night for years were suddenly untrue. Or at least he said they were. I was still in a state of shock over it all. I didn’t know how to process what he was saying ... what he truly wanted.
It didn’t feel like it was real.
Once upon a time, Damien saying he’d wait for me would have made my entire life, but I wasn’t a kid anymore. I wasn’t as carefree, and my heart was not new to the game. When I first met Damien, I had never been kissed, I had never had sex, and I had never come close to feeling love for another person. I was confident I didn’t love Damien back when I was eighteen, but I knew I had been falling in love with him when everything turned south between us.
I felt something for him, something big. I wouldn’t have been such a wreck over him for the past few years otherwise.
Damien left my apartment long before I woke up, and I had to admit, I was more than a little relieved. When I came into the kitchen and saw a sticky note stuck to a plate cover, I picked it up and smiled when I scanned my eyes over the scribbled words.
I’m going home to get showered before work. You needed your rest, so I didn’t want to wake you, but I did make you some food. Eat it. I’ll see you later – Dame x
The schoolgirl in me wanted to squeal at the kiss after Damien’s name, but the woman in me kept her in check. I didn’t want or need hope where Damien was concerned. I couldn’t think about what he said to me; I had to focus on the bigger problem of my ma having cancer. Before I ate the breakfast Damien cooked for me, I called my ma.