“The day I lost you.”
I frowned. “Kale, don’t do that to yourself.”
He tried to smile, but his lips never did fully curve. “I can’t help it.”
“Hey,” I murmured.
His whisky-coloured eyes roamed my face. “Yeah?”
I licked my dry lips and said, “I think it’s time we had our talk.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Day four in York
Explain this to me one more time,” Kale said as we entered his apartment. “Your uncle left you his entire estate, but under the condition that we . . . talk? Am I getting that correctly?”
Thank God it sounded just as insane to someone else.
I nodded. “Yeah, it was written in black and white. If we don’t talk, and we both know what talk he means – he worded it exactly like that – then his estate will be liquidated into a lump sum and donated to . . . to the Liverpool Football Club.”
A gasp of pure horror left Kale.
“That manipulative bastard,” he said, scowling.
I couldn’t help but laugh. Kale, like the rest of my family, was a hard-core Man United supporter.
“I just can’t believe he had to take such drastic measures. I hate that I made him feel like he had no other option. He probably thought if he asked me to talk to you that I would have cut him off like I did everyone else.”
My lower lip trembled as shame filled me.
“Hey now,” Kale murmured as he moved closer to me and placed his hands on my shoulders. “He knew you loved him, but he also knew you needed to figure everything out for yourself. We all did. Your brothers and parents just took it harder because they were caught in the crossfire of losing you.”
I nodded. “I know, but my decisions didn’t help anything.”
“Everyone makes mistakes, Lane. We learn from them and grow.”
I glanced up at him. “When did you become so wise?”
His lip quirked, and for a second I thought I spotted the familiar glint that once dwelt in his beautiful eyes. “I’ve done a lot of thinking over the years.”
I had no doubt about that. I had done a lot of thinking too.
There was a beautiful bookcase in the corner of the sitting room, and before I knew it, I found myself standing before it, brushing my fingers over the book spines in greeting. I loved books, and I loved that Kale still read them. I was about to turn away from the case when the name of an author caught my eye: K.T. Boone. She was an author I worked with. I scanned the other books and gasped.
“Kale,” I breathed.
I felt him come up beside me.
“You . . . you bought every book I have ever edited,” I whispered as my eyes scanned over the familiar titles.
Kale cleared his throat. “Like I wasn’t going to follow your work. You’re my best friend, and you have a kick-ass job. I’ve read them all. I had a book club in the making with your dad and Uncle Harry.” He chuckled. “You’re truly brilliant at what you do. I couldn’t find a fault in any of them. I love reading the author’s acknowledgements to you too. I’m so proud of you, kid.”
Don’t cry, I warned myself. Don’t you dare bloody cry.
“This is so sweet, Kale,” I said, clearing my throat when my voice dropped that octave.
“Speaking of sweet, you want a cup of tea?” Kale asked after a moment, and I appreciated the subject change.
I snorted. “Do you have to even ask?”
He grinned down at me and headed into the kitchen to put the kettle on. I followed him, and I glanced around as I walked, noticing how plain everything was. There were no pictures of Kaden anywhere, but I was too afraid to ask about it in case it upset Kale. I walked by him and moved to the large window over by his kitchen counter.
“Great view of the cathedral from here,” I commented.
Kale chuckled. “Why do you think I bought the place? For the generous-sized rooms?”
I noted his sarcasm and grinned.
“I like it,” I said. “It’s cosy.”
“It’s nothing compared to your new house. Harry’s place has five bedrooms.” Kale whistled. “What will you do with all that space? It’ll fetch a nice price for you, that’s for sure.”
I wasn’t surprised that he assumed I would be selling my uncle’s house; I’d been threatening to leave ever since I’d arrived.
“I’m not selling the house,” I casually said as I continued to look out the window, admiring the beauty of the town.
I felt Kale’s eyes on me. “What does that mean?” he asked in a low voice.
I shrugged. “It means I’m not selling. It’s my house, and I don’t want to sell it to someone else.”
Kale swallowed. “Will you lease it out and be a landlord?” he asked, grabbing at straws. “You’d get decent monthly rent for it.”
I shook my head. “No, if I did that I’d have to live in my parents’ house forever, and while I love them dearly, I don’t want that.”
I felt hands on my shoulders, and then my body was turned.
“Don’t play jokes on me,” Kale warned, his eyes trained on me.
I looked up at him. “I’m not playing games. I’m telling the truth.”
He blinked, his surprise evident. “You’re . . . moving back—”
“Home,” I finished for him. “I’m moving back home.”
His eyes widened, and he didn’t say a word, but just stared at me. I held back a gasp when the glint I thought I’d seen minutes ago flashed across his eyes, and this time it didn’t leave.
My Kale, my mind whispered.
I glanced for something to distract me from doing something stupid. My eyes flicked around his empty walls, and I frowned. “Why don’t you have any pictures up?”
Kale gnawed on his inner cheek. “Of Kaden?”
I nodded.
“Because they’re a reminder that he is gone.”
I tilted my head. “Couldn’t they be a reminder that he was here? Even though it was for a short time?”
Kale looked away from me. “I don’t know if I want to talk about him. It hurts.”
“I know.” I frowned. “I wish that one day we’d wake up and his passing would all just be a nightmare.”
Kale gripped the counter, then took my hand in his and led me into the sitting room, where we sat on a very comfortable sofa. For minutes we sat in silence.
“I miss my son, Lane,” he whispered. “I miss his laugh, his cry, his screams and even his serious conversations with his chubby toes. I miss everything about him.”
I was silent as he spoke.
“Day by day it’s ripping me apart because I know I’ll never see him again. Never hold him again. It kills me that you’ll never get to know him. I was robbed of you, and then I was robbed of him. God hates me. I hate me.”
I got up and kneeled before him and put my hands on his face, forcing him to look at me.
“You’re the bravest person that I have ever known. You’re so strong, and sweetheart, you’re a good fucking person. Horrible things have happened to you for no reason, because no reason is good enough for you to lose a child. The why can never be explained, and nothing will ease that pain you feel, but I truly believe that one day you won’t feel sorrow or sadness when you think of Kaden. You will think of happiness and love, because I know in my heart that he was pure light. You will see him again.”
Kale’s whisky-coloured eyes were glazed over with tears, and when he blinked, they fell and splashed onto his cheeks. Without thought or hesitation, I leaned in and kissed the salty droplets away. I pressed my forehead against his and looked into his beautiful eyes.
“I wasn’t there for you when you lost Kaden, but I will be here for you now and every moment after. I don’t care what has happened between us in the past. Before you were my crush, you were my best friend. You’re still my best friend, and I refuse to lose you again.”
“You . . . you really aren’t going back to America?” he asked, the hope in his voice
almost breaking me.
I shook my head. “No, darling, no matter the outcome of this conversation, I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here where I belong, with my family, and with you in any capacity. You’re my best friend. I’ll give up everything before I lose that, lose you, again.”
I barely finished speaking before he covered my mouth with his and kissed me.
“Kale, no,” I said, and broke away from him. “You’re kissing me because you’re sad.”
“No,” he said, looking at me with searching eyes, “I’m kissing you because if I don’t, I’ll lose my fucking mind.”
I sat back on my heels. “You don’t know what you’re—”
“Don’t tell me what I’m feeling or what I’m thinking,” he growled, cutting me off. “I’m sick of people thinking they know what’s best for me. I know what’s best for me.”
I felt a moment of déjà vu as he echoed my earlier words to my family.
“And what’s best for you?” I quizzed.
“You,” he growled.