“The file you kept on our old desktop computer with the wedding stuff in it. I noticed you saved a lot of photos of this ring. I went to Tiffany’s and bought it.” His lips curved into a slight smile. “Anyway, I know it may not matter anymore, but I’m showing you this so you know how serious I was about us. I’ve had this weird feeling lately that I needed to catch you before I lost you forever. I sensed that something was happening, and now I know exactly what it was.” Rory shook his head in disbelief. “I’ll tell you one thing…I could never have imagined that you and Channing…” He couldn’t get the words out. “I want to fucking throw up.”
His devastation penetrated the depths of my soul. This felt like a nightmare.
I struggled to find the words. “I can only imagine how you feel. I honestly don’t even know what to say. As hard as it was to accept, I believed that you’d chosen to leave me because you didn’t want me. I had to work so hard to try to get over you. Now, I’m finding out that everything was a lie. And on top of that, I’m devastated for you, that you’re telling me you can never have children? My God, Rory. You’re right. I would have never left you because of that. Not in a million years. I’m so incredibly shocked right now, and I feel sick. You have no idea.”
“I think I do know how you feel, because I feel sick, too.”
My phone chimed. I knew it was Channing before I even looked down at it.Channing: Just confirm for me that you’re okay.I quickly typed out a response.Amber: I’m okay. Talk soon.I was far from okay. As I looked into the eyes of my first love, the man I thought I was going to marry, the man I thought I was going to have children with, I’d never been more confused in my life.
The truth was, I’d never fully fallen out of love with Rory, even when I thought he’d chosen to leave me. I still wasn’t able to shake him. A portion of my heart was still his. But he’d left a void. And Channing had filled it. I’d fallen so hard for him, and despite the truth I now realized about Rory, that couldn’t erase what had developed in my heart for Channing.
Now, it felt like my heart had fallen into a state of purgatory. And for the first time in my life, I understood that it was completely possible to be in love with two men at the same time.CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO* * *CHANNINGStaring at the clock wasn’t helping. That didn’t stop me from checking it every two minutes in the hopes that it somehow made her walk through the door sooner.
I’d always known this day would come, that he’d return and try to get her back. It was never a matter of if…but when.
And since when did Rory look like that? When we were friends, he had no facial hair and never worked out. Now, he looked like goddamn Charlie Hunnam.
My mother entered the room. “Channing, tell me what’s going on tonight. I’m very confused.”
“You and me both.”
The last thing I really wanted to do was talk about this situation with my mom. But I also realized that her mind was deteriorating. How much longer would I have her around to vent to? I would regret not talking to her more while I could. That understanding made me feel obligated to open up to her now, even if it was a little uncomfortable for me.
“I know you sleep with her, but do you love Amber?”
I’d told Amber earlier tonight that I was falling in love with her. The truth was, I knew in my heart that there was no falling happening; I’d already fallen—and I couldn’t fucking get up. She was the only woman I’d ever truly fallen in love with.
“I really do love her, yes, Mom.”
My mother looked so happy to hear me say that. “Oh, Channing…I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see the day.”
“Neither was I.”
“You never brought girls home to meet me. I just always assumed that would be the way it was, that you’d never settle down with anyone.”
“Yeah, well, it still may not happen for me—at least not with Amber.”
“Why do you say that?”
“She and Rory were together for nine years. He has a very big leg up on me. She was devastated when he broke up with her. Amber was really in love with him.”
Was…or is?
“You’ve cared about her for a long time—since you were a teenager.”
That comment caught me off guard.
How would she have known that?
“How do you know that?”
“A mother can tell. She was a good friend to your sister, and to you, for many years. I watched you interact with her back then. You were always attentive to everything she would say. Your smile would linger for longer than normal when she was around. Little things like that. There was definitely a connection. I could tell there was something there. She’s not just some girl. You two have a history, as well. Don’t discount that.”