We stood in front of the empty shelves.
Jade grimaced. “What the hell is wrong with everyone?”
“They took it all. Every last package of toilet paper.”
“How can it be possible that there isn’t a little bit here?”
“It’s sensible to have a two-week supply of medication, house items, and food.”
“In that regard, I can understand why people would stock up.”
“But they’ve cleaned out the whole market.”
I glanced down all the empty shelves filling out the aisle. “There’s not even baby wipes. We might have used those, unfortunately.”
“I hate the idea of that. Because you can’t flush them.”
“Yeah. . .”
“What’s another alternative?”
“I saw a meme about socks—”
“Absolutely not.” Anger hit me. “I didn’t work my ass off for all these years to make this much money, and then wipe my ass with a sock.”
She chuckled.
I glared at her.
“Sorry. You’re right.” She shrugged. “What are our options?”
“We find the bastard who took all the toilet paper, and then we take it from them.”
She dropped her mouth open. “Kamal.”
“My ex sucked someone’s dick in my bedroom. My mother is sick in the hospital. I just slept on an uncomfortable couch for barely five hours.” I pointed at the floor. “I will not go without toilet paper.”
She covered her mouth.
“Don’t you dare laugh.”
“I’m sorry. It’s a little funny.” She chuckled. “But you’re right.”
“I’m taking somebody’s toilet paper.” I stormed off.
She called back to me, “But we were just listening to news about people stealing—”
“That’s different. They were crazy.”
“And we won’t be?”
“Not at all.” I left the aisle, went close to the cash registers, and paused in horror.
Really?!
There, tons of people stood in long lines. More than four packs of toilet paper lay in every cart. It was an oasis of toilet paper as far as the eye could see.
Jade got to my side. “What a bunch of coronajerks!”
“You see what I’m saying?”
“I mean look at that lady over there.” Jade gestured to the cart several feet in front of us. “The whole fucking cart is full of meat and toilet paper.”
“Exactly. We’re going to steal from her.”
“Kamal. That’s wrong.”
“Then why does it feel so right?”
Jade laughed.
“It’s not funny. She has enough toilet paper for three damn months. There’s no wedding ring. I bet it’s all for her—”
“Maybe she has kids.”
“Doubt it. She’s an evil woman.”
“Oh my God.”
Nodding, I glared at the woman. “I’ve got a plan.”
“Oh, you have a plan?” Jade crossed her arms over her chest. “I must hear this.”
“I’m going to distract her—”
“How?”
“Look at me. I’m a handsome guy.”
She doubled over with laughter. “I can’t with you right now.”
“Hey, I’m not a bad looking guy.”
“This is too much.”
Ignoring her cracking up, I continued, “I’m going to charm her. While I keep her busy, you slip by and snatch a toilet.”
She stopped laughing but grinned. “So, you’re going to make me the thief?”
“We’re in this together.”
She pointed my way. “Hey, if I get caught, you have my bail?”
“I have your bail and a top lawyer.”
She shook her head. “I can’t believe you are peer pressuring me into stealing toilet paper. You’re better than this, Kamal.”
“It’s either that or we buy a huge pack of socks.”
“Good point.” She frowned. “Okay. You charm her. When do I know it’s a good time to take the toilet paper?”
“I’ll. . .”
“What?”
I thought about it but couldn’t think of anything.
“Oh, you know what?” She smirked. “You should sing.”
I scrunched my face in horror. “Sing?”
“It’ll distract everyone. That’s what we need. You go up and charm her, then you sing a song that’s loud enough for everyone to look. At that point, no one will catch me taking it.”
“I’m not a fan of singing, but we need this.”
“Hey, I’m the one committing the crime. You need to do something too.”
I frowned. “There must be another alternative to singing.”
“If you don’t sing, then I won’t steal.”
“Fine. I sing. You steal.”
“Deal.”
“Okay.” I raised my hand in the air for a high-five.
She hit it.
“Let’s go.”
She nodded.
I walked off and headed to the woman. She was slim, probably in her mid-thirties. Super short. Her packs of toilet tissue towered over her. The sight disgusted me.
There’s no way you need that much.
I glanced around and didn’t see Jade.
Wow. Jade really is an assassin. Let’s see if all that anime will pay off.
I stopped near the woman and smiled.
Damn. She can’t see my mouth under the mask.
She looked up at me.
“Excuse me. Will you need any help with your groceries today?”
She raised her eyebrows. “You work here?”
“No. I own a company.” I cringed and cleared my throat. “I meant. I’m a successful businessperson.”
Okay. You need to exercise your charm more. You’re out of practice.
I added, “I just happened to see you standing here. And I thought to myself, ‘She’s too beautiful to be shopping for herself. If she were with me, I would have my maid do it for her.’”