Shaking my head, I said, “It’s okay, Deacon.”
“No, it’s not. I took the cowardly way out when I stopped coming around instead of addressing things with you. Sunny called me a dick tonight, and she’s right.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “What?”
He shrugged. “I was trying to teach her to say Deacon. It came out ‘Deek’. Sounded like ‘Dick’.” He sighed. “Anyway…she’s right. I have been an absolute dick, Carys, and I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Maybe a little,” I agreed. “But deep down, I understand, Deacon. I take responsibility for what happened between us that night, too. I was…horny. We’d both had a little too much to drink and got carried away. And now you don’t know how to handle the tension. Because you don’t think we can be anything more than friends. You can’t ever…go there with me. I get it.”
He looked torn. “I feel like you think I’ve shied away because I don’t want you enough to accept your situation. That’s not it. I’ve been struggling with my feelings when it comes to you for a while—long before that night. This has nothing to do with not wanting you. It has everything to do with not being good for you long term, certainly not good enough for Sunny. I haven’t held onto a normal relationship since God knows when, and I’ve hurt people I cared about in the past. I don’t want to end up hurting you or Sunny down the line—especially Sunny.”
As much as I admired his honesty, it still hurt to hear him confirm what I already knew. There was no chance for us.
“I get it.” I sighed. Who was I to convince him to trust himself? I didn’t trust anyone.
Then he continued. “I pretended to make what happened on your birthday night mostly about you, but I wanted it more than you could ever know. And I wanted more than that, too. I just wouldn’t let myself take it. I don’t want to hurt you, Carys. You’re one of the best people I know and a good friend, and I crossed the line. But it’s too late. I can’t take it back. I know I ruined our friendship in the process, regardless of what you say.”
“You’re right,” I agreed. “You did kind of ruin our friendship as we knew it. Not because I’m mad at you or respect you less, but because I can’t stop thinking about what that night felt like or how jealous I was when I saw you with Kendra. I can’t control my feelings. As much as I don’t want things to be awkward between us, they are now.”
“Yeah. Don’t I know it.” He exhaled. “I don’t want to lose you as a friend. And I don’t want to hurt you. So tell me what I should do.”
There was only one way to handle it, short of one of us moving.
“I think we have to be adults about it. We need to accept that things might be a little awkward between us and let them be awkward. It’s either that or never see each other again. I’d personally rather know that I can go to you if I need you. If that means dealing with a bit of uncomfortable sexual tension, so be it. I want to have coffee with you and be able to talk about my day. I don’t want to lose you, Deacon. So I think that means we only have one choice. And that’s to suck it up.”
He stared into my eyes for a while. “I don’t want it to be the end of us, either. I really don’t. I value your friendship so much.”
“It’s settled, then. We just deal.”
His mouth curved into a smile. “You may be younger than me, but you’re a fuck of a lot more mature, you know that?”
“Well, I guess I’ve had to grow up fast.”
“Yeah. You have.”
I stood, prompting him to do the same. “Thank you again for tonight,” I said.
“Anytime, Carys.”
I closed the door behind him and knew it would be a long time before I fell asleep.
CHAPTER 16
Carys
BLINDSIDED
Six Months Later
A lot had changed over the past several months, and it was more than the weather transforming from frigid to hot in the city.
It was now July, and I had a fifteen-month-old who was attempting to walk, albeit unsuccessfully thus far. The months were flying by. It seemed like yesterday that she’d turned one. When Sunny had marked that milestone in April, I’d had a small party for her at the apartment with a few friends from our Mommy and Me class. Simone had been there, too, and, of course, Deacon. Charles, on the other hand, hadn’t been invited. He continued to call occasionally, and had apologized multiple times for coming by without permission earlier this year, but I still hadn’t warmed to the idea of having him around Sunny. However, I suspected one day I would.