It had been two days since Carys’s birthday “surprise,” and I decided to take Adrian up on his offer to meet for lunch just to get out of the damn apartment.
I looked down at the menu in front of me and brushed off his concern. “It’s nothing.”
“If you say so. But if you wanna talk about it, I’m here.”
I let out a long breath. If I couldn’t talk about it with Adrian, who could I open up to?
“I fucked up,” I finally said, closing the menu and sliding it away.
“Okay. Be more specific.”
“I crossed the line with someone I shouldn’t have.”
“Someone meaning a woman, I take it.”
“Yeah, one who’s supposed to be a good friend. That’s the fucked-up part.”
“So you crossed the line with a friend? That’s a tale as old as time, man. Nothing wrong with going out of the friend zone if it feels right. You’re an adult.”
“There’s more to it than that. This girl…she’s different. She’s been through a lot. And she deserves someone who has his shit together, someone who’ll be there for her and Sunny long term. I’m not that person.”
“Wait…” He narrowed his eyes. “Sunny? Who’s Sunny?”
“Her daughter.”
“Ah. She’s got a kid.” He now seemed to understand why this was complicated. “How old?”
“Nine months.”
His eyes went wide. “A baby?”
I chuckled at his reaction. “Yeah.”
“Where’s the father?”
“He’s not in the picture. He left when he found out she was pregnant. Sounds like a real gem. Went back to his ex-wife.”
“What’s this chick’s name?”
“Carys—with a C.” I smiled. “Carys like Paris.”
“That’s different.”
“Yeah, so is she—in a good way.”
He squinted. “You really like her. I can tell. I haven’t heard you talk about a woman like this since I met you.”
I pondered his words. “She and I have a strong connection. We also have a lot in common. She was a ballet dancer before an injury took her out.”
“Oh, shit, like you.” He laughed. “Well, not the ballet part. But same idea.”
“Yeah, so we can relate to each other. But also, we just jibe, you know? Our conversations are comfortable and easy. She’s beautiful on the inside and out. And the way she handles everything life’s thrown at her? It’s like the personification of grace under fire.”
A look of amusement crossed his face. “Yeah, you don’t like this chick at all.”
Though my feelings were apparently transparent, I shook my head and laughed in an attempt to brush off his statement. “And her daughter is a sweet little thing. Even in the short time I’ve known them, Sunny’s gotten used to me. She knows me. That’s dangerous. I don’t want her to wonder where I am when I inevitably stop coming around.” I sighed. “It’s just hard because they’re right next door.”
“Shit, okay. This is your neighbor. The one you mentioned having coffee with.”
“Yup.”
“I hadn’t put two and two together.” Adrian looked perplexed. “So, we never really talked about this, but why is the kid thing a problem? You don’t want to be a dad someday? Or is it just that you don’t want to be a dad to someone else’s kid?”
The thought of rejecting Sunny because she wasn’t my blood hurt my heart a little. It wasn’t about that. This was about me, not her. She deserved better.
“I made a decision a long time ago not to have kids.” I had my reasons; I just preferred not getting into them right now—maybe ever.
“Why?”
“Just a personal decision. If I know I don’t want kids, it’s not fair to get involved with a woman whose entire life is her daughter.”
“So if you feel that way, what happened? You just slipped?” He leaned in and whispered, “You fucked her?”
“Actually, no. Things didn’t go that far. But they shouldn’t have gone as far as they did.”
“What kind of stuff did you do?”
For some reason, I didn’t feel comfortable telling him. It felt like I was exploiting what had happened somehow, which was weird because I never hesitated to talk about sex. But I felt protective of Carys. I wasn’t going to kiss and tell.
I held my palm up. “It doesn’t matter what we did. I just don’t think I can look at her the same way now. That really sucks, because I don’t want to lose her friendship.”
He scratched his chin. “If you didn’t live right next door, it would be easier to avoid her.”
“That’s the problem. I don’t want to fucking avoid her. I just don’t want to mess things up any more than I already have.”
“You think she has feelings for you?”
Deep down, I believed she did. “Possibly.”
For a long time, I hadn’t been sure. But lately, even before her birthday night, there was something about the way she looked at me—probably the same way I looked at her. And what happened between us had confirmed that she was attracted to me, at the very least. For as long as I lived, I would never forget her begging me to fuck her. Pretending not to have heard that in the moment was nearly impossible, and I’d thought about little else since. My mind kept wandering back to her words, to the need in her voice. I’d spent that entire night hard, even after I jacked off. I’d stayed up until morning, unable to forget how she tasted, still savoring her on my tongue and smelling her on my body. And right now, I was nearly hard again just thinking about it.