I pull on my yoga pants and put on a sweater. Sliding open my door, I slowly wait for the creak that used to come when it opened halfway. This time, it doesn’t make any noise as I slip out of my room and go down the stairs. The light in the kitchen is on like always, and a plate of muffins sits on the island right next to the vase of flowers. I walk over to the door and grab my running shoes. After I put them on, I slip out of the door and walk to the barn. I stop and listen for it, waiting to hear a car horn honk or backfire or a siren blaring somewhere, but instead, it’s nothing but crickets. The light from the stars leads me to the barn, and I slide the big metal door open, just like I used to do all those years ago when I couldn’t sleep.
The lights are on dim in each of the stalls as I walk down the concrete path in the middle of the barn. I hear the horses in their stalls as I make my way over to the one I know is mine. Lady Princess is written on the outside of the stall. She comes over to the opening, her brown coat still as bright as when I got her ten years ago. My sweet sixteen present from my father.
“Hey, girl,” I say, holding my hand out to her so she can smell me. She knocks my hand with her nose. “Sorry I left you,” I say, rubbing down her muzzle. “I heard you were pissed.”
“She was.” When I hear that from behind me, I yelp, scaring her and a couple of the other horses.
“Jesus H,” I say. Looking behind me, I find Casey standing there in just jeans with a rifle in his hand. “Casey, what in the fuck?” I shriek.
“You almost got yourself shot,” he says. “What in the fuck are you doing out here at one in the morning?”
“How in the hell did you know I was here?” I ask, still trying to get my heart to calm down.
“You triggered the alarm,” he says, pointing at the door. “I have it set up in my house. It tells me everything.”
“Well, would you look at that.” I smile at him. “Can you help me saddle her?” I ask. “And can you please put that gun away?”
He puts the gun down and walks over to the far end of the barn, returning with my saddle. “When I found out you were coming home, I had her cleaned up and shined,” he says. Opening the stall door, he holds up his hand, calling Lady. She slowly comes out and waits for him to put the saddle on her. He ties it tight around her belly and then steps back. “You need help mounting her?” His voice comes out smooth, and I cringe.
“One, I can’t even with that sentence,” I say, pushing him aside, “and two, I don’t need you to help me do anything but open the garage door.”
“Want company?” he asks me when I walk over to Lady and pet the side of her neck. I shake my head. “Okay. Well, leave the saddle on her, and I’ll take care of it when I come in,” he says, grabbing the shotgun and then walking out.
“You could put on boots and get a gun, but you couldn’t put on a shirt?” I ask, and he shrugs.
“I was hoping it was Olivia,” he says, and I groan. “Be safe.” He opens the barn door, and I put one foot in the stirrup and swing my leg over to sit on her. She backs up a couple of steps and then slowly she walks forward. “Be careful. She gets pissy when you try to guide her too much, and last time, she tried to buck Mom off.”
“She’s good,” I say, holding the reins in both of my hands. “It’s like riding a bike.” Using my foot, I make her start to trot. “That’s a good girl.”
She takes me down the path we always used to go, down the path where I spent more and more time with her as I got older, knowing I was going to leave her eventually. What I wasn’t intending was to go away for so long. My head is not even paying attention to where she is going until I hear the creek. She walks alongside the creek where I used to meet Jacob. I make Lady stop at the tree and get off, then lead her over to the creek so she can drink for a bit. I walk to the tree where he carved our names into the trunk. I expect to see our names still there except they’re not there. There is nothing. It’s like someone cut it out of the tree. My hand comes up and traces the smooth wood. I look at the tree next to it, thinking I might have gotten the wrong tree, but it’s not there either. I look around in the darkness, thinking I came to the wrong spot, but then I spot the rock he made Beau carry up here. The big boulder where we would sit while we spoke about the future. I walk over to it, and the memory of us sitting on that rock comes rushing forward. He’d sit behind me, and I’d press my head back on his shoulder, looking up at him. My hand on his cheek, my heart so full.